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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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Just a rant - November 29th 2014, 05:58 AM

So, I got through Thanksgiving but I ate like a total pig. I ate way too much and today I was in a total haze and ate way too much as well. I get in these phases where I am out of it. I wouldn't say I am dissociated but I am not entirely present either and I just eat food. I feel terrible. I hate when this happens. My eating has been out of control lately and I've been binging or overeating...or at least what I feel is overeating. I haven't gained weight but I haven't lost weight and it makes me feel terrible.

I purge at least once a week which is better then when I was purging every day 3-5 times a day but I want to go back to that and restricting. I hate myself for not being able to restrict.

I can go the whole day without eating and be fine but then it's like I end up binging at night. Or, I end up going to subway and eating way too much food. I have terrible hunger cues and I don't know how to get them back on track. I don't feel hungry and then there are days on end where I am insatiable. I can't handle this because it makes me feel disgusting.

I don't know what I posted this. I needed to vent. The holiday season is here and people force food on you even when you don't need it. "Eat this, it's so good. " And, you do because you don't want to seem rude or you have no fricking self control.

I'm disgusting and I hate myself. I don't want to be this worthless fat girl forever.


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Re: Just a rant - November 29th 2014, 04:11 PM

Hi,

I know you said this was just a rant (and ranting is good, as you know!) but I wanted to offer a bit of comfort anyway.

People eat for pleasure at celebratory times. Cake at birthdays, buffets at parties, etc etc. Thanksgiving is no exception but obviously this can be challenging for someone who struggles to eat orderly normally anyway. The disorder surrounding food can be hard, and sometimes an ED can jump on to this uncertainty you might feel and make you feel really bad for something that everyone is doing. It's normal to eat for pleasure sometimes (like thanksgiving) and not just for hunger. That being said it's not normal to feel almost disassociated, again something I'd be surprised if you didn't know.

Unless you ate with your head in a trough eating bugs and vegetables, I doubt you ate like a pig Try not to be so harsh on yourself. You are human, nothing more and nothing less- and indulging in a food doesn't mean you have no self control. An eating disorder is a mental illness, it is not just you having a lack of self control, or whatever else your head might think up. It's not true, and there's scientific evidence to prove that disordered eating habits lead to a disordered mind.

Congrats on purging less now. Since there's two ways to quit something, gradually or cold turkey (see what I did there?) I'd say you were doing pretty well. You don't want to go back to purging more and restricting. You might think you do, but sweets, it's the disorder thinking, not you. Promise, kay? Your weight doesn't determine your weight. Your personality, the way you treat people, the things you do- that's what determines your worth, not your weight or what you eat. It takes a long time to get your head around that, I know. And I know it's so goddamn hard fighting yourself over every meal and every single thing that you want to eat. If you want to eat something just because, you can, occasionally. As long as it isn't fueled by a need to bury feelings, or major upset, it could just be a normal human craving. I crave jelly snakes in the middle of the night sometimes. It sucks.

You end up binging at night because you haven't eaten through the day- it's a biological response to not having enough food, and it'll keep happening as long as you don't feed yourself regularly. Eating regularly, in a routine, is one of the best things you can do for your body and mind, and is one of the keys to recovery in my eyes. Plan ahead if you have to, and let someone else know of your plans so you're more encouraged to stick to it. That'll also sort your hunger cues right out. My hunger cues didn't come back until after a year after I was completely recovered. You just need to plan around it, and make sure you're eating regularly.

You're not worthless. For a start, you're a staff member. You help others. You volunteer to help others. That's a pretty brilliant thing to say. It's a pretty big contribution to the world, and you should be very very proud. You've helped so many people. Let us help you.

Chin up, beautiful. You got this



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Re: Just a rant - December 1st 2014, 10:05 PM

My advice?

Be conscious of the food you're eating, and why you're eating it - whether you're eating it to soothe your emotions, to bond with others over a meal, or because you're genuinely hungry.

Eat enough to feel satisfied (not overstuffed or undernourished) when you're hungry, and eat exactly what you want. Why? Because your body naturally knows how much it needs and what it needs. Your body constantly craves cake? It's likely that there's some nutrient in the cake that your body is needing. Figure out which nutrient it has the highest concentration of, figure out a vegetable or a fruit that also has a high concentration of it, and munch away! Your body's appetite for that nutrient will be sated.

Be kind to your body: Don't hurt it with too much food, don't hurt it with too little. If you can learn to listen to your stomach rather than override it with what your mind thinks is the healthiest way you eat, your body will tell you exactly when to start and stop. It's when we start trying to override our bodies with our minds - and when we start spacing out from our food, because we force ourselves to consume more or less than our bodies need - that eating disorders spring up.

I highly disagree that your body needs to be on a routine. Don't try to force your body onto a routine, or you'll end up hungry outside of the mealtimes you set for yourself, then you'll eat, then you'll feel guilty and you'll want to purge again. I know because I've been there (I never purged, but I was almost desperate enough to do it).

My therapist told me the same advice I'm giving you: To leave the calorie-counting and the doctors' recommendations of counting calories behind, and eat what I want (healthier foods first, of course), when I want. No more and no less. While I'm a little more sedentary than I'd like (it's winter here, and terribly cold outside), I'm at a comfortable weight, I've finally learned to accept my body, and - a year after I started therapy - I now respect my body as the amazing, life-filled thing that it is.

If you're eating no more and no less than your body needs - and even following those sometimes ridiculously ill-timed hunger cues your body gives you - your body will naturally be its healthiest, your mind will be at peace regarding food (because you'll no longer be desperately searching for a way to make it obey you), and you won't have to worry about this again for a long, long while.
   
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