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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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Weight - February 28th 2016, 10:09 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of eating disorders, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I've been with the Eating Disorders Team since June last year. I'm getting weighed on Wednesday and I feel so overwhelmed and disgusting about it. I don't think I'll ever get over this eating disorder. This is the first time I have gained some weight since October. And I have gained it in a month. It makes me feel sick to my stomach. My mind is going crazy, like how on earth do I lose all this weight that ive gained in a month, in the space of two days? Why does it have to be this way? I'll never have a "normal" relationship with food, whatever that is -__- my weight is always screwing my head up. I feel it in a morning when I get up. I feel like I've gone heavier in myself, even with a small amount of weight gain I notice all the changes in my body, and it makes me feel worse. It's disgusting. It makes me want to cut myself to another level, but I haven't cut since August last year and have no intention of going back into that horrendous cycle of using pain as a coping mechanism. What the hell am I supposed to do?


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Re: Weight - February 29th 2016, 06:46 PM

Hey,

I know it feels pretty damn hopeless sometimes, and if recovery wasn't full of doubt and fearfulness then it would probably be a lot easier. But the fact you're in a position to have these thoughts means you've made progress. Yes, your mind is fighting against that, the views and beliefs you have around yourself and food are not okay with weight gain. And that's normal, it really is. As horrible as it feels, as awful as it sounds to have to call something so distressing normal, this reaction to weight gain is one shared by so many other people who are fighting this. It's why so many people get stuck in the cycle of starting recovery then relapsing when they gain weight- only to start all over again. This is one of the hardest bits of recovery, because at one point something has to give- your negative thoughts, or the recovery process. Giving up on recovery lands you back in a place you've been before. Powering through and ignoring your head by any means possible and keeping this up is going to lead you to places that feel amazing. People do strange things to ignore the thoughts in their heads until they're in a strong enough place to actually start challenging them and working on them. Personally, I cried. I used to sob my heart out, I used to cry whenever I had to eat, I used to scream, but the most important thing is that I used to eat everything I had to to stay healthy (although I did need a lot of help during this phase, and it was incredibly distressing for all involved). But the point is it ends. It gets to a stage where it's easier to accept weight gain as something that's necessary.

Weight gain is always going to be something you have to deal with- now, or when you start recovery following a relapse. Because we both know not recovering isn't an option, whether that's now, in a hospital, in a crisis centre. You're there, you're making progress and you're doing so so so so so well. Don't lose all that progress, it's going to be harder when you have to start again and find the same obstacles waiting for you.

You mention you're with an eating disorders team- brill. Ask them what support they can provide for you to cope with these thoughts in the moment. I couldn't challenge thoughts or rationalise my behaviour in this stage, I could only distract myself. Work on that. Since it was largely anxiety based for me, blankets, soothing videos, animals and my hairdryer (I shit you not ) helped me through the worst of it...as well as tears. It's not always going to be possible to stay strong, and don't hold back. This is hard! Really really hard. But you can do it, and I know you can.

And as always, feel free to post here whenever x



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