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Exclamation Everything... itís never been worse - September 28th 2018, 09:03 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I had an anxiety attack earlier. And I got an email from my dietician because sheís worried about a comment I made about suicide. And my eating disorder has gotten so bad. I have to go to a treatment center. Well, I should go but my dad might try to hold me back from going. Iíve never restricted more than I have been. Iím so anxious, irritable, depressed, numb, horrified. Something happened to cause this season of absolute wrath but I donít know what it is. I donít know why I feel this way but I canít calm down.

I have heard that a warning sign of suicide is feeling happy for no reason after days of depression; mostly because the person has already decided that it will ďbe over soonĒ. I havenít chosen that but earlier after the anxiety attack, I felt so happy and social which I never do. I never talk to people because I choose to isolate. My emotions are all over the place and I canít relax. Something is seriously wrong.

I am shaking so bad as I write this and I donít know what to do. Iím freakin terrified of life.
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Re: Everything... itís never been worse - October 24th 2018, 04:58 PM

Hey there,

I am sorry for the late reply! Since it's been a few weeks since you've wrote this, I am wondering how you are holding up recently? Are you looking into treatment centers?

Sometimes those of us with mental health issues can have short term intense emotional breakdown episodes and then the person starts to feel more hopeful and uplifted after their mood shifts. Other times it is more persistent. Sometimes it is helpful to track mood patterns to figure out where you are with your mood changes etc. A lot of the time, even if most of our days are perceived as bad days, we still have bad days and horrible days or bad days but still in an ok mood and bad days and bad mood. This is something I am still learning about myself; how to describe my moods and emotional states. That way your health team can have a better understanding of you and if you can develop that language with yourself, it can be easier to get the help you need as you will improve in articulating what it is you're feeling.

I think it's a great start that you can acknowledge the happy mood even with being suicidal. Perhaps that's something to bring up, if you haven't already. I might have told you about this before but i am not sure if I have or not. Have you heard of a WRAP plan? In the WRAP plan there is one section on "warning signs". Even if you don't end up filling out the whole thing, it might still be good to write a list of sorts of "warning signs" that you are slipping into a relapse. You can also write what people who are on your support team (family, friends, professionals, others) should know about your triggers, what helps, what does not help. I know for me, if I am very upset, I don't want people to throw a list of suggestions at me if I am still in an intense state of emotions. I don't want people to tell me "why don't you go watch a funny video?" or "exercise increases endorphins" or even advice like "you should..."
When I am in that state of intense high emotions, these suggestions and advice are not only meaningless but also triggering (the exception is if someone is willing to talk to me if I need that more and then checks in with me if they can walk me through an exercise or activity) So that would be my personal example.

I would love to hear from you about how you have been doing these days. Let us know if you want to.
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Re: Everything... itís never been worse - October 26th 2018, 04:56 AM

Hi Violet. Thanks for the reply. Right now is an interesting time for me. My therapist thinks I'm having a manic episode (related to bipolar disorder). So I've had way too much energy and haven't slept well because I'm too busy doing amazing things with my life. But tonight it manifested in irritability. I snapped at everyone and I feel like I could do anything. I feel like I could something really stupid right now. I'm just mad at the world and won't let anyone stop me from doing what I want to do. I mean, that is unrelated to food restriction. I have stopped trying to restrict food although according to my dietician, I am still not eating enough for my body. So my dad got mad at me because of not eating enough. I am in a lot of trouble with my dad because he just doesn't understand and he is not willing to understand. He thinks I just need to toughen up and get over it. I am weak apparently.

Tonight my school counselor wanted to talk to my parents and I (at conferences) about setting up a meeting with my whole treatment team about setting up accountability at school. I started losing my mind when my dad was questioning everything and getting defensive. I panicked and fell to my knees and could barely control my impulses to do something to hurt someone or myself.

So that is what's happening in my life right now. I don't think I'll be going to a treatment center though just because it's not entirely necessary and it's really expensive even with insurance.
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