Triggering (ED): recovered anorexic, gained so much weight, regretting it - HELP!

[rose_intense]

I'm a former anorexic and I'm beginning to acknowledge how much of a mistake recovery might have been, at least to a certain extent. i'm feeling very anorexia-nostaligic and longing to at least lose a little weight.

I hadn't weighed myself in absolutely ages, then this morning, I found the scales again and weighed myself. I totally freaked out. The amount is seriously unfathomable. You might think I'm exaggerating, but seriously, to place it in perspective, the amount of weight I've gained since being anorexic is MORE than my lowest anorexic weight. As in I'm now more than double my anorexic weight. I'm FREAKING OUT here!!!!

I've already constructed elaborate weight loss schemes, decided on goal weights and so on. I despise how much recovery has corrupted my whole being. I'm basically a fat slob now, even though, when I was anorexic, I was SO motivated and just a better person really.

Advice, please? What on earth should I do?

[LoveMeNot]

Personal I say, you are fine the way you are. You are healthy, and perfect. Find things to distract you from the one thought that causes you to feel this way. You are still motivated, if you weren't you wouldn't have reached out here for help right.
Just push the scale away and tell yourself you're not going to let the stupid thing consume your life again that you are a better person no matter what.
Try to counteract your schemes, do things like instead of scheming to go for a 4 hour jog pick up a big book that you haven't read yet and sit there and read it. Then maybe for a short 5-20 minute walk. That way you are still being active but you're also relaxing yourself.

Do you see what I mean?

[rose_intense]

Thanks for your advice and reassurance. The sheer extent of weight gain is unnerving me though.

Actually, I’m definitely not ‘motivated’ in the sense of how I was previously. Nowadays, I feel kind of like a complete slob. I never thought I would ever allow this to happen, but today I spent the entire day doing absolutely nothing, just being unproductive and idle. I’m flabbergasted. When I was anorexic, I’m not claiming it was necessarily healthy, but I would NEVER even have DREAMT of such unproductivity. I was a complete workaholic and of course that isn’t ideal and was a bit excessive, but it at least implicated that I was doing something and achieving something and being successful rather than wasting time and being lazy. Obviously I don’t wish to return entirely back that way, but I’d prefer some balance. I’d like to reclaim those traits at least to a degree. I can’t stand being a slob like this.

Mhmm, I’m gonna distance myself from the scale for a while. I appreciate your advice about alternative schemes too. Yup, I see what you mean, and I’ll aspire to implement those notions in my life, thanks.

**Edit: PS that icon next to your signature/name is so sad! The one with all the derogatory terms, I mean. Aw. I'm sure it's not true. You definitely don't seem a worthless/hopeless or any of those other negative terms, lol.

[LoveMeNot]

It is a battle in itself to feel 'normal' , have you tried calling up your friends and going window shopping or hanging out doing something instead of sitting around? I mean a lot of alternatives, like skateboarding swimming. I don't know what to give as a suggestion but something that would make you feel good about yourself in a healthy way would be a good activity.
I'm glad you don't want to become a slob, being a slob sucks I speak from experience.


*Response to Ps: I found the image and I thought it depicted how I felt sometimes really good so I decided to use it. But I do indeed feel that way, not if people actually feel that way about me I don't know. But thank you. By the way sorry about this post, I think it was utter nonsense but I do helped it a little... even if I feel like I repeated a lot.

[rose_intense]

Thanks so much! Don’t feel concerned about having repeated yourself, because I don’t think you have and I’m finding it so nice to talk to someone! So thanks. I definitely want to engage myself better in life! When I was anorexic, I basically spent every working hour either studying, working, overexercising or obsessing about food, only catching up with friends occasionally, never relaxing and sleeping minimally. It made me feel sustained and fulfilled, but not in a very healthy way i don’t think. It’s kind of a shock to have abandoned that, but I think it’ll be worthwhile overall and it’s important to think positively. You’re right though, it’s important to find alternatives to fill the chasm – more life sustaining, fulfilling things hopefully! I’ve joined several sports since recovery (to do in a social/fun way, rather than compulsively) and my social life is definitely flourishing a lot more, which is a good reward and I should never forget that.

