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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
LANIKA Offline
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Weight restored and struggling. - March 25th 2015, 06:17 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I haven't posted on these forums in a long time. It feels weird to be back. . . I just. Didn't really know where else to go.

When I was in eighth grade I struggled a lot with disordered eating - I ate very little and, eventually, I started purging quite regularly. I was constantly fatigued and in a bad place, but I never got to a weight lower than [Edited] - Which is just on the border of underweight and healthy. I did get help, I thought things were going to be okay. I really did.

And. . . I was. I had moments of hesitation, but for the most part it felt like something I had grown out of - That I had BEAT. I ate a healthy amount. . . I didn't fear food. Sometimes I overate, but honestly, who doesn't? And honestly, I didn't care that I had [Edited] calorie days. Life was good, for a full two years, almost three.

I got into a really bad relationship with somebody. It was just a friendship at first, but we had a terrible affect on each other from the get go - I think we both resented one another equally, but were too afraid to admit it. "Best friends" who constantly made each other feel like shit. We became close because she was harassing me and I reacted in defense of myself; She viewed this as betrayal and fell into a downward spiral. I was never guilty, but I stayed, because she threw the "you're all I have" card at me too many times. We were close. I think we genuinely cared about each other, but still resented each other a lot to admit it. We started dating. Constantly she talked about how fast she was losing weight, how long it had been since she ate. She would ask me about my intake only to brag about hers. And before I knew it, I was falling.

I weighed [Edited] in September. I had been maintaining [Edited] since recovery. I was eating as little as possible. I started self harming; I've been self harm free throughout my period of recovery.

I thought I wanted recovery. I know I NEEDED recovery. But I thought. . . I really wanted it. I don't know if I do now. I've been doing Minniemaud since November. I just had my period again since July. I look at pictures of myself from this past year and I think that I was so beautiful. And I think that if I could just get down to [Edited] again, maybe I would be content, and eat enough to maintain. I think, maybe if I lose it all again in a more healthy way, I'll be okay. I don't acknowledge that this is how it started.

I just. . . Miss who I was with my eating disorder. I feel so lost. I don't like who I am now. I have no focus. My grades are slipping. All I care about is my weight. All I can think about is how thin I used to be. And I look at these pictures of me and I think about how beautiful I was and I just feel like crying because I gave it all away.

I want to love recovery, I want to love myself like I did before, but I just. . . Don't know how.

Last edited by Kindred; March 25th 2015 at 04:39 PM. Reason: Please do not include weight or calorie numbers :) They're against the Code Of Conduct!
   
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Re: Weight restored and struggling. - March 25th 2015, 02:26 PM

Wow, you have a really hard time.
Watch thuis vid starting at 6:40. She answers a question from someone with a triggering friend who doesnt wants to stop the friendship. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D9LdM6xlN_U.

Honestly it sounds like you need to stop your relationship with this person. Also, your ED served a purposs and you need that again right now. Try to fight through it though. Remember how much you hurt back then.


Helping others sometimes makes it easier to feel good about yourself and help yourself.

So PM me if You want.
   
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Re: Weight restored and struggling. - March 25th 2015, 04:50 PM

Hey,

The thing about recovery is that it's not a linear process. Sometimes it's a case of 5 steps forward, and everything is great, and then suddenly you fall and it's 7 paces back. And that's okay, y'know? I wouldn't say it's "normal" to relapse; but it's as normal as falling over. You wouldn't fall over on purpose, and it'll hurt, but unfortunately it just happens. And you gotta get back up



Retrospect is a strange thing. Your eating disorder was and still is an illness. Although in hindsight those days may seem positive, I highly doubt they were. Sweets, you were slowly dying. I know that's a horrible thing to think, but that's the consequences of eating disorders, regardless of weight.

I went through something similar when I was ill, with the person who I could empathise with, and I understand what you're saying. If a relationship with someone is bad for you health, you need to break it off or find ways of making the relationship less toxic. You don't deserve to be made to feel that way, and it's important you change that.

I recovered using Maudsley (oh the name brings back memorys) and from what I know minniemaud is a variation of that. Stick with it. Better times are coming, but don't give in. Often, things get rough and if you get through it, absolute amazing things happen. "The night is always darkest just before the dawn".

Head up, we're all here for you <3



Take as long as you need.
   
