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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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Complete Love. Offline
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Am I the only one? - January 7th 2017, 10:13 PM

Am I the only one who wants to get healthy but is terrified of losing control? I started treatment again the other day and I feel so many mixed emotions. A small part of me is excited to be healthy and the rest is freaking out. Food has been the way I have had control in my life and its given me a cushion to fall back on when life is overwhelming. I have realized how unhealthy this is but why am i so scared to let go of something that is killing me? Shouldn't I be happy Im getting help. Why do I feel sad and angry even. Any insight into this would be helpful. Thanks.

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Re: Am I the only one? - January 7th 2017, 10:30 PM

When I was in treatment, my perception of what I could control changed. For the longest time I thought I was the one controlling what/when/how much I ate. But it was really my eating disorder telling me what to do. When I started recovery I thought I had always been in control, but I never was. So I took control in different ways. I took control by following my meal plan instead of letting my eating disorder order me around. I also controlled my symptoms. Instead of my eating disorder making feel like I had to purge/restrict/etc I said no to it and that I was going to do something healthy to cope.

Eating disorders only give us the illusion of control. Fighting for recovery is where we regain control. But I really understand feeling the need to have the ED as a crutch in life. And getting rid of it will mean you need to face things in a healthier manner.

It is not wrong to feel sad or angry that you're going to be starting treatment. It's how you feel. I know I'm often afraid. Usually our eating disorders are with us for long periods of time, so getting rid of them and saying no to acting on symptoms is scary and we don't always want to at first because it's different. Change is really scary and we can get angry or sad trying to think of why we need to change when we might not want to.

Recovery is different for everyone and often people go to treatment multiple times for their eating disorder. We all experience relapse at some point. I think you might feel happier about it once you start feeling the benefits of it. I know I often forget how good it feels to be eating proper amounts regularly and not purging.

Not sure if that's helpful, but I wish you the best in treatment. You're welcome to PM if you ever want to as well.

“There is nothing beautiful about the wreckage of a human being.
There is nothing pretty about damage, about pain, about heartache.
What is beautiful is their strength, their resilience, their fortitude
as they display an ocean of courage when they pick through the
wreckage of their life to build something beautiful brand new,
against every odd that is stacked against them.” — Nikita Gill
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Re: Am I the only one? - January 8th 2017, 09:04 PM


You are certainly not the only one. I think we become used to our illness (ED) and we settle in to the ways we have allowed it to live with us abd part of us and even though it wasn't a safe behaviour, it is a behaviour that has felt helped us through possibly some of the hardest times of out lives. Or I know that is how people have felt, and how I have also felt. So letting go of something that big can be scary. Like for me, a part of my ED is control. So in my head recovering means losing control and it sets me back, but when I think logically, I know when I engage in my ED, I am actually out of control and recovering means being in control. Does that make sense? But like I said, when in emotional mind and wise mind, it can make us very, very, confused about all of this but trust me, you're never alone.

And please, if you need us for anything, ever, know and remember we are always here for you no matter what!

Hope and wishes,

"Only in the dark, can you see the stars..."
Josie 12/3/2014, always in my heart. Sue 19/2/2016; Peter, Ellie, Hannah, Andy, Kirtsie RIP.

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Re: Am I the only one? - January 9th 2017, 03:51 PM

Thanks Guys. That is helpful. Especially knowing im not alone in this.

"If I could just unzip my skin, step out of this body, then I would see who I really am.” -Wintergirls

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Re: Am I the only one? - January 12th 2017, 03:45 PM

I agree with what others have said above. I realized my ED controlled ME. MY ED caused me to be bed-ridden, no energy, pretty much psychotic/delusional and poor thinking with no nutrition to my brain. I couldn't do any of the fun activities or hang out with people like *I* wanted to do because I was sick and injured constantly. I am in recovery and I've never felt better. So many health issues went away and I was free to live my life. Starting treatment is terrifying at times, but the best you can do is listen and work with your treatment team to the best you can, and problem solve what you're struggling with. There is hope, I believe in you. You can do this!!

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