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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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taylor Offline
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Age: 27
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im so conflicted! (my first post) - January 29th 2009, 11:38 PM

hi everyone, so this is my first time ever posting anything. Im new to this, but if you could give me some input i would really appreciate it. sorry its so long!

So anyways ive always been a skinny girl. Ive never had any issues with body image, it never even crossed my mind that there was anything wrong with my body weight wise. I mean i get self conscious about other things about my appearance just like any other normal teenage girl, but never my weight.

Ive been diagnosed with ADD, and to help with that i take medication that has loss of appetite as a side effect. i didn't think anything of it, i lost some my appetite but i could tell when my body was hungry/needed food so i didn't think it would be an issue because i still ate a good amount of food. When i got a check up the doctor said i had lost a few pounds and my mom got concerned because he also said i grew an inch, so i should have gained weight.

the trouble is, recently ive stopped listening to my body's needs. instead of eating when i know i have to, i just skip it. I guess im sort of using the medications side effect to my advantage. Like, i'll look at a plate of food, and even if im actually hungry ill just wait it off because the pills are time-release(comes in spurts throughout the day) so i know if i wait it off i wont be hungry anymore. Ive lost quite a bit of weight now. Not a dangerously large amount or anything, but for my already slender figure its pretty shocking. My mom has noticed a little but i always put on baggy sweats as soon as i come home so i dont think she fully realizes. One of my best friends who has struggled with bulimia asked me the other day if ive lost a lot of weight lately because i was wearing a tight shirt that day and i looked reaallyy thin and my normally tight pants were getting baggy. i felt really bad because i dont want to trigger anything with her, and i know when she sees others losing weight it motivates her. i just denied it but this morning my weight has hit a new low.

The thing thats so confusing to me is that i dont like the way my body looks now at all. over the summer i had gained a few pounds but i liked it, i was still thin but i became curvy and i loved my body. But now im losing my curves and im self conscious and i miss the body i used to have, now i just look like an unhealthy and weak stick with no shape. So why the heck am i still doing this to myself? Ive thought about it and i think it might be because it makes me feel in control of something that no one else can control. But if thats the case then why cant i use that to gain weight? after losing a pound i feel guilty yet accomplished, i have this wierd feeling when i look in the mirror. I like seeing the results, but i hate the way the results actually look. is this a normal at all?? im so confused! i wish i had never started doing this in the first place, now im afraid that if i gain the weight back instead of loving my body like i once did, i will be too used to feeling this thin and will feel heavy instead of healthy. I don't have any clue why im doing this, my medication helps me focus during school, but now i can't concentrate because my weight loss plus my inability to sleep has me feeling weak.

Why cant i just stop if i dont even like the way its making me look???
a minute ago i was certain that i wasn't anorexic. but just typing this up is making me wonder if i am.

i don't expect anyone to know exactly why i can't stop, but i would really love some advice. This is so weird to me i feel so in control and yet I'm out of control, and this behavior is really out of character for me.
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WingedWolf Offline
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Re: im so conflicted! (my first post) - January 31st 2009, 09:23 AM

I can't diagnose you with anything, and if you're concerned about a proper diagnosis, you ought to go and see a doctor.
Being in control of it is very reminiscent of an ED, so I woud sseriously consider it. They might be able to give you different meds which wouldn't make you lose your appetite so much?

The best advice I can give is, if eating it is an unpleasant thought for you, or anything of that nature, try making a meal plan to even everything out. Makes things easier for some people, that way you can keep track, not eating too much or too little.
It is also very reassuring that you know that you're 'too skinny' and don't like it, because it tells us you're still keeping a rational gauge on your weight, and your size.
Keep in mind when you look at food that the reason you are hungry is because you need to eat. Not want but NEED. Your body, purely as a mchine rather than a person, bu as a machine, your body is in need of fuel. Your body will be looking for fuel, and that is why we hunger. If you don't, I won't go into too much detail, but organs will fail and you will die in alot of pain.

If you need to be in control, try and find something else you can be in control of. I don't know if you have any other issues, but it may be useful to have some background
Anyhoo, try writing, drawing, maybe start mentoring or councelling, set up a club, start a hobby, find something you can take and control. Or make a meal plan, and control your eating by sticking to the plan. Just make sure it's a good, healthy plan, the people on here will be glad to help you make one

You loved that curvy you that you found, go for it, stick to it, and feel amazing!
PM me ANY time at all, I'll get back in touch, or you can add me on MSN at angel--wolf@hotmail.co.uk I pretty much live on the internet, some people aren't sure if I exis in the real world any more :P

Seriously though, best wishes, and I hope I've helped!
Wolfie x
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taylor Offline
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Re: im so conflicted! (my first post) - February 5th 2009, 03:47 AM

thanks so much for your support I haven't told anyone about this and i dont know if i will. But its just nice knowing i can come on here and get help and people like you will actually listen to what i have to say.

So the past few days i have been trying to eat a little more. I haven't really gained weight, but i dont think i look as skinny when i look in the mirror, but maybe im just getting used to the way i look. I dont think that i have an ED, but i really dont want this to turn into one if its not one already. It's gotten to the point where i sort of feel like if i eat, im failing myself, even though deep down i know thats not logical thinking but i cant help but feel that way. If I eat when im actually hungry it feels like im doing something wrong. I know its not wrong but i physically and emotionally get the same feeling a person gets after doing something they know they really shouldn't have. At this point i just want to avoid the guilt that comes with eating. I'm still trying though, but i'd rather feel hungry than feel like a failure. Ive been under alot of stress lately at school and at home and when i do something wrong or feel like i have no control over my life or that I cant fix something, i take it out on my eating habits. Is this normal though? im really curious, do people ever have eating disorders without being self conscious about their body?

As for your advice on taking up something else to be in control of, ive always been really into my art and writing, but lately i haven't had the time and i just sort of pushed it aside. I'm getting back into it though, and even if i still have other issues, drawing definately takes some of the pressure off
and thanks for listening, that really helps too
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