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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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Noire Offline
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I told someone - May 12th 2015, 07:57 PM

The other night I was journaling about the struggle I am having with food. I came out to take my medicine and tell my mother goodnight and she asked me how my eating was going. I guess I was in a vulnerable place because I ended up telling her everything I've been going through. For the most part she didn't judge me, and she didn't tell me I was copying my sister, either. In some ways it felt like a huge relief for someone else to know. I didn't have this big secret anymore.

But now she wants me to tell my psychiatrist at my appointment on Thursday. I promised her I would, but I don't want to. I'm nowhere near a weight where I'd feel comfortable stopping these behaviors yet and I don't want to stop; I'm seeing positive results from the restricting. I'm afraid my psychiatrist is going to tell me I have to stop, or that I have to go to a special therapy group. My mom told me I may have to compromise on the amount of calories I am eating and I don't want to do that, either. I refuse to change my behavior. If they make me change my behavior I plan to go to the gym for hours every day to make up for how many calories they will make me eat.

My mom expects me to tell my therapist and my psychiatrist because she wants to know what they say. I'm not telling my therapist because when I told her I was purging she said something incredibly insensitive and unhelpful. I don't feel like she's a safe person to talk to. I wish I had told someone other than my mom first.

What do I do?


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Re: I told someone - May 12th 2015, 08:55 PM

Jordan. Things have got a lot worse since the last time I talked to you and I'm scared this is getting a greater grasp on you. You sound more desperate; you describe thought processes common to those suffering with a full on eating disorder.

I'm not going to sugar coat things because I know that's not what you'd want, right? I can tell you now you've told your mom everything is going to be okay, I can tell you what you're doing won't be damaging yourself, I can tell you your therapist will have all the answers. But I'm not going to do that. What you're doing is dangerous and although you're seeing "positive" results from the restricting I want to remind you of the things you can't see. Your heart, your brain, your stomach, your oesophagus. All the things you can't actually see but you know are there, you know you're damaging. You're developing a habit that can kill you quite easily, and you need to stop it. Do you know why I'm telling you this? How did you respond to it? Did you respond by brushing it off? Mentally rejecting it? If so, it means you're in serious danger of developing a mental illness beyond your control. That's why I'm telling you this. A mentally sound person would be shocked or scared by this information but those with eating disorders brush it off because they're more focused on the tangible results. Use your responses to what I'm saying to determine which category you're in right now.

Quote:
I refuse to change my behavior. If they make me change my behavior I plan to go to the gym for hours every day to make up for how many calories they will make me eat.
This is a danger sign. This is something I've heard from hundreds of people, don't underestimate how many people I've talked to in varying stages of a disorder. If you tell a doctor this, it's likely they will diagnose you with EDNOS, especially with the purging. Jordan: Please tell your therapist, or another doctor. I'm glad you've told your mom, I'm really glad. But please, this is such a slippery slope and I'm so worried about you because I watched this happen through your posts and nothing I could do could stop it. Maybe I'm not in the best place to objectively give you advice because of that. I'm emotionally involved so I can't step back and say everything I would normally stay. All I can do is beg you to seek help because this is a real warning sign and you've been deteriorating over the past few weeks. I'm sorry if I've upset you or scared you but I'm scared too, please, please try to stop this. It's not worth it, it's really not. You're so much more than your weight, you're so much more than appearance and all that bullcrap. You're brilliant and I admire you and I've always admired how logical you are. Apply that here, what would you say to someone else suffering as you are? You deserve help but please don't delay it. Keep us updated, yeah?

Good luck x



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Re: I told someone - May 15th 2015, 10:34 PM

Thanks Harlequin. I told both my therapist and my psychiatrist. I am very disappointed in both of their responses. My psychiatrist insists that I must feel out of control somewhere in my life because eating disorders are about control. She literally said "If everything is great, then why would you have an eating disorder?" I took offense to this. I am incredibly self aware and constantly take stock of where I am at in life. I don't feel out of control over anything except my eating. School is great, work is great, my relationships with other people (minus not telling them) are great. I left both of those appointments upset.

So you know what? Fuck them. It's obvious my therapeutic treatment team isn't going to be any help. I have never been more disappointed in all of them than I am not. And of course now my reaction is "Fine, I just won't eat at all." But that's not an option. I agreed to see a nutritionist, if I can get an appointment with her. I'm just so tired of thinking about food. Today I've pigged out a little without making myself throw up and I feel disgusting. I know I have to eat a normal dinner, too, so I'm just like "Screw it, I'll eat whatever."

So it appears I either:

A) Eat too much and feel horrible about myself
B) Eat too much and purge
C) Barely eat anything at all

I'm utterly miserable. And it's all made worse by the fact my treatment team was so awful about it.


Love joins
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Love breaks us apart
The power to conquer here in our hearts
Enduring and sacred
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For love, love alone will conquer all


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Re: I told someone - May 16th 2015, 02:59 AM

Jordan,

I think you should tell your treatment team that you are disappointed with their responses. I think that is one of the main ways you can work to resolve this. It might not change their reaction to what you have told them but it will, hopefully, help you feel better about this.

I do think that some professionals have a stereotypical idea of the reasons someone has an ED. I know my ED is, in part, due to wanting to be in control but that isn't always the case. Sometimes I just want to be thinner because I am considered overweight. I don't think people should generalize the help they are giving like that. If you say that you don't feel it has anything to do with control they should respect that and try to come up with other reasons why you might be struggling with this.

Is there anything going on in your life that might be triggering this? My symptoms do flare up when I am struggling a lot but that doesn't mean they disappear when I am feeling better. I think that there might be a trigger somewhere in there but only you are the one who can find it and be the judge of it.

I wish I had more advice to offer but please tell your treatment team how their reactions impacted you and see if that does anything to help with the emotions you are feeling.

Also, if you can it might help if you look into seeing a therapist who specializes in ED's. This doesn't always help but they might have a better understanding of what you are going through and they might be able to help you work on figuring out how to deal with it.

I really hope that this helped and if you need anything you know I am available.


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Re: I told someone - May 24th 2015, 08:02 PM

I'm sorry this is a bit late. I am glad you spoke to your team about the issues around your eating because I know this was a hard thing for you to do and can understand that you didn't like the response you had from; I don't think I would have done neither. Is there any chance you could see your doctor about your eating problems? Maybe they might be more supportive about it and offer to put support in place such as you to see a dietitian or nutritionist or even refer you to an eating disorder team. Also if you don't feel comfortable with your therapist, could you ask to change your therapist to someone else? I know this might be a hard conversation to have but if it's going to benefit your mental health then I think it's going to be a conversation well worth having.

However, you don't like you are intending to change your behaviors. What ever support people put in place for you, you have to take on and work with them otherwise you aren't going to get anywhere. People can help you get a "normal" and healthy eating routine but only if you work with them and are willing to change the unhealthy eating patterns that you are now engaging in. I know it's easier me saying it than you doing it but it is possible. I have EDNOS and Bulimia and I know how hard it can be but you just have to work really damn hard and give it a bit of time too. Of course there are going to be struggles but that's why you'd have the extra support in place.

I know this is all really hard for you now but it can get better. And we're here to support you all the way. Stay strong and believe in yourself. You can do this.
Jessie


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Josie 12/3/2014, always in my heart. Sue 19/2/2016; Peter, Ellie, Hannah, Andy, Kirtsie RIP.

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