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Re: Weight restored and struggling. - March 25th 2015, 08:01 PM

( I am VERY sorry that I posted numbers initially - I wasn't thinking, nor did I read the stickies in this board first. I'm sorry if doing so triggered anyone, and I promise that I won't do it again. )


Crotia, thank you. You're right -- Her and I are no longer a couple and though we talk occasionally it's nothing like it used to be in terms of intensity and time, and honestly I don't think I would have been able to even think about recovery if she were still playing such a major role in my life. I did neglect to mention it initially, but we parted ways a few weeks before I began Minniemaud.

Harlequin -- Thank you, too. You're absolutely right, that it's an illness and not a gateway to something great; I know that. I hate to be the person that romanticizes her own disease, but sometimes it's hard not to. I wish I could hate it, and often times I do, but then something goes wrong and I end up convincing myself that things were better when I was thinner. How do I get away from this mindset?

Last edited by LANIKA; March 27th 2015 at 07:21 PM.
   
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Re: Weight restored and struggling. - March 26th 2015, 11:57 PM

Well first - i have never had an eating disorder so my advice may be off. But, what I think is that you are having too much a one track thought process about the whole thing. The thing is that you can reach a good weight without using unhealthy means of getting there. Another thing is that you are obsessing too much with weight. There is more to being attractive than weight. Being skinny is not so important to being sexy. Well I guess that is what the media advertises- but there are so many other features about a girl that make her physically attractive than how much she weighs.

You can reach any healthy weight that you want through regular dieting. It may take more time to reach the target weight- but reaching it will convince you that you don't need to "relapse" to control your weight. Don't be so insecure about your weight that your grades are suffering. I know for a fact that nobody is noticing your weight as much as you are- so it doesn't need to be a top priority.

Being able to control your weight in a healthy way is part of recovery. If you aren't able to do that- then are still succumbing to the black and white thinking of eating disorders.Full recovery is about more than just not binging , purging, and restricting- its about not seeing weight and dieting solely in terms of an eating disorder. If you can afford to lose the weight- then maybe you should see a therapist before you try dieting- so you don't get tempted to relapse.
   
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Re: Weight restored and struggling. - March 27th 2015, 07:20 PM

I appreciate your advice more than I think I can adequately express through words.

However, I'm going to have to continue to chat the common mantra of, "It isn't just about weight." Because honestly, it isn't, though I recognize that my initial post did carry a lot of reminiscing for my previous low weight, there is a great deal more to it than that. And, to be completely honest, it's incredibly hard not to focus on my weight ( or be insecure about it, or obsess over it ) when I'm in such a less than stellar place mentally.

Your suggestion of dieting is one that's been given to me before - When I was starting to reach the depths of my disorder last fall, a close friend of mine ( not the one mentioned above ) was beginning to engage in behaviors. When I tried to steer her more towards the healthy "eat right and exercise" regime she threw it into my face that "I knew it was an option too and chose differently." That seems to be along the lines of what you're saying - I just lose weight, without engaging in disordered behaviors. If only.

I've also only been in recovery for a less than half a year. Being restored to my weight before relapse was a really, really, important part of that. I wasn't unhappy with how I looked during this time; I just don't remember how/why I was like this. And I need to. I know, I do know, that that I need to grow to accept my body and dieting in a healthy way will never be healthy for me. Dieting would not be tempting me to relapse, but would be me relapsing.
   
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Re: Weight restored and struggling. - March 28th 2015, 01:08 AM

Hey again,

The thing is it is really, really difficult to break the mindset. To give you a bit of an insight: I was weight restored in around April of 2012. My mindset didn't improve until September, and didn't completely go away until around the middle of 2013. That's over a year, and it's a long process. You've done the first thing, you've restored your weight. The mindset will come second. You're right, it's likely that dieting and joining in on all the latest crash diets and all of that is not going to be beneficial at all. Even the simple act of accidentally losing weight could trigger a relapse. I was always told that the reason I'm not (wasn't) allowed to exercise was because it was my trigger, and that's just the way it was. The same way an alcoholic shouldn't tease themselves with alcohol.

Basically, time. It will improve, I promise. I'm completely and utterly recovered, living alone (well with partner) and no worries about my weight, calories, body shape, nothing. It took a while to get here, but it does happen. For me it was a mixture of time, and acceptance.

You'll get there, I promise x



Take as long as you need.
   
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