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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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Name: Shelby Jordan
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Unhappy I hate myself... - April 6th 2013, 03:36 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of eating disorders, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

For the last six months, I've been fighting the development of a serious eating disorder. A week ago, I lost the fight. I weigh [EDITED] pounds, which is the lowest I've been in over a year and I'm still overweight. I look in the mirror and I don't even recognize myself. I hate the way I look, and I hate the way I'm dealing with it. Just a few nights ago I tried to purge. I thought that thinking about puking to make myself puke was better than sticking my finger down my throat. The only thing that stopped me from sticking my finger down my throat, after just thinking about it failed, was the sound of my parents and sister coming home.
I would ask for help from my family, but it's hard. Six months ago when I told my mom I'd almost purged, she just told me that I hadn't and that was what I needed to focus on. She promised that she would help me lose weight because I know that's what my main problem is. She hasn't been around much in the last six months, though. She hasn't been around to help, and I know she's just going to say the same thing when if I try to tell her now. Or she'll say something along the lines of, "I told you not to starve yourself." <- she's made comments about me starving myself a lot in the past few weeks. It upsets me because she realize that the joke she thinks she's making is actually the truth. I've had nights all week where I just won't eat, or where I eat a lot because I haven't eaten much all day then I feel sick.
I'm lost. I can't stand what I see in the mirror. I can't ask for help because I'll just get shot down or told I'm overreacting. I can hardly stand the thought or sight of food anymore. When I eat I feel sick. I don't know what to do anymore. And I know this is technically another for another forum, but I've been self-harming, too. I've never gotten this depressed before and it scares me. I don't know where to turn...

Last edited by Coffee.; April 6th 2013 at 05:58 AM. Reason: Please do not post weight numbers, they are against Code of Conduct. Thanks! :)
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Re: I hate myself... - April 6th 2013, 10:18 AM

Hey Shelby

Oh sweetheart, no, you haven't lost the fight. You've slipped a little, but nothing beyond what can't be fixed, and everything is going to be okay, I promise.

Okay, first of all I'm proud you told your mom. That couldn't have been an easy thing to do, but it does make telling her now a little easier, right? However, it doesn't sound like she understands how much you're struggling, so this needs to be something you focus on. The fact you still want help, and still want to beat this means that you will- with the right help.

You could write a letter to your mom explaining what you've just told us, or you could just try sitting down and blurting all this out to her. The important thing is that you stress how you need her help. I disagree- I don't think your main problem is losing weight. I think this could be caused by an eating disorder. Lots of people are desperate to lose weight but they don't all starve themselves or even think about throwing up, nor are they depressed. I think the first thing you need to do is work on your mental state and the way you think about yourself, and counselling can help that. Instead of spending time researching losing weight, have a look at body confidence and positive messages. Avoid looking at magazines with ridiculously skinny girls, they're not realistic and not helpful at all.

If you can't stress to your mother how serious this is, you could always reach out to someone else and have them talk to your mother on your behalf, for example a doctor, or school nurse. They would be able to tell your mom how she can best help you.

You can beat this. Don't doubt it for a second.

Laura (:

Take as long as you need.
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binging or purging, eating disorder, hate, hate life want change, lost, overweight help

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