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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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I'm so lost. - March 16th 2010, 06:01 AM

I just... I don't understand. I'm a 20-year old University student, and while I've never been happy with my weight (I've been extremely overweight for most of my life), I've always enjoyed food.

The last couple weeks, though, I've been pretending to have eaten meals - and because I'm so often alone, it's not something anyone can really say anything about.

Now, the thought of eating makes me ill. I've been taking vitamin supplements to make sure that I'm not going to suffer nutritionally, but eating is a battle in and of itself. And on top of that, I've started throwing up after I eat - and even though I've always detested throwing up, I'll look in the toilet now with a sickening sense of pride.

I don't understand what's gotten into me. I'm finally losing weight, and I'd been doing it healthily... but now I'm continuing with the exercise (30-45 minutes of running on the spot in my room, exercises on my exercise ball that amount to about 30 minutes, and 300 crunches, all 3-5 times a week, depending on how busy I am that week)... and I'm not refueling.

The worst part is that all this is coupled with depression that I completely don't understand, because I have a new boyfriend (sort of), who is supportive of me (although he's pushing me to lose weight, which I don't think is helping)...

...I'm really sorry if this isn't making any sense to any of you.

And I think that I'm the most sorry if this makes absolute perfect sense to you, because then you know all too well the hell that my life has become.
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Re: I'm so lost. - March 16th 2010, 03:55 PM

hey hun..
just a few words of advice..
don't let it continue. you got to stop it now. before it goes on longer, for months, for years, for decades, for the rest of your life! why? because it's going to ruin your life. it will affect your mood, your health, your relationships, your future. and that's why...
so yea, question is of course, how to stop... i guess you've to first decide that you want to stop. then things get a whole lot easier. try eating whenever you feel like it. when negative emotions come up such as fear, insecurity, thoughts of losing weight.... tell yourself that thinking that is not right.
and talk to someone? like a counsellor who can give advice, help you see what is it that's underlying this bad eating.
yup. (:



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the voice of truth says "do not be afraid"
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I'm so lost. - March 16th 2010, 08:28 PM

It's really difficult to talk to people about this - I've always been the guy who talks to his friends (and all my male friends were always very confused about this, since it's not a "man" thing to do), but... I don't know why, this is different. Way harder. I've started and stopped a few times.
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Re: I'm so lost. - March 17th 2010, 04:15 AM

Hey Drew!

So, sadly enough, your post makes perfect sense to me.I get it.Restricting does two things, that's what it is, restricting. It gives you a sense of control, and it makes you feel better, sometimes. There's a rush you get from working out, when it's not draining, and it's a really addicting feeling. So is being hungry. But it's also very dangerous.

I know how hard it can be to eat, believe me I do. But you can't quit trying. You have to try to make yourself eat a few small meals a day. Start small, baby steps, and work your way up. Six small meals is recommended for the average person, three larger meals are okay, with a few small snacks. But make sure you are at least trying to eat. Find foods that don't make you feel sick, and try eating those. Greasy, unhealthy foods will do more harm than good on an empty stomach; try fruit and veggies, protein and iron. Vitamins are not enough, your body needs food to survive. Try talking to your school counselor, they can help you, if you let them.

If you need anything, feel free to pm me.


She whispered to her own reflection "I will be strong."

"I am not what has happened to me.I am what I have chosen to become."- Carl Jung

"If ye harm none, do as ye wish."

Sometimes things just happen.


Smile through the tears.


PM me

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  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I'm so lost. - March 17th 2010, 05:12 AM

I tried today.

I really, really tried today. I drank some juice in the morning, before going to physiotherapy (I was in a bad car accident in the fall, messed up my spine - but luckily am still fully mobile and am healing nicely!)... and it stayed down, it didn't make me TOO nauseous, I was feeling good.

Then I came home from physiotherapy and played video games, was feeling good... and decided that I'd make myself eat dinner while my roommate was there, so that I couldn't go purge. Or, at least, to make it more awkward to go throw up, since it's kind of loud sometimes, y'know?

Well, I made myself a nice healthy meal, it tasted divine... and, ten minutes after finishing it, I went to the bathroom, claiming the runs (I've had them for a few days now). Couldn't help myself - it was feeling worse not purging than it does to not eat. And I've found that I can control how loud it is. My roommate didn't ask.

Then, we went to a friend's house. I had a handful of chicken wings, a couple slices of pizza, and then, once the set in Rock Band was over... excused myself to go to the bathroom. Again. I'd thought that making myself eat at a friend's would make me keep it down.

