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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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Exclamation I hate myself - July 15th 2017, 02:48 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of eating disorders, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

So I don't actually have an eating disorder because I'm not underweight but I thought this might be triggering for those of you who do have one.

I'm just so frustrated right now...I mean, okay, I tried to make myself vomit and I do it all the time but it never works, I haven't thrown up in 5+ years so...I just hate my body so much and I know I'm not technically overweight but I feel like deep down I am fat, no matter what any doctors or charts say. Sometimes I eat a lot of junk food like today I ate a pizza (like a whole one) and chocolate and ice cream but I said it'd be okay because I wouldn't eat dinner but my mom made me eat it. So then I thought I'd just make myself puke which didn't work. It's okay because tomorrow I'll starve myself. I do that sometimes, especially if I've been eating a lot, I try to drink lots of water to fill my stomach but I'm not sue if that even does anything. I don't eat until I get these sharp pains up near my ribs and it feels like my body will reject all food because then it feels like I've actually done something. The problem is, when I do this my mom gets all upset and says I'm anorexic which I'm not because I'm fat not underweight and then kids at school question me about where my lunch is (I throw it in the garbage to resist temptation).

I do like the pain too...because I feel like I don't deserve to eat and I'm not allowed to cut anymore, my mom and therapist said so because it causes scarring and infections...but I don't want to be fat either. Everyone says I'm skinny but I know I'm definitely not. The BMI calculator said I'm in the normal range but a little towards overweight, I want it to be on the lower end of normal or below normal. And people at school have called me fat or chubby so obviously I'm not the only one who thinks so. I know that this probably isn't healthy but I don't know what to do. I know I can exercise but I never lose weight that way, even if I do it consistently so I feel like there's no other way...

Last edited by Hypothesis.; July 15th 2017 at 11:58 PM. Reason: You well get better advice in the Eating Disorders forum so I have moved it. :)
   
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Re: I hate myself - July 20th 2017, 10:42 AM

hello! I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. I just first want to clarify something -- you do not need to be underweight to have an eating disorder. Being underweight is only ONE of the possible symptoms of an eating disorder. It is not the only symptom. (for context, I've struggled with my eating disorder on and off for four years, and I never became seriously underweight.) You can be anorexic (or have another eating disorder, for that matter) and be overweight. The two are NOT mutually exclusive.

I can only speak from my own experience, and not from any medical experience, but I will say that you do seem to be exhibiting a lot of the other symptoms of an eating disorder.

it's okay if you have a low body image, and it's okay to struggle with that, but there comes a point where there can be serious medical consequences of how you are eating (you can face these consequences without being underweight!), and I think you should try asking and looking for help from the people around you.

talking to your friends and family about the way you eat is incredibly difficult, I know, but the National Eating Disorder Association is a good online resource that might give you a good idea of where to start.

please, please try to take care of yourself! I understand that taking care of yourself properly is really hard, but I want you to stay as safe as possible.
   
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