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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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Catharsis. Offline
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I don't like where I'm headed with this. - September 26th 2013, 08:56 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of eating disorders, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

< !---- Strong language at times ----- >

Okay, background: I have had long-lasting body image issues, which never developed into anything too serious. These have been present since I was around eleven or twelve, and never really went away as such. Like, I've always felt like shite about the way I look and desperately wanted to change.

Now, it seems to be getting a lot more serious than it was. This last week I've been eating far less than usual. I've been counting the calories I take in, and I'm not impressed, at all. I've skipped lunch at school. I've been pretty much preoccupied with purging after breakfast and dinner (I've no choice but to eat both of those, my parents are present). And I'm pretty confused, honestly. I'm sick of the lies, everyone saying I'm skinny. I'm not, for fuck's sake. They're just saying it to be nice, I'm fat and disgusting. I'm not daft. BMI's don't fool me either. I'm not at an "average" weight. That's bullshit.

*sigh* What's wrong with me at all? I hate this. It's just hopeless...and I'm sure this came across as an equally hopeless, unintelligible rant, so apologies.
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Re: I don't like where I'm headed with this. - September 26th 2013, 09:35 PM

Gareth, trust me, it did not come across as a hopeless intelligible rant

Okay so I apologise if I'm no help, I'm out of the practice of talking about ED stuff to be honest, but I hope I can still help. Take what's helpful, leave what's not...but please, just hear me out okay?

What do people gain from lying to you? Really? To be point blank honest with you, other people's eyes are probably more reliable than yours at the minute. I know, I've been there and hindsight is the beautiful tool I'm now equipped with that I want to use to help you. Your brain can trick you, and your reflection can change. Perception is everything and perception can very easily be influenced by a lot of things, one of them being how you feel about yourself. It's all so hard to explain...but really. Yeah. When you're feeling bad about yourself don't trust your own head. Tl;DR I guess.

But feeling bad about yourself. It's one of the worst feelings in the world, but being thinner? It ain't gonna fix it, Gareth :/ I wish there was some quick fix to years of negative thinking, but this is one we have to sloth out with months of corny quotations, days of looking at yourself in the mirror and forcing yourself to just accept that this is the body you own and no matter what you do to it you're gonna be stuck with it so you might as well get used to it, years of telling yourself to ignore that voice in your head saying you aren't good enough and while you're at it, telling everyone else you don't care what they think either. Being thinner will not help. So many of us have been down that path, and the ones who've come back have all said the same. It does not make things better. It makes them worse, because not eating and purging impairs your brain and therefore you lack the ability to challenge those thoughts at all. You lack the ability to focus on more than one thing at once, and most of the time that one thing is how much you hate yourself. You've probably already experienced this. I get it if I so much as not eat when I'm hungry- for whatever reason.

The road you're starting to go down is one layered in black ice and when you try to turn back, you're probably gonna find it's a harder climb back up than you anticipated. It only took one week of things been truly bad food wise for me to slide down, and years to climb back up. It's just not worth it...all the things I have now, all the happiness I feel...I wouldn't have it if I hadn't climbed back up, but maybe I would still have them if I hadn't slipped in the first place, and maybe I could have had them earlier. I know I'm just rambling and I'm so, so sorry if this has come across as harsh or horrible...but you need to get out of this. I can't stand back and watch another person tumble into this hell. Please. Stop yourself, fight the urges, you can do this. Treat yourself like you would a small child, treat yourself like a friend, scream and cry and dance (irish dance? ) but eat. As for purging, make yourself go to the toilet straight before food and keep yourself around people afterwards so you don't have an excuse to disappear to the bathroom. Rant on a blog, write about how horrible you feel and how you hate everyone and yourself and the world and food. Be unhappy about eating but do it anyway.

I feel like this has turned into a blog entry. Sorry Try and find something useful amongst the ramble.

Laura x

Take as long as you need.
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Re: I don't like where I'm headed with this. - September 26th 2013, 09:49 PM

Hi, Laura! Thanks for the response, which was far from rambly. I appreciate the help and motivation. To be honest, I think acceptance is going to have to be a part of it, because I know the road I'm staring down now is unhealthy and it's pretty hard to return once you go down, etc. But thanks for setting me down the right track, because I didn't know where to start.
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