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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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Failed - January 19th 2009, 10:16 AM

So i screwed up. Just proved what everyone else thinks. I'm a failure. Cant do anything right.

So i've been really happy recently, managing to eat correctly and everything. But today, i've got really stressed and upset. And so i binged. 36 chocolate bars. In one go. Then my rational kicked in. I left the last 4 in the box. But i couldnt just leave it like that. Think of all the fat, the sugar, the weight gain. So i ran to the bathroom. Purged like crazy.

But it was different to usual. Usually I purge without thinking, still irrational, then I feel guilty.

But today, it was a rational action. And it felt like such a relief.

And now i'm scared. I feel like such a failure


   
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Re: Failed - January 19th 2009, 12:59 PM

Hello Maia!
I think you are so brave and strong, for coming this far. It doesn't matter that you made one tiny error; a little slip-up. This is bound to happen as you are recovering, and the road to recovery is never smooth nor easy; but the main thing is you realised what you've done and you notice it is not good.
Who do you talk to on a regular basis about your ED issues? Is there someone? I hope you have that someone who you can tell almost anything; as it definitely helps - bottling things up and allowing yourself to be consumed with negativeness, never does anyone any ounce of good.

Please remember that you are NOT a failure, but a human being - and all human beings make mistakes; but we learn from them, not dwell on them.

Take care okay! good luck recovering. x


& it's just like she's in another world.
[<3]


   
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Re: Failed - January 19th 2009, 01:01 PM

I've never told anyone in real life. My old councillor knew a tiny bit...one of my friends knew a little. But i can never tell anyone the whole sordid detail. I feel too dirty, too ashamed. And not all of me wants to stop. My rational mind does. But when i look in the mirror, i'm sickened by what i see. Dont want to stop. Everything spirals out of control.


   
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Re: Failed - January 19th 2009, 01:53 PM

I understand how hard it must be for you to confide in someone, really and truly i do. I know the feeling of struggling to choose your head over what your heart says. Surely you know that you won't be able to keep this up much longer, without someone realising there is a problem! And it's better to tell someone before they guess right?
I'm sure there are many ways in which you could find a suitable person to talk to, how about college(assuming you go), is there anyone there that specifies in helping the students with any problems? Doctor? Friend? Family member?

Try and talk to one of them, it doesn't have to be every little detail of course, but let them know you have a problem and that you need their support.

See, that's the thing with EDS; it starts out as something you control - but eventually it controls you. You need to stop it in it's tracks in order to move on with life. You are doing so well, don't let one little slip-up deter you from recovering for good! I know you can do this, just have the extra willpower and seek help from someone and i guarantee you it'll be a lot easier than doing this alone.
x


& it's just like she's in another world.
[<3]


   
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Re: Failed - January 19th 2009, 02:07 PM

Hey Maia!
Dont say you've failed! Im in exactly the same situation as you- ive been doing really well for the past couple of months, and then I have my January exams, and I stressed out and binged...and purged. Last week, it was.

But all is not lost! I know it feels like youre back to square one, but its okay! just think, you managed it before, you can get back on your feet again. so you slipped up, it does NOT meet youve failed. we use our ED as a coping mechanism, and when we're recovering, its very likely that it will be harder the more stressed we are.
but dont give up. if you get back onto the road of recovery, the next time you feel like youre getting stressed, STOP, breathe, and PLAN out how youre going to get through the stress. even right a check list so you can tick off each stage. if youre prepared, it will be less likely that youll slip into automatic mode and binge/purge to relieve the stress.

i know its easier said than done (i need to take my own advice!), but lets at least try it again?
   
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Re: Failed - January 22nd 2009, 09:39 AM

It's like my whole perception has shot back down. I struggle to get out the house, because i'm afraid i look fat. All my clothes look stupid on me, because i seem to big for them. I know its stupid. But i cant help it. So then i've started dieting again. Only had fruit since sunday. And yet i'm still purging. And i know its not good. I'm dizzy and moody, and breaking out. But i cant stop. I tried to tell someone in year 9 in college, but she told a different teacher, who i didnt get on with, and so i denied it and it went back to the begining.


   
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Re: Failed - January 22nd 2009, 10:09 AM

You didn't faill, sweetie. It's just a slip-up, it's not the end of recovery. You can pick yourself back up, i have faith in you. If you ever need to talk, please feel free to PM me.


You are beautiful just the way you are.
Looking like a fallen star.
Don't listen to what people say.
They don't know the real you, anyways.
   
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