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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Name: Karri
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I just need to type this all out, I think - April 7th 2014, 03:39 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of eating disorders, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Before I start, I'm going to try to make this as vague as humanly possible while still getting across what I need to. Definitely not trying to trigger anyone, I just can't think of anywhere else where I can say stuff like this and truly have other people understand.

So, growing up I was incredibly big. Like, not even one of those things where I'm exaggerating. I mean full on, binge eating (but not even knowing what that was), clinically obese kind of big. The kind of big where every doctor's appointment is a really stressful thing because the doctors didn't seem to understand that I wasn't intentionally doing this to myself and that it wasn't something I even knew how to begin to deal with. They thought I was lazy. They thought I was greedy. They thought that I just completely lacked self control. And they were probably right, but they never went beyond pointing out those things, so it never got better because I never knew where to go beyond hating myself and knowing that I wasn't like everybody else, that I lacked the control other people had, that I took up too much space in the world. That I wasn't worthy. Of what? Idk. Whatever everyone else, all the normal sized people had. I wasn't worthy of any of it (and I'm still not tbh).

It stayed like that from my very young childhood until I reached my freshman year of college.

Freshman year started out normal, but something happened that ended up being really traumatic for me, and when I took these concerns to the administrative part of my uni that was supposed to deal with them, they brushed it off. I was completely hopeless. I was in a situation I couldn't get out of. A lot of stuff happened during that time, but I'll save that.

I don't even remember when it started happening, but I was eating less. I was walking more, miles and miles a day around my uni's campus just to get away from places that I didn't feel safe in. And I was dropping weight, slowly but surely.

Summer was uneventful until my aunt died of cancer. That started the same sort of thing up again. Still wasn't really noticeable that I wasn't eating enough (at least to me), but I dropped a little more weight.

Then winter quarter of this year, January, I decided to start counting calories. So I did, for three months and dropped a large chunk of weight. Went home for spring break about two weeks ago, and every single person I knew noticed that I was half the person I used to be (literally). My mom, my shooting coach from high school, my friends, my coworkers at my summer job, the lady who cut my hair like a year before. I'm not even exaggerating.

I loved it, because it validated that what I was doing was working. But I hated it because it made me aware of my body and how much space I'm taking up in a way that I wasn't totally ok with.

Now I'm back at uni. I've been restricting like crazy and it's starting to affect parts of my body that I didn't realize would be affected by this.

The reason I'm posting this is because part of me wants to talk to someone, like a therapist, and get help, or even just have an outlet because I really don't have one right now. The other part of me a) doesn't want to give this up until I reach a certain point (at this point I'm still a little big, I'm not even a normal size or a tiny size like my friends), and b) knows that I would never be taken seriously because I haven't reached a size where what I'm doing to myself would be considered a problem.

Anyway, so that's that.


would it be so hard to realign a star or two?
   
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Re: I just need to type this all out, I think - April 7th 2014, 08:46 AM

I know the road you're going down because I have been down the exact same one. You need to stop before you get in too deep. I know at first that restricting seems almost easy, and it's the best feeling in the world when people say 'wow you've lost weight!' But it wont always be that way for long. Your metabolism will slow down and then when you lose the weight you want and begin to eat more again, you will gain it back very, very easily. You should probably do something like weight watchers or see a nutritionist if you can afford it. I started off overweight, I began restricting and lost so much. However I gained it all back when I tried to eat normal again. Then I started bingeing and purging. I went on weight watchers the second time round and lost weight and I still deal with bingeing and purging today, but I see a therapist sometimes and she definitely helps. Try and eat healthy and regularly, but please don't restrict. I've regretted it so much and I don't want to see the same thing happen to you that did to me.
   
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Re: I just need to type this all out, I think - April 7th 2014, 01:54 PM

Hey Karri, I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling like this. When you are ready, please don't hesitate to talk to a therapist! It's true, you might get a therapist (doctor, psychologist etc.) who won't take you seriously, but that just means you need a new person to talk to because it is completely possible to have an eating disorder (or disordered eating behaviours) and be a normal weight or even overweight, like I have ED'd behaviours but I have never been underweight (ex. being underweight is one of the criteria's for anorexia), I've always been a normal weight, hell, I was clinically obese for years but that doesn't mean I don't have problems, know what I mean, so don't let your size affect you're seeking help if you want it... Just because you are a normal weight or are even overweight doesn't make your struggles invalid, so I just want you to know that you don't need to wait until it's out of control or until no one can deny that something is "wrong" by looking at you if you know you are struggling and you know you want to seek help, then please don't hesitate to talk to someone.

Also, you can keep losing weight by being "healthy"; I know right now it feels like drastic measures are the only thing that'll work, and that you came by this, essentially, by accident, is harder I bet right? I know it was hard for me: I'd never done anything the "healthy" way so having to make these choices were hard for me to believe but eating healthy has helped me... so talking to a nutritionist could be extremely helpful for you, they'd help you make goals about your dietary choices and exercising that will be most helpful. Why I think talking to a nutritionist is good is because for someone who deals with having an eating disorder, being overweight is often a legitimate fear of yours, even when the issues are caused by other factors (ex. traumatic event,s etc.), and a nutritionist can help you get healthier for the long term. When I wanted to get healthy, I was scared I'd gain everything back, especially if I went on a restrictive, elimination diet, and by having a nutritionist I was able to avoid those fears by knowing what I was learning with her would be better for me long term, sure it takes longer, sure I still struggle with urges to purge and stuff, sure if I basically don't eat all day cause I'm to busy I feel happy cause I know that it'll help me lose weight - I know that thinking like that isn't healthy, but at least when I have a "bad" day like that or a bad week, the next day or the next week I can go back and have that healthy way of being and I know that when I reach my goal that I will still be in a place that I can be healthy - I know I don't want to restrict or purge for ever, but neither can I go back to my old way of life with binge eating and obesity.....

Ok, so rant aside, I think it is good to talk to someone. I understand your aprehensions, but you might want to think about it, make an appointment when your ready




Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat or have questions
   
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