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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Oh, Bother Offline
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I give up - June 10th 2017, 10:28 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of eating disorders, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I am such a fat ugly piece of shit. I have actually gained weight which is weird because my clothes are looser but that doesn't matter at all. I am tired of being this disgusting and fat. I honestly don't want to be the fat ugly one anymore. I am probably going to start my eating disorder behaviors today. I am going to be eating but probably going to start purging after eating. And starting Monday I am going to start my "diet" and I don't even care if this is dangerous.

I just hate the fact that I am so ugly. I used to be thinner than I am now, and I mean a lot thinner but I was still really fat and ugly but at least i wasn't in the clothes I am in now.

I hate this so very much. I really want to start going back on my pro-ana websites and get back with people who understand my struggle of being the fat one.

Please don't try and tell me that I am not fat. According to the doctors I am morbidly obessed so please don't say it's in my head because it isn't.



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Re: I give up - June 11th 2017, 02:50 PM

Hey Essa,

I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. I'm going to offer you a mixture of advice, and simply some support, because I know sometimes what I need when I feel this way is just some validation.

I think something that is important for you to focus on is loving your body as it is now, and treating it in a healthy fashion. You may lose weight. You may never lose weight. Regardless, you are with your body for the rest of your life and taking care of yourself is crucial. This means eating a healthy diet (which does not mean restricting but rather listening to your hunger cues and eating balanced meals) regularly so that you can avoid binging, finding movement that you enjoy, and addressing your eating disorder not just by avoiding restricting, purging, and binging, but also seeking therapy regularly for the psychological impacts. These pro-ana blogs will not help you and may make things ultimately worse. Do you have a therapist you trust right now?

Diets typically fail, and they not only harm your body in the short run, but actually harm your metabolism in the long run and usually cause you to gain more weight long-term. If your clothes are feeling looser, you might actually be losing fat and gaining muscle, which is normal if you've been engaging in more physical activity than is normal. I'd stop focusing on your weight or the BMI number. If you can, throw your scale away. Many healthy people will never be a "healthy" BMI because that's not how our bodies are built. I am one of those people too. It's really hard; the media doesn't represent how the majority of the US looks, and we're constantly comparing ourselves to people who meet these standards.

Instead, focus on doing things that make you feel good. Eating regularly, including a bit of junk food to avoid it being a taboo and therefore binging on it when its available. Then find exercise that you like, and hobbies you enjoy. And take care of your mental wellbeing first.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way, but reach out. Good luck.


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Re: I give up - June 12th 2017, 12:57 PM

Hi Essa,
I'm sorry you are having a hard time right now with this. I truly believe that everyone is beautiful inside and out. If you can find something about you, that you like and say how you like that. For example you like you hair, or paint your nails and say how pretty you look. And then add more when you can. I really hope you will be okay. Hugs
   
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Palmolive Offline
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Re: I give up - June 25th 2017, 07:45 PM

Hi Essa.

Thanks for coming to us here! I hope we can help you

I agree a lot with what Coffee had to say. You need to get to a point where you can start loving yourself no matter what and thats the outside and inside you. This is who you are always going to be. You need to be able to become at peace with yourself.

I also think nothing is going to change until you really really want recovery. You are planning to go back to disordered eating. Recovery isn't just something we choose once. We have to keep choosing it again and again and again. Even on the worst of days so that we don't fall back into the bad habits and disordered ways and until you get to that point, you will take steps back and fourth. And while that's okay because you need to do what you can and when you are ready, it's only then that things will change. You have to want recovery so bad that you don't give up but that you keep choosing to recovery.

I know it's hard now but it doesn't have to be this way forever. You're worth so much and you deserve to love yourself.

Hope and wishes,

Jessue


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