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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Hear my whispers in the dark..
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Name: Jen
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Location: Arkansas

Posts: 221
Join Date: January 16th 2009

How do I ask for help if I'm not even sure that I want help? - May 1st 2010, 09:28 PM

So, I'm relapsing back into my ED. I'm mostly a starver, but I will puke if I feel really guilty about what I ate. I know it's not healthy. But there's a sick part of me that just doesn't care. Part of me doesn't care that I could die. Because hey, at least I'll die thin. And I actually get mad when people act concerned because I feel like they're trying to keep me from being happy (which I feel I will be once I get thin). But then I feel guilty. Because my best friend told me that she is really scared that I could die. And every time I think about that, I think "ok. I'm done. I don't want to hurt her." and I go on a binge. But then I feel guilty for binging and I either throw it up or eat less the next day. I only eat when I feel really dizzy. She can't give me daily help because she lives in another state. The last time I asked my doctor about it she said that I wasn't thin enough to be in the danger zone so she didn't do anything about it. That was 3 years ago and my ED has been on and off since then (although it started when I was 13ish). I weigh MORE then I did the last time I talked to my doctor, so I'm pretty sure I'd get the same results. If someone were to ask me how long I'm going to keep doing this, I'd probably answer "i'll stop a minute before it's too late". I am in Alcoholics Anonymous and there are 4 people there who know about my problem. One of them is my sponsor. But I feel like I can't talk to her about it, because 1) she doesn't understand what it's like because she has never had an eating disorder, and 2) she is overweight so I feel terrible talking to her about how I think that I'm fat when I know she weighs more than me. When I do talk about it with her, I know it makes her feel bad because she'll make comments like "when I see people like you talk about how fat they think they are, it makes me think 'what do they think when they look at me? I must be a fucking hippo!". But she doesn't understand that when I look in the mirror, I SEE FAT. I feel like a hippo too, but she just doesn't get it. And then the other 3 people I talk to have or have had an ED. But I don't see them every day. I see them maybe 2-3 times a week at meetings, but that's about it. I work Mon-Fri, and I see the same people pretty much every day. Only 2 girls work every day. One of them I don't like, and they other I'm not that close with. I really like her, she's a sweet girl, I've known her for 3ish years and we do talk occasionally. But I wonder if she would still talk to me if she knew I was a recovering alcoholic/addict and that I have an eating disorder. I've thought about asking her for help. Because every day the kids we work with are offered a snack, and the staff is allowed to have one too. I never do, because it's always more calories than I want to have. But I've thought about asking her if she could make sure that I grab a snack even if I don't want it and trying to make sure I don't go to the bathroom after to puke it up. I did that last year with another staff member, but this year she only works 2 days a week so it wouldn't work.
But I'm just worried. Because how do you tell someone that you're basically a drunk/junkie/starve-a-holic? How do you ask for help when you're not even sure you want to get better?? What makes it SO hard is that there is that part of me that does not want help. I don't want to be made to eat. I want to get thin. But at the same time, I see a little bit of insanity here. I don't like hurting people. If I got hospitalized, everyone would find out anyway, because I would lose my job for the time-being, and I would be cut off from the world until I got better. I want to ask her for help, but I can't think of what to say, or how to say it. And I'm just so afraid that it will backfire, and she'll think I'm a horrible person. But I'm not. I'm just a girl, who's starving for perfection...

Life isn't about worrying,
That's a waste of time.
And life isn't about being perfect,
It will never happen.
Life is about finding yourself,
And finding people who accept that person.

My PM box is always open!

Last edited by thegirlnextdoor89; May 1st 2010 at 11:56 PM.
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Casey. Offline
Dance with me
I can't get enough
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Name: Casey
Age: 29
Gender: Female
Location: Somewhere in my mind

Posts: 2,343
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Join Date: January 6th 2009

Re: How do I ask for help if I'm not even sure that I want help? - May 5th 2010, 02:07 AM

I just have to say, your last sentence hit home with me. I know that feeling, I do. As for talking to someone, maybe a part of you does want help, it might not be the loudest part, but it still might want help. Just talk to her, you don't have to tell her anything. Ask her if you can talk to her about somethig seroius, and if she says okay, tell her that you are recovering from an eating disorder. Try to open up to her, but you don't have to tell her everything Jen. Just tell her what you think she might need to know, and tell her you just want someone to support and help you, that sometimes you need help staying on track, and ask if she'd be willing to do that. She might not be, but you don't know unless you try.

I could say this a thousand times, but I? know you wouldn't hear me. You don't need to starve yourzself Jen. You are beautiful and an amazing young woman. There is no such thing as perfect, and we will never be perfect; you have to learn to accept yourself for who you are.

Just hang in there, and stay strong. If you need anything, pm me. I'm here for you.

She whispered to her own reflection "I will be strong."

"I am not what has happened to me.I am what I have chosen to become."- Carl Jung

"If ye harm none, do as ye wish."

Sometimes things just happen.

Smile through the tears.

PM me

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