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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
~Radio Flyer~ Offline
Please call that story back.

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Name: Violet
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I don't know what's going on - August 25th 2017, 04:30 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

It is hard to write this. I mustve reqrote it and deleted it a handful of times before posting this.

I struggled with eating since I was very young. I wasn't diagnosed with an eating disorder. I usually do not tell professionals about my disordered eating. It is usually the cutting that gets the spotlight. Which really bothers me but I will save that for another time. I did briefly mention it to my current therapist thoigh.
My therapist said I couldn't be overeating that much because I'm not overweight. That same week, my father decided he will be controlling my food intake from now on because I'm too indulgent (he has done things like this my whole life and other stuff) So he decided I can only have the amount of hummus he put in my plate and that's more than enough
It turns out I was still hungry and he said I couldn't have more. Like he won't let me.
My sisters got to eat however much they wanted. But with me, he put me on this diet thing.

I texted my therapist and said "I really think I'm overeating. I'm not exaggerating"

And then in session I told her how I really felt like I was eating way too much

Then on one incident my father randomly calls me chubby
And then most recently he called me a penguin

My therapist thinks I might have body dysmotphia because I think I'm fat. I feel like I'm fat! My dad thinks I'm very fat. He always points out when someone is overweight in photos, videos or even on the street. I hate that judgemental talk. I don't want to be a part of that. But I still judge myself pretty harsh and can't seem to shake off the feeling.

I also think if it isn't overeating, I at the very least i have these epidodes where i eat compulsively, rapidly, and dissociatively. And in secret....as secret as it can get because we are all cramped. Maybe the amount of food isn't the size of a binge but it seems like overeating to me...I lose control and it is like I try to escape and thoughts run through my head or sometimes I blank and I always feel bad after and tell myself I'm gonna start restricting or go on long walks like a bunch of miles in effort to burn calories. But sometimes I'm too depressed to act on these thoughts. Like if I can't get out of bed, I end up not doing any amount of exercising.

The thing is, I used to be much better at prolonging food intake when i went into my starving/restrictions like about age 11 or so when I started doing it actively

nowadays it is as though I am chronically hungry. I feel hungry and tired most of the time and it is hard to restrict or starve. And I try to but then I can't anymore and go into overeating mode. Simoultaneously I have my family members hiding food from me by having everyone else know where it is but me. And I have them putting fruits in the freezer because they like to freeze fresh fruit but I asked them to keep a little food down in the fridge and they don't or sometimes they do but then eat from the fridge fruits and the freezer fruits. And there's also my dad shaming me for being hungry and denying me food or limiting it and then when food IS offered to me, I pretty much tell them I don't want ito but I really do so after they leave I sneak into the fridge and get the plate if theyve actually saved it for me and while I eat that I take more food out and eat a lot.

another thing I do is purposely eat food that I'm intolerant to or I know is unhealthy because it goes along with loss of control and feeling powerless

On the other hand I'm trying to improve my situation so don't get me erong, I AM working on getting out of here slowly but surely but it is hard to keep sight of hope day to day. It is like no amount of food satisfies my hunger.

My father was the kind of person to both reward and punish through food but then tell us he would never do that. There were times including not too long ago that he didn't bring any food home for days. And depending who he was on good terms with at the different times, he would take that person out to eat and leave the rest of us without food.

Then there was my grandmother who for some reason had something against me that she singled me out and picked on me, many times involving mind games with food. (Pressuring me to eat till i obeyed her orders and then shaming me for eating. The mixed messages drove me crszy. I remember one instance I was around 8.)
I feel like part of me is ashamed that I'm 23 and still haven't figured out many things. Another part of me feels helpless and alone because I am bound to repeat what was familiar to me in childhood even though i know it is unhealthy, it is like a muscle memory to repeat how things were in childhood

I don't know what I'm really asking.
I feel like I am trapped in here forever. And even if I move out. We'll I can barely think that far. But I'm an adult now. Maybe when I was a child I couldn't help but be a burden for needing food and water and clothes. But now I have to get these things myself and I'm finding it hard to get consistent income to do so.

How do i convince myself that I'm allowed to eat? That I'm allowed to take up space? That I don't have to force myself into hiding or to be invisible or to disappear. That I'm not worthless? When my dad is still making remarks about me and my body? Between my skin picking disorder and my eating habits, and because I have a female body, he has made so many comments over the years ranging from judgemental to inappropriate to downright sexual harassment!

That's all I have to say for now
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Re: I don't know what's going on - August 28th 2017, 09:59 AM

Thank you for writing. I always enjoy reading these well written heart felt stories.

Possibly understanding the two main parts of the brain, the rational logical thinking frontal cortex, and the emotional feeling midbrain, and how they work together, or against each other.

Kind of like a rider on a horse. Who's really in control? Is the rider in control? Or is the horse in control? When the horse is calm the horse obeys the rider. But if the horse gets emotional, spooked, scared, frightened, the horse can run away, carrying the poor rider along, and the poor rider may not be happy about not being in control.

Same thing can happen with us, where we rationally understand things, but our emotions are telling us a different story, and it's a struggle the whole way.

Key is to try and reach the emotional midbrain, and ultimately change it. There are some mind exercises which can help achieve that. Yoga, Tai-Chi, Qi-Gong, Meditation, Mindfulness, anything where one practices focusing the mind on something, the present moment, or slowly moving one's body.

Slowly moving one's body, as in Qi-Gong, may help remap the body into the brain. The brain has a map of the body in it, and if that map of the body gets out of whack, and no longer truly represents the physical body, then problems ensue. The midbrain believes the mind's map of the body is real, and goes by that. If the midbrain thinks the body is too thin and starving, it will compel the person to eat. If the midbrain thinks the body is too fat, it will compel the person to not eat. The person may starve to death, or overeat to death, and all along the midbrain thinks it's saving the body's life.

There's a youtube video where the doctor explains this. He briefly mentions binge eating as an addictive coping response. The key according to him is to mitigate stress, as stress makes the midbrain think it needs to take action to save the body's life, so it literally shuts down the frontal cortex and takes control, and compels the person to eat, or not eat, or use drugs, or whatever it takes to get that chemical response it's wired to crave, which it thinks is saving it's life, but in reality may be doing the opposite.

Here's the link:

It's about addiction, but the info on the brain is the same even if you don't have an addiction problem. (Congratulations if you've managed to avoid that. You're doing better than half of the population who have these problems. About half also develop addiction problems, as they try to self medicate their problems away, which doesn't work. Then they need to learn all the yoga, meditation, and mind techniques that help, plus going to support groups also helps trick the brain into thinking it's with it's tribe, so everything must be OK, so it relaxes a bit, and that helps.)

Well that's all I know.

Dad might benefit from learning this stuff too, as being straightforward controlling usually accomplishes the opposite of what they want, in that they often end up stressing the person further, which is always bad, as stress is what triggers the midbrain into taking over and shutting down the frontal lobe. It's what they teach us at Nar-Anon and similar support groups, that trying to control the one you love who has a problem doesn't work, and only makes us frustrated, and the solution is to take a more "take care of ourselves" approach, and love the other person, and allow them to talk without being controlling, as that allows them to talk without fear, and helps them fix their own problems.

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