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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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I've come too far - October 31st 2016, 05:21 AM

im going to be getting a counselor soon so I'm excited for that. A part of me wants to recover and develop healthy eating habits and a healthy body image but another part won't let me do that. I began starving myself again and now gonna begin my 2 hour morning workouts this week.

I purged myself today for the second time ever. It feels freeing and I feel incontrol bc I ate so much today. I apparently have "the perfect body" according to my friends but I don't believe them. I will do whatever it takes to feel satisfied with the way I look. Nothing can stop me and if I'm still not happy with my body a month from now, I'm probably going to commit suicide.

I keep making plans to do that but I might hang around a little longer to wait and see if I get better soon. I've attempted suicide once so far and it didn't work so I might keep trying. I'm just done. I can never be happy with my body. My body type is able to gain and lose weight really easily so I should be happy about that but I'm not. I hate gaining weight.

It's a constant cycle and I hate it. Ill binge and then I'll fast for a long time and do extreme workouts and try to purge and then I binge again. I keep gaining weight then losing it all and then it keeps repeating.

I want to get better but I've said that a thousand times and I keep falling back into this vicious cycle. I just wish I could give up or get through this with no looking back. But I always come back into this deep dark ditch of despair.

I just want a caring heart. Does anyone have advice for me? Anything at all. I'll hold onto those words even I don't they don't help. Please just say something.
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Re: I've come too far - October 31st 2016, 05:43 AM

So I honestly I am in the same boat as you right now. Starving, eating, purging, exercising.

Anyways I know it's really hard to hear things like "wow you are thin" "Wow I'd kill to have your body" and shit like that when you don't believe it at all. I know how it is. I would say that the side of you that doesn't want you to get better is the ed side. You yourself want to get better because you know it's unhealthy and that it is damaging you, but your ed(whatever you call it, I mean I call mine AnaMia) has a tight hold on you that won't let you go. I am proud of you for getting a therapist. Honestly I would be completly honest with her and tell her that you do but don't want to get better open up to her and let her help.

If you ever need to talk to someone about anything and some who understands the struggle of knowing whats right but doing the wrong thing anyways then I'm always open. I also have kik if you wanna talk there.

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Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's okay not to be okay
Sometimes it's hard, to follow your heart
Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
Just be true to who you are
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Re: I've come too far - October 31st 2016, 07:49 AM

Eating disorders are such a vicious cycle, I agree. And it can be so hard to break the cycle, but it's never impossible to. You really need to be honest with the counselor you see because they can't help unless your honest with them about what's going on. They will help you get through, but you also need to help yourself get there. If this is your first counselor, remember not every counselor/therapist is the right fit for every person. Sometimes it takes finding more than one counselor to find the right one. You should be really proud of yourself for getting into counseling and willing to do it. That shows a lot of strength on your part against the disordered thoughts.

You really should not begin those morning workouts. It will be harder to stop once you start them. You should also really try not to keep purging however you are doing so because that will be really detrimental to you. And you haven't been doing it a lot yet, so try to hear me when I say stop before it gets addicting. I know you feel in control when you act on symptoms like purging or restricting, but it is honestly so far from you being in control. That is the eating disorder is in control of you. Telling you what to do, when and how to do it.

In all honesty, you probably won't be happy with your body a month from now. For most people in recovery, that's an entirely different journey than recovering from the eating disorder. It can take years for some people to learn to love and be happy with themselves. It's a process. A really rewarding process.

In my own experience in recovery, it has never been a straight path through. It's honestly gone in all directions - up, down, right, left, and just all over the place sometimes. And in my opinion recovery isn't something you do and then you're done with because your eating disorder doesn't magically disappear. There will still be thoughts and urges, but you will have the tools to dispute the thoughts and ignore/overcome the urges. Hopefully the counselor you see can help you with these things. Recovery is more of a life long journey that you start. It will have its ups and downs, but it is very rewarding.

I'm not sure if any of that was helpful. Those are just things I wished I had been told when I was deep into my eating disorder. Anyway, I'm just saying I care and that you're not alone. Hang in there.

“There is nothing beautiful about the wreckage of a human being.
There is nothing pretty about damage, about pain, about heartache.
What is beautiful is their strength, their resilience, their fortitude
as they display an ocean of courage when they pick through the
wreckage of their life to build something beautiful brand new,
against every odd that is stacked against them.” — Nikita Gill
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Re: I've come too far - October 31st 2016, 11:34 AM

Thank you both so much. It helped a lot.
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Re: I've come too far - November 8th 2016, 01:45 AM

Just keep working at it. 2 steps forward, 1 step back, and 2 more forwards again.

You eating habits are just that. Habits. If you want to change a habit you need to look at what triggers it. Perhaps it is an outside influence? Be aware of how you feel before you binge. Maybe you are stressed? Look for patterns, and find ways to avoid your trigger, or replace it with another, more positive habit.
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Re: I've come too far - November 18th 2016, 09:14 PM

You're an incredibly, incredibly strong person for any attempt of recovery you make. Eating disorders are not something that go away in a day. It took you years to get sick, and it may take time to recover, but you do not deserve to suffer. You do not deserve to live an unhappy life. You are a caring and wonderful person, and you deserve a life that is filled with memories of friendships, travel, and achievements, not just about numbers and calories and hours exercising.

When do you see a counselor? Do you have any updates on that?

Stay strong, we are here for you.

I said to the sun, "Tell me about the big bang"
& the sun said “it hurts to become."
Andrea Gibson, "I Sing The Body Electric; Especially When My Power Is Out"
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Re: I've come too far - November 18th 2016, 09:32 PM

Thanks Traci. I saw the counselor last week and I'm gonna see her again tomorrow.

She gave me good advice and the thing she is worried about the most is about how often I purge. We talked about that and about all my other problems and she said I'll have to be taken through a recovery program if I don't stop hopefully soon. She really wanted to see me before thanksgiving and I think that's why.
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