Going back?

[~CourageousSurvivor~]

I don't care anymore. I don't care if I start starving myself again. It would be a welcome release. I want to go back to that place. Eating one meal a day. Eating every three days. I want to feel the hunger pains again. I don't want to fight anymore.

There seems to be no point because no matter where I turn there are things blocking my road to recovery. No food in the house. I could by myself food and make it last for a while but then what do I say "oh sorry everyone else you can't have it?" That is not fair.

I love this feeling I have right now. The hunger in my stomach. It feels so good. I want to hold onto it. I have not eaten since four so tomorrow at 4pm will mark one full day of going without food. I could totally make it. It would feel great.

I don't know. I can control the ED. I can this time. I know what I need to do. I just have to make a plan out in my head and follow it precisely and I will not lose control. Everything will be fine. But, I think I want this.

I want to go back to that person I was. Starving is something I can depend on more than anything else. It feels so good. I feel so whole and complete right now. It would be for the best.

If I quit eating my dad would save money because the little food we do have would last longer. If I quit eating I would be thin. I would be happy if I were thin. I would be beautiful and whole and wonderful. It would be heave. Thin is good. I will be thin if I do this. If I don't I will stay the fat cow that I am.

I don't want to be a fat cow anymore. There is no need for it.

[Nomophobia]

I really know the feeling. I have started starving again, although I have never actually had an ED. I love the starving feelings.

[Jen]

Jenna,

I think you do care a little bit. And I think that the part of you that wants to recover is somewhere deep inside of you. If it wasn't, and if you didn't care, you wouldn't have posted here. You would've just gone ahead and done what you're going to do anyway. So, how can you make that part of you that cares stronger? What can we best do to help that part of you continue to come alive?

<3

[an_revival]

Jenna,

You have worked so hard to get where you are at right now. Please don't throw that down the drain by giving into the Eating Disorder.

Even though this time, you think you can control the Ed, you can't.. You can never control the ED, it will always control you. No matter how you try, the ED will win if you let it.

Please don't go back.

[~CourageousSurvivor~]

Thank you guys. I am trying to fight it. I messaged some of my friends from the ED center I was at. One of them replied and it helped quite a bit. I am going out to eat with some of them tonight as well so that should help. I will talk to them more about it all. Getting their support, advice and whatever else will be so helpful.

I don't want to give up. I know a part of me does (the unhealthy part) but the healthy part is telling me how bad that would be and how it is not what I really need. I will make it through this. I know I will.

It will be a tough road but it will happen. I just have to stay strong.