Haha yeah, being a slob is my worst nightmare...it seriously terrifies myself so much, because a lot of my anorexic tendencies were founded on complete aversion to unproductivity/slobbishness. So the prospect of turning full circle simply petrifies me.

No probs about the pic. Haha and I can basically assure you people definitely wouldn’t feel that way about you, but I understand how you’d feel that way sometimes anyway. Thanks again for your help.

[Fictional]

Try telling yourself that you look so much better now. If you're more than twice your anorexic weight, that proves just how underweight you used to be. If you don't want to spend all day feeing slobby, go shopping with friends or something. And revel in how much easier it is to find nice clothes that fit properly now that you've gained some weight. I also think not weighing yourself would be a good idea. I've not weighed myself for ages, and I feel so much better for it. If you want to exercise, do a healthy amount, or try getting involved in a team sport of some kind. You could have fun, get your exercise and maybe make some new friends. I hope this has helped, and I hope you start to feel better about yourself soon. I'm sure you're gorgeous.

[rose_intense]

Hi Fictional, aha, thanks, I've been trying reassuring myself with various affirmations (and feeling kinda corny, might I add.). Yes, I certainly was extremely underweight, and I'm still not remotely overweight, but it's nonetheless a little disconcerting just realising the sheer extent of how much I've changed! Yikes! I agree, it's certainly easier finding nicer clothes, when they actually fit; there are at least some rewards for gaining weight, granted. I am involved in several sports teams already and I exercise occasionally by walking/jogging, but it's still hard adjusting to moderation and reassuring myself that I'll be able to cope despite abandoning my excessively (unhealthily) driven ways. Thanks again for your advice and reassurance and I wish you the best too.

[Fictional]

When I was recovering, I made a little poster with a photo of me and the words "I am beautiful just the way I am" above it. I stuck it above my bed where I could see it every day; it really helped. It's great that you're going about excercising in a healthy way I should do, but I'm too lazy :P I hope things continue to pick up for you

[rose_intense]

Haha thanks!! I really like that idea, sounds great. I mean, obviously EDs extend much deeper than simply feeling unattractive or unbeautiful and that’s merely the periphery, but still, it’s a cute idea and I’m sure it would enhance my outlook a little. I’m glad it was effective for you too. Yup, I’m SO KEEN to resume the exercise – avoiding extremes, but you know, just any minor alteration to eradicate the dreaded slob mentality. I also want to somehow modify my diet a little, like stop bingeing and not restrict but just eat healthier...achieving moderation and balance would be brilliant. Hopefully that could improve my overall temperament, make me feel more grounded and thus have a flow on effect, making me reacquire my original quite zealous and dedicated approach (which sadly, seems to have been suppressed temporary, amidst all this recovery chaos, agh!) I’m so looking forward to feeling more like myself again!!! Thanks again and take care.

Anyone have any advice on feeling ‘grounded’ during the middle stages of recovery? You see, my experiences with anorexia were consistently characterised by quite intense focus and drive (regarding food, but this had a flow-on effect to other endeavours, such as academics and sporting commitments). Now, I’ve relinquished that drive (which is freaking me out!!!) and I SO desperately wish to become motivated again! Not in a preoccupied way, but just...I miss it. So any advice about how to adjust would be great, thanks.

[rose_intense]

Anyone else got anything to add?

I'd appreciate it, because I'm still despairing really.

And entertaining notions of returning.
Not completely...just partially, I guess?
Like a moderate and responsible amount
(prob. disordered thinking though)

Ehhh

[SuperBrunetteCutie4Ever]

I'm still in the very beginng stages of recovey from my eating disorder (I still starve myself a lot) but, what I've done is put little post its all over my bedroom that had little encouragements and I read them when I feel bad and they help me feel better. It might help you too. Here's my favourite 2 things in my collection, "A waist is a terrible thing to mind" and a promise to myself to not do what I was dong before( ex: lyng about eating, starving myself and putting myself down too much) as long as I can help it. Hope this helps and do you think you can give me some tips on how I can get to where you are? Thanks

[rose_intense]