Any suggestions on how I can force myself to not purge? I've done it at school, home, and now a friend's house. I've tried at a restaurant, and only stopped myself because my fear of getting caught by the open door was worse than the feeling I got keeping it down.

This is taking over my life. I've told my best friend now, but I... don't know how to tell my roommate. He'll just be so... helpless. I can't spread that misery.
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Re: I'm so lost. - March 17th 2010, 03:55 PM

hey hey, firstly, i'd say although ppl would less expect a guy to be struggling with such food issues doesn't mean that guys do not face such problems..
don't be afraid to approach a counsellor really. it'll be worth it in the end i promise! i understand how it feels like to can't help but throw up food. and it's really kinda an addiction... you can try distracting yourself. whenever you think about food, about eating it, about not eating it, about throwing it up..... QUICKLY think of something else, talk about something else, play minesweeper or something.
i used to be like this, purging like about 8 times every day and i couldn't stop... but after seeing a counsellor and although sometimes i still can't completely control myself, i'm getting better at it. makes me feel free and life's a whole lot brighter!
it's really great that you're trying to stop. (: so don't give up on that! find new ways, ways that work for you to stop... like think about when are the time you don't feel like throwing up/ starving yourself maybe?
goodluck ^^



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the voice of truth says "do not be afraid"
   
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Re: I'm so lost. - March 18th 2010, 03:39 AM

Today, I managed to keep down zero meals (and about 4 beers, ugh. St Patrick's Day when you're Irish? It doesn't matter why you don't want to drink, it's impossible for you not to).

But I got closer! And I waited longer, so less came back up.

baby steps.

(Also - I told my roommate. Except that he's paranoid about everything now, it went very, very well. =])
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Re: I'm so lost. - March 18th 2010, 04:33 PM

Nice job, Drew! Baby steps are indeed the way to go. Keep crawling forward--every little step and accomplishment counts!




"Do not ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

“if nothing changed, there’d be no butterflies”

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Re: I'm so lost. - March 18th 2010, 07:04 PM

One thing I forgot to mention, that struck me this morning.

I was talking about guys who were going around with a tally on their "Kiss Me, I'm Irish" shirts, and how neither of them were that attractive, and ended up getting into an argument with a guy at our table about it (I vaguely know him through band, but hadn't talked to him much before yesterday).

Before I realized what I was saying, I'd said "Okay, they're above average, I guess, but let's face it - I'm hotter than they are." And then kind of stopped and went "Woah, did I really just say that?"

I know that the underlying reason I've been throwing up and not eating is self-esteem, and a lot of that is body image. I'm not my own type - slim and lean. Even if/when I lose the weight I still want to lose, I'll be thick and well-muscled (which is more people's type anyway). But I'm beginning to realize that that's okay. And hopefully the fact that that's okay will make its way to my conscious mind and I'll be able to go back to eating properly.

I'd just like to thank everyone here, even though I know I'm at the start of a long journey. This forum is the reason that I'm actively trying to stop, and reading the responses here each day are the thing that's helping the most.
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Re: I'm so lost. - March 19th 2010, 02:28 AM

That is awesome!! So happy for you and proud of you. What a great feeling, I'm sure, to have these realizations!! <3




"Do not ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

“if nothing changed, there’d be no butterflies”

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Re: I'm so lost. - March 19th 2010, 01:48 PM

Today marks two things.

Today, I am going back to eating the way I'm supposed to. I had an awful experience last night/early this morning, and it shocked me into realizing that I just need to stop. I'm not expecting myself to immediately go back to three square and no purging, but I've been half-heartedly trying until now.

Also, today is the day I give up on the boy that I have been dating. He's the reason I was so obsessed with losing weight. The sole reason. He was never good for me, and I knew that, but tried to brush it away, say that I could change him. But his comments on my weight last night, while we were out to dinner (and while he was eating much, much more than I was) aren't going to be acceptable anymore. All he talked about was my weight, my house's cleanliness (he came over unexpectedly last time, so it was a pigsty), and things about me that needed improvement.

So today is the day that I give him the brush-off and find someone who will like me for me, extra pounds or no extra pounds. (And, to be honest, I don't even /have/ that many extra pounds. I just need what I see in the mirror to catch up with the weight that I've lost.)

