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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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Purging... - April 1st 2010, 06:42 AM

I don't know what to do. Been purging a lot lately. Yesterday I did it twice. Tonight I did it twice. I don't know if I want to stop. A part of me does, of course, but I don't know if I can right now. I just I don't know.

I am so happy. There are things that are missing but I know that it will get better but getting fat is something I cannot handle. I just will not let myself get fat. I won't go back to who I was months and years ago when I was so fucking fat. I won't. I need to be thin. Because if I get any fatter I will not be pretty anymore. I want to stay pretty.

I don't know. I like the feeling of hunger that I get.

Purging is so annoying. It doesn't do anything. And, it makes me hungrier; probably due to the fact that my body has to work so hard. It gives me a headache and makes me feel like shit but I can't not do it. I feel so fat when I do it. I just I don't know what to do...

I need to talk to my therapist and I will but I don't know what she will ask of me. Will she want me to go back to the program? Cause I can't and won't. Can't afford it and I won't go back to that place they suck.

IDK. There is nothing I can do to get better. I have a meal plan and when I am going according to that I feel good but I can't go according to it because it costs too much money. $240 for one person. I make 600 and have 240 in bills and then I help my dad out a bit. I can't do this. I hardly have money to ever buy clothes. I hardly have money to go out with friends. ETC I can't do this.

Just don't know what to do.

I am just so tired. My body, I can already feel the effects purging is having on me and the starving. I have a constant headache and body tremors etc. I took a test in my math class and I could not remember anything. I have never had that problem. I am having trouble concentrating and I am not even starving all that much. Just here and there.

Oh goodness I know where this is going. I am falling and I don't know why. I have no want to sabotage my life any more. I don't want that. I like how life is going but I want to be thin. I want to stay the way I am. I don't know why I am falling and that is what is so hard. All I can think is that I want to be thin.

I really have no want to sabotage my life. I keep thinking that if this were to get bad I would have to give so much up to go into recovery and I don't want that.

I just don't understand this relapse. I don't see why it is happening. All I can see is my need to be thin. But, that can't be the only reason. It makes no sense there is always a reason behind it and I cannot see it. WTF if I could figure it out it might work out.

I have journaled. I have written poems about it. I just fucking do not know what could be behind this and I need to know to pull myself back up but I can't. I am just so lost...


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Re: Purging... - April 1st 2010, 12:48 PM

Hey

Sorry you feel like this - honestly I don't know what advice I can give you, other than just to try and figure out what's caused the relapse (I know you're working on it, keep trying!) At least you are aware that it's happening - that is a great step ... can you talk to someone about it? Maybe not your therapist, but a friend?

You can get through this
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Re: Purging... - April 2nd 2010, 11:00 PM

Jenna,

Eating will not make you fat. It's perfectly okay to eat, and our bodies need food to survive. I'm a broke college student, I survive on junk food and cafeteria food, and no, it's not healthy, but if you try to eat right and limit yourself a bit, you won't gain weight from eating normally.

You know how unhealthy purging is, and how bad it makes you feel, you got to fight the urges Jenna. Talk to your therapist, and talk to your dad, you do not have to do this alone. Don't give up Jenna.

Let me know if you need anything <3


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