Hey there superbrunette,
I’m so glad you’re beginning recovery, and I sincerely hope nothing I’ve said is off-putting, because overall, it’s so worthwhile, I promise. I love your idea of writing healthy reminders to yourself. As for how you can progress in recovery, do you have a treatment team (like a doctor, nutritionist, therapist, etc)? It really is so important to get professional help (the first step would be to tell a trusted adult like a parent) and once you have it, sometimes it can be hard following through, but ultimately, they have your best interests in mind so it’s important to trust them. When your brain is malnourished, it’s not functioning properly and so you might be a bit resistant to recovery at first… That’s why it’s vital to push through the discomfort of the initial stages and reach a place where your brain is less malnourished and can operate more clearly. I’m not sure whether you’ve seen a therapist, but it can be good exploring the emotional side too… since EDs are almost always about more than merely food and weight… they point to deeper issues. Do you have any idea as to what yours might be? (It’s fine if you don’t have any immediate answers, it’s not always straightforward, but it’s good to explore… e.g. an oversensitive or anxiety ridden personality, traumatic events, sudden changes, etc. Also, this may not apply to you, but sometimes we tend to use EDs to suppress emotions and avoid dealing with them. So, can you identify how you feel before, during and after restriction?

[Lil-x]

I know this isn't going to help you out, so sorry

But, i'm in exactly the same position as you, as in twice my previous anorexic weight, and i'm going crazy about it as well. So if you want to talk to anyone, i'll be here to chat

I think you're doing really well, I wish I could as well, but I feel myself going back to my previous ways.

xx

[SuperBrunetteCutie4Ever]

Originally Posted by rose_intense

Hey there superbrunette,
I’m so glad you’re beginning recovery, and I sincerely hope nothing I’ve said is off-putting, because overall, it’s so worthwhile, I promise. I love your idea of writing healthy reminders to yourself. As for how you can progress in recovery, do you have a treatment team (like a doctor, nutritionist, therapist, etc)? It really is so important to get professional help (the first step would be to tell a trusted adult like a parent) and once you have it, sometimes it can be hard following through, but ultimately, they have your best interests in mind so it’s important to trust them. When your brain is malnourished, it’s not functioning properly and so you might be a bit resistant to recovery at first… That’s why it’s vital to push through the discomfort of the initial stages and reach a place where your brain is less malnourished and can operate more clearly. I’m not sure whether you’ve seen a therapist, but it can be good exploring the emotional side too… since EDs are almost always about more than merely food and weight… they point to deeper issues. Do you have any idea as to what yours might be? (It’s fine if you don’t have any immediate answers, it’s not always straightforward, but it’s good to explore… e.g. an oversensitive or anxiety ridden personality, traumatic events, sudden changes, etc. Also, this may not apply to you, but sometimes we tend to use EDs to suppress emotions and avoid dealing with them. So, can you identify how you feel before, during and after restriction?

Right now, it's just me, myself and I. lol I tried to get somehelp from 2 doctors, and a school councilor but, they refused to help me because it was my problem and I just had to deal with it myself.
Well, I've had a really tramatic childhood and I've also got a problem with bottling everything up until I explode in a flood of crazy emotions which isn't often because yesterday I did that and it was for a whole year maybe more's worth of emotions. Also, I am sensitive to the paranormal and this past year I had some really dark stuff happen to me in that way and that is what I believe made me start starving myself and after that, I became addicted to it and it became a high for me to feel hungry and not eat.
PS I am still looking for an affordable way to get help but, I haven't been too good with finding results still but, I'm still keeping my hopes up.

[rose_intense]

Lil-x ~ Thanks so much for understanding! It’s a shame you’re in a similar situation, but it’s nice someone can relate. Yes, overall, I’m doing fine in terms of avoiding restriction (I’m facing a bingeing problem now actually!), but I have been feeling SO anorexia-nostalgic recently – like reading through journal entries, scrutinising photos from the past and just having a sense of longing, even though when I’m being realistic, I realise it was unhealthy and I shouldn’t slip back. How are you doing? Do you still have support around you, like a therapist? I really hope you’ll stay well! The past seems so alluring, but I do think I tend to romanticize/idealize it and view it through rose-tinted glasses. The extent of weight gain is really freaky though, I agree!! It’s probably best not to do anything drastic (because it’d ultimately be self-defeating if we get ill again and lose so much time/money/friends/health/future, before having to recover again anyway). I kind of still find it really tempting to lose a little weight, but if I did, it wouldn’t be much and I wanted to be very vigilant about not restricting. I really hope we can both avoid slipping into old patterns. Eh, I’m confused and feeling kind of defeated, but also a little energized and charged-up about it?

