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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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Noire Offline
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Not "bad" enough? - June 27th 2018, 02:50 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of eating disorders, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

For the last couple of weeks I've been engaging in ED behaviors, namely restricting and purging. I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, it feels good to engage. It's comfortable, and comforting. On the other, it has a negative impact too. I feel like I'm keeping secrets, which is bad, and I think I want help, but I want to lose more weight before I go ahead and ask for it. I also know on some level that it's not good for my health. So all these things are weighing on me and it's confusing and I'm a bit of a mess on the inside.

Yesterday a girl I went to ED treatment with posted a link to an article about eating disorders not being something you just "try out" or a "fad diet." I of course agree with this, but she also posted details about what she was like when she first entered recovery, physically and emotionally. It made me think my ED isn't "bad" enough. For one, I'm not thin at all, so most people don't even know I have an eating disorder. But health effects-wise, I don't experience most of those either, because I'm not deathly thin, and because I've never purged regularly enough to experience any of those ill health effects.

I guess maybe I feel like I'm "playing" that I have an ED because I don't look the type or get medically malnourished (although I have gotten dehydrated and had to go to the hospital for it before). I mean deep down I *know* that's not true because this is something I've struggled with for years, but I still feel that way.

Am I making this up? Does anyone else feel this way? How do you cope with these feelings? Please let me know. Thank you.


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Re: Not "bad" enough? - June 27th 2018, 05:17 AM

The psychological affects of an eating disorder can be just as debilitating as the physical ones; the physical symptoms are often a product of the mental symptoms.

I used to struggle with this a lot too; I used to think that since I hadn't really lost control, I wasn't starving or malnourished, I was overweight etc. that it wasn't "bad" enough to deserve recognition.

Fact of the matter is that that's simply not true. For starters, lots of people with EDs aren't malnourished or underweight. Next, just because someone might have it "worse" according to whatever standards we're categorizing it, doesn't mean we're not having a hard time on our own and it doesn't serve us to minimize our suffering just because we're not yet at that very terrible place. The mental aspects that often help drive an ED can be debilitating, all consuming, exhausting, depressing, and anxiety inducing, the reasons that you're doing it (e.g. because it gives you a sense of control) aren't addressing the underlying issues and that is soooo complicated.

You can acknowledge the suffering or struggles you are enduring, it's ok. Yes, your friend had this epxerience and to your perception, maybe it was worse, but that doesn't mean your problems should be minimized or treated as inconsequential.

I am sorry you're ED is rearing it's head and should you need someone to talk to, please reach out.
   
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