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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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This is probably one of the hardest things for me to type - November 21st 2014, 01:27 AM

I went inpatient and learned a lot about myself and my eating disorder. I also learned though that I am just not ready to give it up (i'm crying as I am typing this). I read the book "Life without Ed" and it really spoke to me but I feel so guilty not being ready to give it up. I am hating myself so much right now that I am not willing to give it up right yet.

Please, anyone, have they been in this situation before?

I got out of the hospital today and am so angry at myself that I relapsed but I'm kinda excepting the fact that I am just not ready to give it up. Please, no one get mad.

How normal is this? Please don't judge, this is a difficult time for me!
   
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Re: This is probably one of the hardest things for me to type - November 21st 2014, 01:35 AM

Hey Hazel,
We are not here to judge you. I think it is quite normal to not want to give up an eating disorder, just like someone wouldn't want to give up depression, self harm, or addictive behaviors. The truth is eating disorders are addictive! So it is human nature to not want to stop. But it is also in human nature to overcome their eating disorder if they find a strong enough reason to do so. Imagine life without your ED. It won't get better right away, but imagine feeling free from all this suffering, knowing that you got through this and it isn't taking over your life nor your health. Imagine that because you survived this you can support others in their own recovery. Everyone goes through a struggle and fights a battle. This is one of your battles. Give yourself a reason to fight and win. You have the strength to do so, you need to realize that this is what is best for you. But no one can do that for you, it must come from within. Perhaps read some stories about people who recovered and where they are now in their life. I know you said you read a book already. I'm not sure what exactly it is about but maybe get your hands on other books and recovery stories. Start small of course, rushing will exhaust you and have you wanting to back down. Use what you learned so far about how to recover and stick to it, think of it as not an "extra" but necessary for survival. I know you can do this
   
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Re: This is probably one of the hardest things for me to type - November 21st 2014, 04:11 PM

Hi,

Don't panic: you're normal. One of the major criticisms of inpatient is that, once the supervision and rules are gone, people just relapse. It happens. That's not to give you an excuse to engage in disordered behaviors, I'm just reassuring you. Recovery isn't a straight process.

"Not being ready to give it up"- you have to make yourself be ready, or go cold turkey. You'll never be ready. I know, oh god I know how much it hurts and how scared you'll be right now. If I could hug you right now I would. Sweetheart, you have to give it up. This is so so so dangerous, and I know danger seems like such an abstract concept and it doesn't really matter, but I urge you, please, talk to your therapist or caregiver, or the hospital. People won't be disappointed in you, they're there to help. You evidently just need a bit more support and guidance, and that's okay.

Please, please don't ignore this and continue acting destructively. I know you've got it in you to fight this, and you can do it. Once you find another way of dealing with upset, and negative emotions things get so much easier. You'll get there, I promise. It's so rarely a smooth journey.

You got this. Be brave <3



Take as long as you need.
   
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Re: This is probably one of the hardest things for me to type - November 21st 2014, 10:13 PM

Hey Hazel.

I understand what you're going through. In the beginning of my recovery, I did not want to recover. I didn't want to let go of my eating disorder at all. The book you read is excellent and really helped my recovery. Another book by Jenni Schaefer is Goodbye Ed, Hello Me. I think it could also help you recover. In the end it is up to you to recover, no amount of treatment will help until you decide to recover. It's hard, but completely possible. I know you want you're ED, that's understandable, but you have to realise it's killing you. ED is not your friend, like you think.

Like Laura said, you have to make yourself do it and just go straight forward. And you will never be fully prepared to give it up because it's something you'll always want, but when you're recovered even though you still want your ED you will know that living life is better than not living with your ED.

This is all completely normal in recovery. Everyone's recovery is also different. Don't hate yourself, decide that you love yourself and deserve to recover. When you hate yourself is when your ED can make you think you want it. Say "it's okay that I'm struggling and not ready, but I can and need to do this for myself."

Talk with whoever is treating you and tell them you don't feel ready and ask how they can help you feel ready. They are their to help you (so are we!) and won't get mad at you.

Keep trying your best. You can beat this.


“There is nothing beautiful about the wreckage of a human being.
There is nothing pretty about damage, about pain, about heartache.
What is beautiful is their strength, their resilience, their fortitude
as they display an ocean of courage when they pick through the
wreckage of their life to build something beautiful brand new,
against every odd that is stacked against them.” — Nikita Gill
   
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