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~Radio Flyer~ Offline
Please call that story back.

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Name: Violet
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Join Date: May 12th 2016

confused - December 28th 2016, 07:51 AM

I feel very ugly fat, big and disgusting. I haddisordered eating since a young age, mostly restricting and starving.(although I've always been a messy eater and somewhat impulsive. Not sure if I actually overate or if adults were just saying that) . It is kinda like a punishment thing for me as well? Withholding food because I feel like I take up too much space and don't want to be more of a burden. Not sure, as it isn't something I've really explored as much as my main self harm issues. Anyway, I was feeling bad about my body before I did anything about it. I was just scrutinizing my body parts, mostly skin picking but also having moments of looking at myself in the mirror analyzing body parts for hours whereas other times I would be too ashamed to look at all and avoid mirrors. Living with my grandparents was hard because they would shame me a lot. I have a sensitive stomach and got sick a lot. They'd blame my sickness on me eating too much. I was 8 years old and embarrassed because they called me names in front of my cousins (words that suggested I eat too much/am greedy/fat) other people have said and done things that shamed my body or me as a person. Including myself to be honest. I'm known for being hard on myself

Recently, my father made a comment. I was wearing a sweater and my sister said I looked cute in it. My father said the sweater was nice where'd I get it from? I said person K donated it to me. He said it was too small on me and that I should give it to my sister. Like literally he wanted me to take it off then and there and give it to her.
My sister said it wasn't small on me though.

These comments make me wonder about my own body. Like for a long time, my dad said I was very big and tall. He said I was like (edited height) and I was 10 years old at the time. Now, I see myself as (edited height) at least. But the doctor said I'm (edited height)
My sisters say I'm a lot shorter than I think. They get a little annoyed like here we go again kind of thing
I also feel like my clothes are too small on me but my sisters say theyre too big on me

My friend thinks i starve myself because i never eat in front of her. And when she gets hungry, I go with her to a food place but don't order anything
I think I was being too obvious and need to hide it more.
At home I eat though but there's problems at home because we dont eat at designated times and i get anxious because many times im the one who does grocery shopping AND the cookung but then i dont get from that food because theres this silent competition that i keep trying to do something about like make it more equal. Like when my sister hides food for herself, she takes food away from me to do that and then I feel like I don't deserve to eat so I restrict more and then later on i eat a lot (maybe not considered a binge, in quantity but I eat fast, impulsively and more than I wanted to) But also with my sister she doesn't think she is impulsive or that it isnt a problem, she says she exercises a lot so she is eating her portion. But she is pretty wreck less about it, like she would eat directly from the pot. So I started making plates for everyone but they got annoyed at that. But when I'm depressed in bed, they literally save nothing for me and then I have to go back out and buy more food. Or cook a different meal.
We are also super tight on money which isnt helping and always made things more complicated.

I don't have a scale at home, don't know where the measuring tape is. And I've never really counted calories to the dot. But I'm struggling with feeling fat and overweight. But when I tell people that they laugh at me and say I'm a skeleton.
Sometimes I don't even mention my weight or size but they do-thry say I'm skinny. Sometimes people say I'm big and tall.
I'm confused.

Last edited by ~Radio Flyer~; December 28th 2016 at 08:35 AM. Reason: editing height because not sure if thats allowed
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