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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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gained weight and freaking out - October 16th 2015, 05:02 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Hello!
One thing before I begin explaning this problem: I haven't been diagnosed with an eating disorder and I don't think I have one, but I sometimes find myself having problems related to my body and food. I'm going to post this thread here because I thought it was the most appropriate category, but feel free to move it if there's a better one. - Also, I thought I'd avoid writing down numbers, as it might trigger someone.

It's been a really long time since I last had problems with my body/weight. I don't really know what triggered my reaction, but I now can't look in the mirror without cringing. I absolutely hate my body. It disgusts me. I eat too much and my belly's become so big and my legs and arms are so small... I feel really bad about myself when I eat. It's been like this since july, aka before I went to the seaside.
Today I had to do a medical check up (I have diabetes) and the doctors have weighed me and I gained (x,y kg) in the past two weeks or so. I can't even blame it on eating too much food for breakfast because I hadn't had anything to eat yet (because of some exams I had to do, I couldn't eat breakfast). I haven't really freaked out, because my mother isn't really supportive when it comes to this type of things, she tends to brush it off. She has the typical "well, if you're fat, then what am I?" kind of attitude, so basically I just went "oh god I've gained (x,y kg) in only two weeks" so she didn't say anything except "really?". I do have to say: in the past few months, as much as I acted like eating didn't bother me, it did. I felt guilty after every meal. Now that I've gained weight, I might start restricting again (I used to do that - I wouldn't stop eating, but I would reduce the portions and/or skip a course, then blame it on not being hungry).
There are periods when I eat junk food until I feel sick, sometimes I keep eating even if I feel nauseous, and then I feel guilty. Then there are periods when the thought of eating makes me feel sick, and I try to eat as little as possible (and it's not hard for me to convince myself that an empty stomach feels better than a full one). I also have periods when all I think about is my health, so I try to eat in a normal way and avoid junk food.
Up until june/july I used to eat normally and not gain any weight because I was stressed because of school and exams, but after that I started gaining weight and I started freaking out about it again.
I think I'm done with the post, I just need some advice to get through this weight change.
I need to point out that I'll be going back to therapy (not really sure when though), because the premature demise of a friend has triggered depression and urges to self harm, and worsened my anxiety (should I blame this problem on that too?), so in case anyone wants to suggest therapy, I'm getting there.


MONACHOPSIS
the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place, as maladapted to your surroundings as a seal on a beach—lumbering, clumsy, easily distracted, huddled in the company of other misfits, unable to recognize the ambient roar of your intended habitat, in which you’d be fluidly, brilliantly, effortlessly at home.
   
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Re: gained weight and freaking out - October 17th 2015, 05:31 PM

Hey!

You beat me to it- one of my responses was going to be therapy. It sounds like you're a very sensible and rational person and I'm glad you're going to seek help regarding these other problems. Make sure to mention this- it could very possibly be contributing or be a result of something else.

Weight fluctuation is normal and to an extent so is feeling bad about it- not that that is a good or desirable thing, just with the society we live in sometimes it can be incredibly hard to not feel bad about weight gain. It becomes a warning sign when coupled with extreme thoughts, intention or action. Someone without eating problems would probably feel bad, maybe say they were going to cut out chocolate or something, and then continue on with their day, or some may even start a diet. Someone with an unhealthy attitude around food might restrict, binge, feel incredibly guilty, etc. It sounds like you fall into the latter category with your description of yourself and the things you've done in the past as well as the guilt you feel around eating. Eating is a survival behavior, a necessary thing you need to do, and so it should be associated with a rewarding feeling and a desire to repeat when hungry again. Not guilt. That's a sign something has gone wrong, an association has been flipped or changed, and that's something that has to change. Therapy is a good way to go with this, sometimes doing a bit of CBT on the side (google free apps or websites) can help too but nothing is a real substitute for full on engaging in therapy.

It's possible the anxiety and depression has triggered this problem again. Mental health problems all seem to correspond and correlate and the demise of one can often lead to the demise of another. Co-morbidity or something, I'm really tired or I'd be firing off statistics left and right You might see an improvement with the others, you might not. So be prepared to engage with therapy (make it a priority) for this specifically.

Find a motivation and stick to it. Whatever works for you, no matter how "silly". Don't let yourself fall in the pattern on restricting again, as it will only worsen all your symptoms and give you further to climb back up, because you can't stay like this forever- life changes!

I wish you good luck, and we're always here for you



Take as long as you need.
   
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Re: gained weight and freaking out - October 22nd 2015, 06:47 PM

Hey there, I'm glad to hear that you are going back to therapy. I also think you should discuss this with him/her, as they might be able to help you cope with the feelings you have about your weight.

Even though I'm not able to see you, I think that you are a beautiful person, no matter what the number says on the scale.
   
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