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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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Don't know what to do anymore - June 26th 2013, 10:12 PM

Im in a bit of a sticky situation. But I know that most of it, nearly all of it is in my head. Ive had an eating disorder for three years now. I spent some time in an inpatient unit in 2011 and put on the weight, but I never really dealt with the negative voices, the images in my head, the bad habits etc even though I know its all bad and I shouldn't be doing it I can't stop. I get better for a few weeks, then it's like I go straight back down hill again, like there's a magnet pulling me back to the weight loss side. My whole personality changes I don't even remember half the things that I do. Even my writing. Like this post im writing it as my self, but when im in the 'weight-loss mode' it's like there's someone else there, someone else talking for me, someone else listening with my ears, someone else looking from my eyes, and someone else writing. afterwards when I read back on what ive written I shock myself, because I don't even remember doing it, and its not even me. its like another person writing to me. the voice in my head writing to me and telling me what to do. don't know if that makes sense, I wouldn't be surprised if it doesn.t doesn't make no sense in my head either.
anyway at the moment its like, I don't want to eat. I hate being at home. and I hate my family set-up. everyone's out for themselves. and I dunno I cant even see anything anymore besides how horrible I look, and ugly and fat. the image I give off is fat and disgusting. I hate it. im despicable, and its come to the point where I really don't know what to do. Im eating very little, but because this relapse only started a short while ago, my weight isn't gonna be of a 'worry' to my GP because I wont be 'underweight'. I hate how all these numbers and their categories make you feel even worse. make you feel like shit. because im tall and have big bones I look thin, but my weight number makes me look fat. but in my eyes I don't look thin. Im huge.
I don't even know what im writing anymore. I feel such a mess. I want to get out of this self-inflicted misery, this shit triggered by others but caused by me. don't know what to do anymore. such a mess


''No pressure, no diamonds''

There may not always be a direct answer to a problem, but there is always a way to get through it.
Strength is the best quality of the human mind and body, and I believe everyone has it; whether they believe it or not. Look for that tiny glimmer of hope deep inside yourself and once you've found it let it blossom, glow and illuminate your life.

I'm always here if anyone wants to talk.


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Re: Don't know what to do anymore - June 27th 2013, 05:24 PM

Hey, Sabah, long time no talk sweetie <3

Without being overly cliche, I wanna start with a quote. One, because it's relevent and two because I'm literally the most unorganised person ever so I never do things in order or anything. :D

"“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?”

No idea if you'll ever have heard of that before, but I think it's true. Eating disorders, like depression, are mental illnesses. They need treatment. It's like breaking a bone and expecting it to heal itself if you just leave it, no. It won't happen sweetheart, you need to stand up and fight and get back to your life. You can't let this thing clawing at you take away your sparkle, and again I know that's really cliche, but you have to trust me on this, yeah?

I think you pinpointed it quite well, the magnet. I'm not going to say I know how you feel, but I am going to say that I do understand. I know, I know, and it's so hard. But you're stronger than that magnet Sabah. You're so much stronger than it. And it wants to pull you to scary, dark places and you know it won't end well. It'll swallow up the Sabah I know and leave nothing but a hollow empty shell of a person with no personality or life essence. No sparkle. You can't let that happen, you just can't. You need to choose life, you need to ignore the voices in your head that want to kill you and fight back like the strong girl I know you are.

When you are not eating enough, regardless of your weight, your height, your hair colour, your great aunt's dog's name, your body will suffer the effects. It will. It really is nothing about weight and I know what you mean about professionals not taking you seriously. That's their fault, not yours. You don't need to make yourself fit their perception of someone with an eating disorder. What you must do is educate them, tell them what's wrong and what they can do to help. If you think therapy would help, tell them (if you never really dealt with the thoughts, think about therapy. Not counseling, therapy- the stuff that'll actually change your thought processes and stuff, like CBT). If you think someone else taking control of the eating situation for a while (think: inpatient, day treatment) will help, tell them. Unfortunately not a lot of people are very well educated when it comes to ED treatment, including the doctors- but that's a very stereotypical opinion, coming from someone with bad experiences so feel free to discard it ;)

You're not horrible, you're not ugly and you're not fat. You're caring, a good person. You're beautiful and gorgeous and I know how strong you are. So kick this disorder in the bollocks and stand up, my lovely.

You know where I am <3

Laura x



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Re: Don't know what to do anymore - June 29th 2013, 11:37 PM

Thank you for your lovely reply Laura. And Harry Potter if I remember correctly?

I know what you're saying is right, I mean ive been through it all, ive done it before, and I could easily give guidance to someone else in this situation, but I cant do it myself. Theres a big hold back, and I cant let go. I don't know what to do anymore. Im scared. and angry hurt rejected alone
I don't know what to do


''No pressure, no diamonds''

There may not always be a direct answer to a problem, but there is always a way to get through it.
Strength is the best quality of the human mind and body, and I believe everyone has it; whether they believe it or not. Look for that tiny glimmer of hope deep inside yourself and once you've found it let it blossom, glow and illuminate your life.

I'm always here if anyone wants to talk.


x x x
   
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