Superbrunette ~ If the doctors/counselor genuinely did refuse to help you, then that’s appalling and I’m so sorry you experienced that. Have you told a trusted adult about your ED – like a parent, relative, teacher, etc? Eating disorders are massive things to deal with, and you really need help, hon. Noone should expect you to manage such a burden on your own. Please don’t give up – are there other doctors you can see? It can be uncomfortable or daunting, but it’s really important to let them know that you ARE worried about your ED and it warrants attention. As part of their job, doctors have to ensure the wellbeing of all patients…it’s their moral, legal and professional duty… so most doctors should take you seriously and be willing to help you. I’m not sure where you live, but I understand the money aspect can be hard… does your country have a health care system or anything, like to subsidize consultations? From your descriptions, it sounds like a therapist would be really important and helpful to see…because yes, the issues you described sound very painful and it could be really beneficial to talk through them. All the best and be brave!

[SuperBrunetteCutie4Ever]

Originally Posted by rose_intense

Lil-x ~ Thanks so much for understanding! It’s a shame you’re in a similar situation, but it’s nice someone can relate. Yes, overall, I’m doing fine in terms of avoiding restriction (I’m facing a bingeing problem now actually!), but I have been feeling SO anorexia-nostalgic recently – like reading through journal entries, scrutinising photos from the past and just having a sense of longing, even though when I’m being realistic, I realise it was unhealthy and I shouldn’t slip back. How are you doing? Do you still have support around you, like a therapist? I really hope you’ll stay well! The past seems so alluring, but I do think I tend to romanticize/idealize it and view it through rose-tinted glasses. The extent of weight gain is really freaky though, I agree!! It’s probably best not to do anything drastic (because it’d ultimately be self-defeating if we get ill again and lose so much time/money/friends/health/future, before having to recover again anyway). I kind of still find it really tempting to lose a little weight, but if I did, it wouldn’t be much and I wanted to be very vigilant about not restricting. I really hope we can both avoid slipping into old patterns. Eh, I’m confused and feeling kind of defeated, but also a little energized and charged-up about it?

Superbrunette ~ If the doctors/counselor genuinely did refuse to help you, then that’s appalling and I’m so sorry you experienced that. Have you told a trusted adult about your ED – like a parent, relative, teacher, etc? Eating disorders are massive things to deal with, and you really need help, hon. Noone should expect you to manage such a burden on your own. Please don’t give up – are there other doctors you can see? It can be uncomfortable or daunting, but it’s really important to let them know that you ARE worried about your ED and it warrants attention. As part of their job, doctors have to ensure the wellbeing of all patients…it’s their moral, legal and professional duty… so most doctors should take you seriously and be willing to help you. I’m not sure where you live, but I understand the money aspect can be hard… does your country have a health care system or anything, like to subsidize consultations? From your descriptions, it sounds like a therapist would be really important and helpful to see…because yes, the issues you described sound very painful and it could be really beneficial to talk through them. All the best and be brave!

No but, I'll do it on Monday when I get to school. I guess I can go see if I can convince my mom to take me to the BC Children's hospital to get help with them. It does I just don't know how much because they recently made some cuts in healthcare for the Olympics since Canada's the host. Ok, I'll try to get a therapist to help me and thanks for the support it's really helpful.

[gone_wrong]

hey im in the same positon i completely understand i starte doing thigs i said i would never do again ! u a strong person to havb oversome what u already hav try and saty strong maybe just be healthy and keep urself busy u dont deserve to be suffereing anymore doont make this happen again just think about wat u hav acheved and wat other things u could now ur healthy i no im not really that helpful and this prob makes no sence but well i do understand how u feel pm if u want to chat xXx

[Beautiful_mind]

your body is properly getting back to a healtht weight. one thing that helped me when i was recovering was keeping a food diary, i also showed it every day to mum so she could also help me know if what i was getting was enough. try and eat all sorts of food. your body needs a little from each food group everyday the diary really helped me focus on what foods were good for my body . i am here if you need someone to talk to.