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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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thelittlearrow Offline
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Name: Nicole Elise
Age: 23
Gender: Female

Posts: 2
Join Date: December 28th 2013

Stuck between wanting to fail and wanting to fight - December 28th 2013, 01:09 AM

Hi, my name is Nicole. I don't want to recover. I only have EDNOS, it's not even that bad. I'm not emaciated or obese, I look average to everyone else. But I feel fat. I know I'm fat. I want to scratch all the fat off of my body. I don't want to eat. I want to fade away. But at the same time, I want to build muscle and get fit. I just can't decide what I want more. I just feel bad for saying I have an eating disorder. I feel like I'm not bad enough to, even though I'm diagnosed and I'm in therapy for it. I'm supposed to go to a clinic starting in January. I'm scared and I don't know if I want to recover.
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Chin up, buttercup.
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Re: Stuck between wanting to fail and wanting to fight - December 28th 2013, 04:22 AM

Hey there Nicole,

I like your name, it's actually my middle name! and welcome to TH, by the way!

I used to struggle with an eating disorder, so in a way I know how you feel. I didn't think I wanted to recover, but going to therapy was the best descision I ever made.

Believe me, once you start working out, eating a bit better, etc., you'll want to continue and you eventually become your ideal weight and size. I'd encourage you to try the clinic with a positive attitude and see how things go from there.

Hope I helped you!
Good luck and keep us posted! <3

I love you to the moon and back.

Darling you are the only exception. ~Paramore ♡
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Coffee. Offline
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Re: Stuck between wanting to fail and wanting to fight - January 5th 2014, 09:25 AM

Hey Nicole,

Congrats on seeking treatment. It's completely normal that, at this point, you're not interested in becoming healthy or have a split interest. Your disorder is comfortable, your habits make you feel safe, and it's easier to stay sick than it is to be well. However, you need to recover for your health and your future. You don't want to be doing this for the rest of your life. Recovery gets rid of that feeling of inadequacy without making you starve for it; you gain the ability to love yourself. Stay strong and keep pushing.

I said to the sun, "Tell me about the big bang"
& the sun said “it hurts to become."
Andrea Gibson, "I Sing The Body Electric; Especially When My Power Is Out"
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depression, eating disorder, fail, fight, recovery, stuck, wanting

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