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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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sashax0 Offline
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i feel like such a failure - July 16th 2009, 03:52 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of eating disorders, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I want to lose weight. i NEED to lose weight. i have no willpower whatsoever so i just end up eating and making myself sick. i hate it. not eating makes me happy. some days i binge and dont purge, then i just hate myself so much. i was standing in from of the mirror and held my legs apart so they wouldnt touch. if i could just make them like that somehow i would be so much happier. its so dumb but this is my life now. i need the willpower to not eat. i just dont understand body image. what im seeing just cant be wrong. i dont want to see a therapist until i lose weight. i know im rambling and have probably mentioned this before but im just trying to get everything out at once and this is how it comes out. i need this to work. im about to cry just typing this. idontknowwhattodo

Last edited by sashax0; July 16th 2009 at 03:56 AM. Reason: Multiple posts have been merged automatically.
   
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Re: i feel like such a failure - July 16th 2009, 09:11 AM

i understand what you mean almost. you are lucky like me, because it sounds like you can't make yourself stop eating, but you are also stupid like me, because you can't lose weight that fast. you need to see a therapist now or just tell anyone BEFORE you ruin yourself. i honestly think food is disgusting. but we need to eat to be healthy. not eating may make you skinny, but it's not an attractive kind of skinny. and you'll end up dying while trying to make yourself skinnier. i suggest that you tell someone how you feel and get help if your feelings about food and eating and getting skinny get worse. i figure i don't need it, because i'm kind of healing myself. i've started to see a nutritionist and it definitely helps. getting a healthier life style helps. don't hurt yourself and make it worse. you will feel better when you start eating better and treating your body correctly.


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Re: i feel like such a failure - July 17th 2009, 06:07 AM

well i hate throwing up so im trying sooo hard to not eat. my boyfriend is the one i really talk to. i told one of my other close guy friends and i saw him and he said " i cant belive you puke that ridiculous" AND" this is just a stage" goosh i freaked out. ive seen a nutrionist, it didnt help me at all. my dad says i have until monday before he takes me to a doctor. but i really dont want to. before i was so into getting help. now i dont want it at all
   
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Re: i feel like such a failure - July 18th 2009, 12:23 AM

Hi Sasha,

Take a few deep breaths. Sometimes slowing down your breathing and body can slow down the racing thoughts. I'm glad that you vented and posted. Letting out your feelings is so healthy. It sounds like things are really hard right now. You have a lot of confusion, a lot of frustration, and a lot of fear. I'll try to give you some input, okay?

Body image is definitely confusing. Basically, it can be like being in a funhouse mirror--you know, the ones that make you look like your face is long and twisted and everything. Your brain is viewing your body through distorted eyes like that. It IS possible for your brain to rewire itself and get back on track with the correct vision. It will happen. In the meantime, allow the others to be your eyes. Allow your dad and other people who care about you, to see the real you, until you can see the real you for yourself.

Eating disorders are never about the weight, Sasha. That might seem like a ridiculous statement, but it's true. Eating disorders aren't about food or weight. They are a cover-up for other things. Often they are actually about control. About fear, about anxiety, about other hard emotions and feelings. Sometimes we turn to food as a coping mechanism for other things going on in our life. Or if we feel insecure or anxious about a part of our life or our personality, we turn to food because we know we can control it. Seeing a doctor and a proper therapist, one who is trained in treating eating disorders, will help you figure out what are your underlying issues. Once you know the underlying issues, you can begin working through them.

It's okay to not be ready for help, Sasha. Most people with eating disorders don't want help initially, because they are afraid and feeling all sorts of other emotions, like I talked about above. You are really lucky to have a dad who cares about you enough to want you to see a doctor. Remember that he's not doing that to punish you or upset you, he's doing it because you're his daughter and he cares about you. Recovery IS possible. It is possible to live without obsessing about food, without spending energy figuring out how to use behaviors, without hating your body each time you look in the mirror. I promise you that it's possible.

Keep reaching out and take good care of yourself, okay? Let me know if you want to talk more about anything.
<3




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“if nothing changed, there’d be no butterflies”

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Re: i feel like such a failure - July 19th 2009, 02:36 AM

what if i dont have any underlying problems, just the fact im tired of looking the way i look? =/
   
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Re: i feel like such a failure - July 19th 2009, 07:35 AM

Hey there, Sasha.

If you honestly don't have any underlying problems (which only a professional could help you to determine, for sure) then why not try to lose weight in a healthy manner? Healthy diet and exercise really DO work.

You seem to be pretty anti-therapy, but I really do think it would be a good thing for you to try. You may also want to visit your primary care doctor to talk about your weight and to find out if you actually need to lose weight. If you do need to, your doctor can talk to you about an exercise program that is safe and healthy for you, as well as how much you should be eating (and of what) each day.

From your first post, honestly, it does sound like your relationship with food and your body image is unhealthy. Restricting, binging, and purging are not "normal" things to do, you know? These are unhealthy and unsafe behaviors that you should not have to live with.. you do not have to live with. You deserve better, Sasha.

Take care and let me know if you need anything. I'm just a quick PM away.



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