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Fenzy Offline
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Name: Cassie
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I just want to be thin. - May 27th 2013, 11:40 PM

I know I just posted in this forum not that long ago and I apologize for another post so soon but I just need to vent. I'm not saying what I say is true, but this is just how I feel.

Life is so unfair. I know right? A typical saying to come from a teenage girl. But I just need to say it. I want to be thin. I want to be thin and boney and small and cute and I CAN'T. I CAN'T lose weight or else bad things will happen. I could lose my job. I could get sent to inpatient. I totally IGNORE that I even have an eating disorder because it's embarassing to me and awkward as hell when my parents talk to me about it. It's SHAMEFUL. I HATE that I do this to myself. I HATE that I feel this way. I can't go on the rest of my life feeling the way that I do. I'm gonna end up either alone or dead. My doctor says that I am "ill". Well what the fuck? How is this ill? I chose to do this to myself. I choose to not eat. But what makes me choose to not eat? Wanting to be thin. Why do I want to be skeletal? I'm already underweight. I don't even know why I want to be skeleton thin but I do. And I'm not allowed. I am not allowed to lose weight and that pisses me right off. It's my life and I want to do what I want to do. But I just wish. And I wish and I wish and I wish that this would all just GO AWAY. I want to love myself. I want to feel comfortable with myself but I can't. I always feel so damn uneasy, anxious and uncomfortable and I don't know why. I'm losing my mind lately. I can't remember a damn thing. Im not even restricting. I can't remember ANYTHING. I say dumb things that don't make sense and then wonder why I just said that. I'm so fricken frustrated. I just want to be thin. They don't let me be thin. I wish I could look in the mirror and see what everyone else sees when they tell me "Holy, you're so skinny". I don't want to let go of my eating disorder. I'm so afraid to let go. I don't want to gain weight. I just can't. I can't do it. I can't be fat. It should not be like Christmas Morning when I wake up and can't wait to weigh myself to see if I lost any. I get butterflies and go to sleep the night before. Who wants to live like that? God damnit.. not me. I feel like an idiot giving other people advice that I can't even take myself. Some days I just feel so good and I want to make others feel good. Then the next day, I feel so dumb because I can't even take my own advice. "Chin up, charge the mountain". Well I can't.. I just want to see what they see. I just want to be small. I just want to feel comfortable. I just want to be happy.

I just want to be fucking thin..


Only you have the power to say,
"This is not how my story will end"




Last edited by Fenzy; May 28th 2013 at 01:35 AM.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Digit. Offline
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Re: I just want to be thin. - May 27th 2013, 11:53 PM

Don't worry we're here for you to talk to whenever you need
Aww cassie
i'm sorry you don't see how beautiful you are
everyone deserves to feel good about themselves
The only reason why everyone(including me) is so worried about you is because they care about you and want to make sure your safe
It's okay you don't have to love yourself as long as you know we do

good luck
stay strong

PM/VM me if you want to


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Need to talk, PM me.

To people(like me) who think asking for help annoys people I say:
It would bother me if you DIDN'T ask for help.
   
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