No food, thanks.

Renna · 04:38 PM

I never had any body issues growing up, but as I grew older, and especially after I became a teenager, my parents have been on my back constantly about that I have to train and not eat unhealthy and all that. They also keep saying that I have to train all the time - even with the fact that normally I train at least 3 times a week...

Now, in itself that might not seem so bad, but when you hear it several times a day, often accompanied by little comments that in one way or another point towards that you're too fat - well, it's started getting to me, shall we say. It started getting to me a year ago.

And heck, I'm not even specially 'large'. I'm a 17 year old girl who's an h&m size XXX, just for measures, and about 5"7, but most of the time I feel huge.

Lately it's gotten worse than usual though, cause normally I'd just put it aside and tell myself that "hey, you look fine." but I can't do it any more. Just about a week and a half ago I tried throwing up, but as that took a hellish amount of time I figured I'd rather just stop eating.
I went with a really minimal amount of food for 5 days or so, just enough to get by and with the urge to throw up when I ate (I didn't, though) and then I regained enough self-control to eat at least a decent amount, but it's like... every time I eat something I feel guilty and want to just go to the bathroom and undo it, so to speak, and it's getting harder and harder to keep eating. I just want to stop, and I don't have the self-control to make myself keep eating if this keeps up.

What should I do?
I don't want to go get myself into something that I know I wont be able to get myself out of without help, but I don't think I have the self-control it'd take me not to.

Help?

Jen · **Re: No food, thanks. -** June 14th 2009, 05:04 PM

Renna,

First of all, welcome to TH!

Second of all, I'm glad that you posted and are reaching out. It takes a lot of courage to post about something that you think isn't quite right.

It is understandable that all of the comments are starting to get to you. Nobody likes being put down or hearing comments such as the ones that you've been getting. Have you ever told your parents how much it's bothering you to keep hearing that you need to train and eat healthily? Sometimes, parents just don't know the extent to which they are actually upsetting their child. It might be helpful to talk to them and let them know that what they are saying is really starting to affect you.

It's also important that you talk to your parents (or another trusted adult) because eating disorders are very complicated and can get bad pretty quickly, like I think you've seen. After only a few days of using behaviors, you're feeling a bit addicted. so imagine what could happen if this keeps up for a month, or six months, or a year? It IS possible to learn to have a positive relationship with food, and to like your body. I promise you that. Think about reaching out to someone, AND think about talking to your parents. You could even write them a letter if talking seems too scary.

Try to take good care of yourself, okay? You deserve it. Don't hesitate to PM me if you want to talk more. <3

Renna · **Re: No food, thanks. -** June 14th 2009, 06:46 PM

See, thing is, I've already talked to them about it. Talked, and also screamed, cried and pleaded to them about it. They just won't listen.
I've given up on them by now - heck, I was literally on the verge of leaving the house and never going back home round the middle of february, but things did get a little better for a while. Seems they're falling back now though.
I don't think they're purposefully trying to upset me, but they do it on a daily basis none the less - heck, with my moodswings on top of it I cry at least once a week because of either the preassure of being what they want me to be or things that they say.

I used to think I was too strong to become like this, but the last half-a-year has just been full of extreme ups and downs, and the downs are so bad that they almost caused me two of my best friends, even. It's like everything is hopeless. I'm having a better period now, so I'm making myself eat and all that, but I'm worried about next time.
And I don't have any adults I could talk to here. I don't trust any of the ones in my family, and the only adult I would trust to talk about it with... I can't for many reasons.

God... I'm sorry, this is just piling up...
I'll stop now, or this would just go on forever.

Thanks, though. It's nice that someone bothers hearing it all. <3