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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Heathen Offline
Beauty and Bedlam
Jeez, get a life!
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Having trouble - June 18th 2015, 03:23 AM

In my last update I said I was in the process of making an appointment with a nutritionist. In the weeks since then I have met with a nutritionist three times. She's very informative and helpful and gives me lots of good information about how nutrition and the body works. We are in the process of developing positive eating habits.

It would be great, except for the fact that I can't seem to follow her instructions. Her basic instructions are eat three times a day and eat certain times and amounts of food at those times. I do have good intentions, I really do. But in the end I can't seem to follow what she says. Basically the pattern currently is I restrict for two or three days and then I'll eat a normal amount of calories for a day, maybe two. If I try to push myself to eat on one of my restricting days I'll have an anxiety attack. For example, Sunday I broke down sobbing in public because my girlfriend wanted to eat a certain kind of food and when we got to the restaurant my anxiety was so bad I couldn't contain it anymore. It was embarrassing and scary. It brought back other harmful urges of mine.

Yet on the days I'm not restricting I have no qualms eating the normal amount of calories. I'll feel a little guilty, sometimes anxious, but mostly fine. It's just I have to restrict for the next few days to "make up" for eating the way I do.

I can't get out of this cycle and others are noticing. My mom told me if I don't start following the nutritionist's instructions she will put me in an outpatient program. I can't do that; I have travel plans this summer and I would die a little inside if they got interfered with. But I can't follow her instructions, I just can't. I don't know what to do.

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No one had to know
The moon asked the crow...
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Kindred Offline
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Re: Having trouble - June 20th 2015, 02:53 PM

Sounds like you do need the outpatient program- as much as that's not what you want to hear. You're in a cycle of destructive behaviour and that needs to be stopped, and if you can't alone then you need to seek assistance with it.

Since outpatient would interfere with your plans, could you try using that as motivation to eat normal amounts on restricting days? Have pictures beside you of all the places you're going to and won't be able to if you're in an outpatient program, or worse, admitted if this thing gets worse. Your body's plans are getting interfered with by you not eating enough- have some empathy for it Nah but seriously, try out the motivation thing and if not, you're going to have to consider trying something else

Take as long as you need.
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Re: Having trouble - June 25th 2015, 12:42 AM

Hey Jordan,

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but it sounds like outpatient might be the best option for you. The fact of the matter is that you currently aren't in a position where you're willing to do what you have to do in order to maintain recovery. I've been there. I'm sure everyone who has attempted to beat their eating disorder has been there at some point. If you aren't willing to follow the instructions given to you by the nutritionist on your own, it really sounds like you might need that extra push.

It's clear how upset you would be if outpatient were to interfere with your travel plans. That's completely understandable! Try to use the fear of treatment overtaking your plans to motivate you to push yourself a little harder towards recovery. Perhaps you can print out photos of places you're planning on going or write out a list of things that you're planning on doing to remind you of what you're fighting for this in this moment. Are you taking your trip with anyone or to see someone specific? If you are and they know about your struggles with an eating disorder, you can try asking them to hold you accountable.

Use your planned trip as leverage to fight for recovery. It's completely okay for that to be your only reason to follow the instructions given by the nutritionist right now. Obviously, the ultimate goal is for you to want to change your eating patterns of your own free will. But, if you need to use vacation plans for a little extra push, do it!

You've got this, girl! <3

wanderlust consumed her;
foreign hearts & exotic minds compelled her.
she had a gypsy soul
and a vibrant heart for the unknown.
-d. marie
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
Heathen Offline
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Jeez, get a life!
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Re: Having trouble - June 27th 2015, 08:10 PM

Thanks for your replies, guys. I'm afraid of going to outpatient for a few reasons. For one, I think having someone tell me what to eat and when I eat it will make me oppositional and defiant and things will be worse than they already are. Secondly, I am afraid if I go into outpatient they won't take into account the fact that I really do need to lose weight and instead will just make me eat what everyone else needs to eat, including those who have such severe anorexia that they are incredibly malnourished and need to gain weight. This would not be cool with me. The thought of undoing all my progress makes me incredibly anxious and upset. Thirdly, my sister is a recovering anorectic. Last year she went through a treatment program. She's doing great now and I'd be mortified if she found out I had an eating disorder.

My mom actually wrote me a letter and left it on the fridge the other day saying she wanted me to talk to my therapist about what was going on with my eating/not eating. I talked with my therapist about it and we came up with a "plan" to help me "get back in touch with the part of me that cares about myself." Basically I'm supposed to find a way to start caring for myself again, be honest with my nutritionist, reach out to my support network, and join a DBT support group for people with eating disorders. In all honesty I have no idea whether or not I will follow this plan. I like my system. I'm finally starting to feel good about how I look. I don't want to undo it all. And I don't want to eat as much as my nutritionist wants me to eat. I cancelled my appointment with her this week because I didn't follow her instructions and I didn't want to spend a lot of money for her to tell me what I already know.

I've bought enough time to go on my trip by promising to work on these things. I have another trip in August that I'm also excited about and I am going to try. I think. I don't know, honestly. I'm just thinking about lying to everyone to get them off my back. It's none of their business, anyway.

I'm sorry, guys. I feel awful for saying things like this but I just feel so angry and upset and stuck. I'm trying to focus on my trip to see if that will inspire me more because I am really excited about going. This week I will try and make an extra effort at things. But deep down I still feel hopeless about it, as if things will never improve, no matter how hard I try. It's starting to make me suicidal, and I've begun to think about self-harm again.

The moon asked the crow
For a little show
In the hazy milk of twilight
No one had to know
The moon asked the crow...
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