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Exclamation Stubborn attitude and accountability - November 7th 2018, 08:24 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of eating disorders, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I havenít gone to a treatment center (yet??). We were working on an accountability system so that people are always there for every meal. I sent an email yesterday to my treatment team and apparently it made them really concerned. I didnít mean to mention suicide. It was simply explaining what happens when I feel invincible and do risky behavior or have urges. I had a mental breakdown when my parents had to go to the school and make sure I was okay.

Normally Iím a very passionate person but for some reason I just have been very stubborn and mad at the world. Iím tired of people always telling me to eat and I just donít want to. I just donít really care. I donít reallt care about anything. Sorry for a long rant. Iím just angry.
   
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Re: Stubborn attitude and accountability - November 9th 2018, 06:31 PM

I'm so sorry to hear you are having a difficult time right now.

Do you think you could continue to utilize the support given by your treatment team? Don't be angry with them for trying to look out for you; I can see where they are coming from. At the same time, I can understand why it is upsetting for you. You just don't care anymore and want to give up, and when you do slip up people tell you how disappointed in you they are; and that only serves to make you feel worse.

Is there someone you can speak to at your school, such as a counselor or a teacher or a trusted adult? Your parents seem to be aware of the problems you are having, do you think speaking to them would be an option for you?

You shouldn't have to go through this alone.
   
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Re: Stubborn attitude and accountability - November 9th 2018, 09:39 PM

Hey,

I am so sorry you are still struggling with this. I know how hard it is, but I also know getting better is worth it, and you are worth it.

Do you know if you are going to be able to go to a treatment center? Is it still on the table? I understand what you are saying about not meaning to mention suicide that it just came up, that happened to me all the time. Maybe you can email them, or call them and try and explain what you were saying. With that said if you are suicidal then they do need to know that and have a right to be concerned about you. It's okay that your parents had to come to the school a make sure you are okay, I know it's embarrassing but you aren't the first person this happened to and you won't be the last. I was 25 and in college and my grandma had to come get me because the school councilor wouldn't let me drive home, and I didn't like it but now I am grateful for it.

The moods you are describing are very common with people who have an eating disorder. When I wasn't eating my moods were 10x worse then when I was eating. I understand where you are coming from when you say you are so tired of people telling you to eat when you don't want to. But try and remember they love you and hate seeing you do this to yourself.

Not caring about anything anymore is really understandable. This disorder takes a lot out of you. And it makes you want to give up. I do want to say that if you aren't ready to get better than everything that is put in place to help you get better will not work, you have to be 100% ready before it works. It's the same thing for a treatment center. If you aren't 100% ready it probably won't work.

I hope this helps even just a little bit.
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Re: Stubborn attitude and accountability - November 10th 2018, 03:53 PM

Thanks Frankie. The biggest problem is that my brain is just so malnourished that I don’t care. When im able to be re fed, things will even out a little and I’ll find motivation again. My dietician and therapist both say that if I can’t stick to my meal plan in a couple of weeks, we might have to revisit the idea of a treatment center. I just don’t care what happens anymore. They can do whatever they want with me. But if they don’t do anything about it, I will keep restricting. I’m just worried that if I lie about my food intake (which I desperately want to do) then my weight will drop and I won’t be able to cover that up for long. I have to be weighed every week and eventually they will catch on to continuous weight loss if I don’t be careful. I want to lose weight but they just shouldn’t know about it. But they want me to eat more and I’m not supposed to lose weight. I feel like right now it is a battle against me and them. It’s like I’m not even on their side.
   
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