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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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frison1313 Offline
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Angry Shared & Stuck - February 18th 2014, 07:20 PM

I'll try to be brief,
I was bullied last year and i started sh and b/p.
Now i changed school and everything's alright i don't almost don't sh anymore but i keep b/p.
At the beginning i started it to lose weight, i will barely eat and over exercise and then if i ate too much i'd just throw up or i'd plan binges and purge. I was obsessed, i'd weight myself every morning and the numbers will create my mood(you know what i mean if you've been there).
Now, i feel good in my body (even if i'd like to lose weight but it's not an obsession as last year), i eat healthy food and exercise it helped me to shape my body. But sometimes i binge because of my emotions and i purge. and everytime my emotions are taking over me, i have an urge to binge, and it feels like i need to do it, even if i'm tired cause i know it'll help me even though i feel like shit after.
I see a shrink and she knows about it but she told me as the sh that it wasnt that serious so we can work on it without telling my parents. The thing is i don't want to stop right now, but i'm scared of the consequences too! the fact she doesn't tell my parents make me feel that i can continue cause it's not that serious cause i want to go bad. I wanna be healthy and i wanna keep doing it.
before the b/p i know i'm going to feel like shit but i can't resist it's my thing, it makes me feel i can control it!
So yes, i'm just stuck between wanting to be healthy and wanting to go down that road deeper..
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stelles Offline
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Re: Shared & Stuck - February 18th 2014, 09:23 PM

sorry you're in a rough spot right now. It's good that you aren't as obsessed with weight loss as you were before, but clearly it's still a problem. Apparently not enough of a problem for your parents to know, though. And if you want to keep your counselor from telling your parents, you should definitely not let it get worse.

The fact that she doesn't think it's too serious doesn't mean it's OK. And if it gets worse, I'm sure she'll have to tell your parents. But if you're not ready to stop, no one can make you. Talk to your counselor about your conflicted emotions on stopping. She might be able to provide some healthier ways of dealing with emotions.

And as for the control thing, think of it like this... it probably takes a whole lot more control not to binge and purge than it does to do it.

Sorry if that was totally unhelpful...

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frison1313 Offline
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Re: Shared & Stuck - February 25th 2014, 10:07 AM

Thank you for the answer ! I know, i'm so weak for not quitting ! i love bulimia and i hate it at the same time. i love food but why can't i just eat normally ? everything's so confused in my head.
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Re: Shared & Stuck - February 25th 2014, 07:47 PM

First of all, I'd like to say that I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It's great that you're reaching out, and also that what you're dealing with is less severe than it was before (though this certainly doesn't mean that it isn't a problem).

You definitely aren't "weak" for not quitting! I know how difficult it can be to quit an addiction like this (it is a kind of addiction), and you definitely aren't weak for not quite being able to stop. If anything, you're very strong for wanting to stop, seeking help, and talking about it.

Definitely talk to your counselor about your conflicted feelings. She can help you sort through much of your confusion on the topic.

Personally, I know how much of a controlled feeling can come from things like this. Like the user above said, if you're looking for control, think about how much more control you'd have by controlling your disorder (all the while remembering that you definitely aren't a failure if you relapse). Also, think about all the negative consequences that you've faced because of this. It can control your mood, how you relate to other people, and your life. You can become totally focused on your disorder, and that isn't what anybody wants. While quitting can be hard, it's also worth all the rewards and effort. You don't want to go deeper into your disorder - there will only be more lasting, negative health problems. You'll most likely only become more depressed, and feel like you're losing even more control, but this time to the thing that you thought would give you the control that you crave.

To help quit your binging and purging, maybe it would help you to figure out where you're lacking control in the first place. You might be feeling the need to control your eating habits because you're lacking control in another area of your life. If you can figure out what area that is and work towards fixing the problem, you might feel less of a need to binge and purge. Also, to help you when you feel like binging and purging right away, have a look at TH's alternatives thread. Personally, writing, talking to a trusted family member, or screaming into/punching a pillow really help me for any kind of urge.

Feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk more! I really hope you can get this under control. You're a beautiful person with strengths and value, and you deserve more than what you're giving yourself.

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bulima, bulimic, bulimicandcutter, shared, stuck

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