Anyway. This post was just to get that out there.
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Re: I'm so lost. - March 21st 2010, 09:46 AM

Yesterday was also the day that the boy I've been dating and I got into a huge fight, and a lot of very hurtful things were said, including that no one would ever want to date me and deal with all my emotional baggage. Pretty much nailed exactly what I'd always been terrified of, so it didn't help my self-esteem issues that I'm fairly sure (read: 99% certain) are causing this ED.

I'm still determined to get better, but this is making it so much harder. All I can see right now is my gut (and I'm trying to figure out some amazing analogy of why it's a physical manifestation of my emotional baggage that I want to get rid of, but I think that's because I'm a Psychology student who is also a budding novelist, haha).

Tomorrow will be a better day. More to keep my mind off what's bugging me. =]

I'm sorry for the frequency of my posting (It's getting close to a "food journal" thread, though I'm trying to keep that to my LJ, haha) - I just need to tell people who understand what I'm going through, and none of my friends have gone through any sort of eating disorder. This thread is really helping me. =]
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Re: I'm so lost. - March 21st 2010, 06:57 PM

Hey Drew,

I think it is great that you are trying to help yourself. And baby steps really are the best way to go. You really should be proud of yourself.

Now, what your Ex-boyfriend said (I think that is what he is kind of ) is not true. There is going to be someone out there who will be willing to put up with all your 'emotional baggage'. It might take a while to find that person and you might run into a lot of jerks along the way but in the end someone will care enough about you.

I can tell from reading your posts that you are a strong and caring person and someone will see that. Also the thing to remember is that we all have baggage.

Don't ever let anyone else's words tear you down especially when they are not true.

Sometimes you are going to have bad days and that voice inside your head is going to pick up on it and try and use all it's ammo to bring you back to where you are. But you are stronger than that and you can beat it. When you have a bad day pick yourself up again and keep on trying.

If you ever need anything please do not hesitate to pm me.

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Re: I'm so lost. - March 25th 2010, 05:44 AM

I'm fighting this thing as hard as I can, but it's coming at such a hard time in my life otherwise that I'm having trouble with it. I'm trying to eat smaller meals (if I feel completely full, I can't help but purge still, so I'm trying to just avoid that situation altogether).

I'm getting compliments about having lost so much weight, now that it's finally spring (sort of!) in Toronto, and the baggier clothes are coming off. I'm not sure how to take it - the first time someone did it, my roommate (who finally knows about the situation) went "Uhhhh---" about something else completely, but it's been on my mind since. And when I posted a picture of myself dancing on the subway in chat the other day, someone mentioned that they 'didn't know how I'd managed to get an ED'. I'm trying to make myself seen thinner.

We'll see how I do this weekend. I'm busy -- very busy -- and I might be on my feet all day Saturday. So not eating might not be physically possible, and purging will probably not be an option. But my roommate won't be around, which is always when I am the worst off, mentally and with food intake/out(-the-wrong-end-)put.

But today, I've eaten four small meals, if you count juice and a half-slice of pizza as lunch. =] I'm battling this thing.
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Re: I'm so lost. - March 25th 2010, 06:27 AM

Hey Drew,

I'm really proud of you. I know how hard this is to fight, but you're trying at that's what matters. I would say try eating something with more nutrients than pizza, but it's food so right now, that's really all that matters. I have an eating disorder, and I'm currently fighting it, so I know how much of a struggle it is. Just hang and there, and keep posting, reading your posts is really inspiring.

If you need anything, pm me.


She whispered to her own reflection "I will be strong."

"I am not what has happened to me.I am what I have chosen to become."- Carl Jung

"If ye harm none, do as ye wish."

Sometimes things just happen.


Smile through the tears.


PM me

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Re: I'm so lost. - March 27th 2010, 06:47 AM

I have a favour to ask of you. You, reading this right now.

If you could leave me a message telling me that I'm doing well because I've been eating more meals than not recently - and keeping it down more often than not - and that the binge/purge cycle I went through yesterday was only a slip?

I will love you forever. I can't tell anyone I know IRL about this, they all think I've been doing so well. My having an ED is hard enough that they're close to breaking.

Thank you to whoever leaves me a message. I really need the support right now.
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Re: I'm so lost. - March 28th 2010, 02:24 AM

Hey Drew,

You're doing great. A slip is just a slip. It is up to you if you let a slip turn into something more, like a relapse. But it sounds to me that you have no intention of letting that happen. It's just a slip. It happened and now you're moving on, to a new moment, a new day, new choices. You are working so hard. I believe in you!

<3




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“if nothing changed, there’d be no butterflies”

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