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LeRiA Offline
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Name: LeRiA
Age: 16
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Posts: 34
Join Date: July 20th 2015

Unhappy Gonna Relapse ;- - June 18th 2016, 08:25 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

So, before my 11th birthday, approximately 5 months before, I completely cut out food. I don't have a clue how I did it, seeing how I usually love salads and pastas, but I did. I admit, I was on the chubby side then but is it my fault? I was put on steroids when I was little and they made me pile on the pounds like the snap of a finger. Now, I seem to have lost most of the weight but I am still considered obese. Anyway, before my birthday, I was watching people's anorexia stories on YouTube, thinking that the skeletons on there were beautiful and that they were fat when they recovered. Worse still, I was and still am using the videos for inspiration. I am aware that my mind is completely screwed up. So, after about 4 months of barely eating, I noticed changes in my thighs, the part of me that I was conscious of the most. I'd gone thin. i was so happy that you would not believe but then my birthday came and I snapped back into reality. Cake slice after cake slice and the weight piled on again. The doctors at school measured everyone's height and weight. I came back obese, but unlike the other children, the nurse said that I looked fine and that she wasn't going to put me on the healthy eating course. I wish she did. I really wish she did. I don't see why everyone calls me skinny. My friends, my family... I don't see why. Whenever I look in the mirror, there's a loud voice that clings to me that tells me to stop eating and "look at yourself, you're morbidly obese." There's another voice that says "who cares if you're fat, eat eat, eat, eat." I'm swaying more to the stop eating side because all I see is fat. My friends see healthiness. My family sees healthiness. Bmi calculators see healthiness. The nurses see healthiness. Are they messed up, or am I delusional? I think I need help but I'm not sure.

I'm not a cutter, I'm a fighter.
These are my scars from battle.
This is the blood of my enemies.
Don't relate me to them, because unlike them,
I'm strong,
and they can be just like me if they try.
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gonna, relapse

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