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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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SouthernBelle. Offline
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Body image sucks. - June 29th 2013, 03:48 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of eating disorders, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I'm a perfectionist. That's what I do. In academics, I strive for perfection; same goes for normal, every day thinking. In my talents, I strive for perfection.

My body won't give me perfection.

I've tried so many ways of fixing it. I've tried running, I've tried yoga, I've tried dieting, I've tried dropping sugar altogether, and I at one point I even convinced myself to stop eating for as long as I could throughout the day, every day, to try to be perfect.

I'm so broken down. I'm obsessed with being my idea of beautiful, which I am not. I look into the mirror and nearly have a mental breakdown every time. I think I'm ugly, and I think I'm doomed to gain my mother's habits over the years. My grandma jokingly said I look like a school marm today (an old-fashioned schoolteacher), and I started obsessing over solutions to my ugliness again. I tried to think of what could have possibly caused it. Was it my fashion sense? Was it my hair? Was it that I'm overweight?

And that last one killed me. I've been gaining weight again, and I can't stop it. I've tried and tried and tried, but I can't get myself to eat as little as I did before, and I'm so exhausted because I'm running on four or five hours of sleep at night, because I won't let myself sleep because I feel lazy if I rest. I can feel the fat around my waist, and it tears me up inside. I go crazy. I pace, I obsessively research new avenues to weight loss, I try to run... I don't like running anymore because I feel so fat that I think people will be staring at me, and not even running seemed to work to counteract it, so I quit. I used to want to run a marathon, and now I know I'm not going to be the prettiest one there, and I cry and research ways to lose weight...

My little brother called my arms flabby the other day. Generally I love to dance, but now I won't move my arms in certain positions, because I feel it jiggling and I hurt so bad inside, like I'm going to cry... My little brother's an insensitive jerkface sometimes. Yeah, your big sister has feelings, even if she doesn't seem like that. Try remembering that. Try remembering that every fucking time you tell me my arms are flabby, that I have "a little bit of soft fat" around my waist, I break inside and I just want to scream and run and exercise and avoid food like a disease, but I just don't have the energy to because I won't let myself rest because I'm so ugly... I can feel it. It's like a freaking nightmare every time I move. What if my sister becomes more beautiful than I am? What if I get old before I see how perfect I can be?

I hate my body so much.


Anna's Personal Keys to Happiness
1. Do what you want within the bounds of reason, whenever you want to, and regret nothing. 2. If you have an opinion, don't beat around the bush, or there isn't a point in saying it. 3. Don't keep the company of anyone who won't like you and will try to change you.



   
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Re: Body image sucks. - June 29th 2013, 05:13 AM

Hey Anna,

This is going to be a long and fun message because I relate a lot to your message.

First, I have a secret for you. The way to solve your body issues is not to lose weight or "stop being ugly." Cutting out sugar will not help you feel better. Running every day will not help you feel better. The way to solve your body issues is to accept your body the way it is. You need to stop thinking that body images from magazines or celebrities are "perfect." These bodies are not realistic; less than 1% of the world population has a body like this. If you think that your body-type is unhealthily large, ask your doctor, dietician, or nutritionist. They can properly judge and give you a meal-plan. But I don't think this is an issue about your weight. If the doctor were to say that your body is fine, then I'd recommend getting a referral to a counselor or therapist. It seems unnecessary, but trust me, if I were to have a therapist at the time my body-image problems started, I may not be unhealthy as I am now.

I'd also recommend that you talk to the people in your life. People shouldn't insult other people's bodies, period. This does not help. Everybody is beautiful, regardless of your weight. Your weight is not a predictor of your beauty, or even your health, so stop associating it to both of these things. Next, get a full size mirror out of your room for a while. You need to stop focusing on the little things "wrong" with your body, and instead, just take some time away from obsessing over your body and learn to fit into it. Do those things that you love, dancing, running, for the reason of your happiness and NOT weight loss. Overall, learn to be you without obsessing over your body and letting others' comments affect you. This is much easier said than done, but it can be done, trust me.

Stay strong, feel free to ask for clarifications.


I said to the sun, "Tell me about the big bang"
& the sun said “it hurts to become."
Andrea Gibson, "I Sing The Body Electric; Especially When My Power Is Out"
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Re: Body image sucks. - June 29th 2013, 05:45 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Coexist. View Post
Running every day will not help you feel better.
Actually, running was kind of a hobby of mine. I loved it because it got rid of the stress in my life and gave me a repetitive motion to drive me out of my head a little bit. It was kinda therapeutic. I just don't have the confidence for it anymore, because runners are always portrayed as really slender, and I'm not. I've got love handles and a figure.

My doctor actually praised me last time I visited her for maintaining my weight where it was, and having dropped the extra pounds that were actually putting me in the overweight BMI range. At first I struggled with what I'd describe as borderline anorexia with periods of binging, but then I achieved a good balance: Running every day for about thirty/forty minutes (really not much at all for me) and eating healthily (fruits, veggies, whole grains, lean protein: the whole nine yards). I was my healthiest. Then the winter came, and the snow kept me from going outside to run, and it all fell back to Stage 1 (fear of eating, lack of confidence, etc.).

I tried speaking to my mother once, but she told me she was too stressed out to deal with it, and that I looked "fine". When I pressed the matter, she took months to schedule an appointment (I first addressed this issue a few months ago), then coerced me to cancel my appointment at the last moment. At which point I proceeded to go into my room and bawl my eyes out. Thankfully, the aforementioned grandma was around, and I talked to her, and I felt tons better. Usually all signs of my disorderly eating habits - avoiding food then binging, low self-confidence, feeling frustrated with myself - completely disappear after I'm away from my mother for a few good days. I have an irrational fear of turning into her, which ties in strongly with my weight issues and my fear of being too physically inactive (which leads to my not wanting to sleep). It's a big, long tale which I'm sure would bore you to death.


Anna's Personal Keys to Happiness
1. Do what you want within the bounds of reason, whenever you want to, and regret nothing. 2. If you have an opinion, don't beat around the bush, or there isn't a point in saying it. 3. Don't keep the company of anyone who won't like you and will try to change you.



   
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