Triggering: I may have an ED?

[DomoKay]

Well, I really don't know how this all came about. I have been depressed and suicidal for a while, and I'm in therapy to help with that and also my anxiety. I have been managing that pretty well, but now I can't bring myself to eat anything.. Before, I might have gone a day without eating a meal if I was sad and didn't have an appetite.. But now I'm down to only eating a very small meal once day..

I've noticed myself becoming so obsessed with looking at every label to see how many calories there are. I've lost a few pounds already.. I feel like I'm being so dramatic and stupid, but I just can't help myself.. I told my therapist, but she didn't seem too concerned. Although I wasn't truly honest.. She said it was probably just because of my depression and that I have a low appetite.

I know it's not healthy at all, and I need to be eating more, but I just can't eat.. The small amount that I do eat, I feel so guilty about eating it.. It takes a lot of strength to get myself to eat it.. And then when I do eat, I feel so sick when and after I eat.

My friends at school are really concerned about me. I know the right thing to do would tell a doctor, my therapist, school counselor or something.. But I just don't have any strength or courage any more..

Any advice? Anything will be greatly appreciated.

[DomoKay]

I would love if someone could reply and give me some advice. Thanks

[Jen]

Hey there Kelsey,

I would agree with your friends, and with your own concerns, that you are having some definite eating issues. It's SO important that you be honest with your therapist. And I know how scary that can be. Partly because you might feel like you have no energy to start getting into yet another issue in therapy, and partly maybe because there's a part of you who doesn't want to get your eating back on track. But hold onto the part of you who DOES need help--because if you didn't want help at all, you would not have reached out here in this post, you know?

Sometimes it's easier to write a letter or a journal entry. Many people find it helpful to tell their therapists things by writing it down ahead of time and having the therapist read it. That way, it takes away the initial having to SAY it. So that might be one route to go. Or, if you really want (although I wouldn't advise this as my number one idea) you can have a friend tell your therapist or come to your therapy appointment with you. It's helpful to have support, any support. And right now, Kelsey, you need support and you need to get your eating back on track before it gets really bad.

I know that it might seem like it helps you feel better, that you simply "can't" eat, etc. But the reality is, is it's just going to make things worse. I have taken some neuropsychology classes and learned about different effects of drugs, or lack of drugs, on the brain. One big thing we talked about is the impact of food, or lack of food, on the brain. And it's actually a physical and chemical fact (that I now understand, which is pretty cool) that when the brain isn't getting enough food, calories, or nutrients, it stops releasing the hormones that calm us down, boost our mood, and give us hope. So not eating is actually going to make your depression much worse. Your body needs every bit of help it can get.

Reach out, Kelsey. That's the hardest step and then it will be done with. You can do this, I believe in you.
<3

[TrustingThePain]

Hi! I agree that you should, in whatever way possible, tell your therapist, do it like you yak of a band aid or jump in to a cool pool, all at once and as quickly as possible! Don't draw it out! You obviously want help, but teenhelp is not enough, you need real life people to help you put.

[xxCookiiexMonsterxx]

Agreeing with the other here, you should definately talk to your therapist about it.
They are the people who can actually help you deal with and move on from these issues.. I know it can be really hard to admit to things like that, but likes been said,
you obviously want the help, as you've posted.. Good Luck and everything, let us know how you get on..
x

[DomoKay]

Thanks for the advice guys. I know I need to tell my therapist, but I'm just so scared.. I don't know what's going to happen. I almost don't WANT to tell her, because then people will be aware of it, and probably will make me eat more. I've lost weight already, and I like it.. I want to lose more and more.. I can't handle this.

[Jen]

Kelsey,

Remember that wanting to lose weight is part of the eating disorder. So if you get rid of the eating disorder, the desire to lose weight will also disappear. Recovery is not about simply not using behaviors, but still wanting to lose weight. What recovery is, is not using behaviors BECAUSE you don't have a desire to lose weight anymore. Does that make sense? So it is worth it to reach out--because not only will you get the help you need to keep your body safe, but it will help start changing your thinking so that the urges go away, too. You can tell your therapist about your concerns, too. And nothing has to happen immediately. But as soon as you tell her, the hardest part is over.

You can do this, I believe in you.
<3

[DomoKay]

Yeah, that does make sense. I just don't know what to say to my therapist.. I may write a letter to her, so I can really tell her what she needs to know. Do you have any ideas? Also, my next session I was going to have a 'family meeting' and my parents were going to come in with me and my therapist is going to talk about how I'm doing.. I really don't want to tell her that day, because then my parents will have to go in and it will be a big mess. Do you think it would be better if I just waited?

[DomoKay]

Well, I'm going to my therapist tomorrow.. Anyone have any last minute advice as to what I should say? I'm so nervous..

[kaytastrophie_xo]

Hey there Kelsey,

It's understandable that you are nervous. Admitting to anyone about an eating problem or any other problem is very difficult, but you've really got to look around that part and see the good that will come out of this. You realise there is a problem here and you realise you need help, that is a very big step! Now all you've got to do is go that extra distance and reach out. If you don't feel comfortable discussing it with your parents there wait until next session or ask to talk to your therapist alone after the meeting. Do whatever makes you feel comfortable. And once you get that out of the way you can begin the process to recovering. I know what it's like to feel the satisfaction from not eating; I know how you feel good because you are losing weight and you are finally controlling something in your life. But that feeling is only temporary and soon it becomes an obsession. This path you are on, it can take to very dark places and you edon't need that in your life hunn. And thing about it, is it really worth the constant lethargy you feel? Is it worth having no energy? And think about this, are you really getting anything positive out of this? You can do this Kelsey, you can beat this. Just take that step and reach out. You are obviously strong if you are able to write this post so use that strength to get the help you deserve.

Good luck at counceling tomorrow,
and remember, do what you feel comfortable doing.
PM me anytime

[Jen]

Kelsey--how did it go with your therapist today?? <3

[DomoKay]

Not so great.. I didn't have a chance to talk with her alone.. My parents were in with her the whole time.. All they did was sit there for an hour and bash me, saying how I always mess up. It was not very pleasant to sit there while my parents just talked away about how much I eff up. Now I'm really going to have something for them to talk about if they find out what I really need to tell her..

[xxpaigiexx]

Hey Kelsey,

I think if your parents always come to your therapy sessions then you're going to have to ask to have some without them.
It's much easier speaking to to just one person alone than having your parents there to throw insults at you.
Therapy is supposed to make you feel better and right now it doesn't seem to be doing much for you with your parents participating.
Next time try and go alone and have enough time to tell your therapist what is really troubling you.
If not write it down if you find it hard to say.
That's what I did when I found it hard to tell my counsellor something and then we spoke about it in the next few sessions slowly.
I hope things work out, Paige x