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I feel fat. I am fat. I think I might have gained weight. I don't have a scale. I want one. I am so fucking fat.
I ate so much yesterday. Today I ate a lot too. I had half a donut, a homemade hamburger, rice and chili beans, guacamole, Potatoe salad, strawberry shortcake and broccoli salad and a coffee.
I am so disgusting. I just don't know what is wrong with me. I just am so gross. I can't stop eating. Idk, maybe in reality I didn't even really eat that much today it is just the fact I strayed from what I normally eat the past couple of days.
Usually I have Starbucks Caffe Latte and a blueberry scone. I then have one meal. It works so well. But I have been straying the past couple of days. I have been on my period and that might have a lot to do with it.
And, just recently I had a really weird dream about my abuser and then Friday night I had another dream.
I have been binging. Or maybe it isn't a binge (last night was) but now I am panicking over what I have been eating. I just don't know. I don't know.
I can't get fatter. I don't want to hate myself any more than I already do. I don't want people to be disgusted by me. I don't want guys to find me unattractive again.
I want to purge but technically there probably isn't anything to purge.
I FUCKING hate me. What the FUCK! Why can't I quite binging like a disgusting fat pig. I really really really want to go out and buy a scale but I don't have the money. FUCK IT ALL I WISH I WERE THIN. If I were thin boys would probably want me. I would be in a relationship. But who in the fuck wants a disgusting fat cow? Not me. I am just gross. I wouldn't want me. GODDAMMIT I WISH I DIDN'T FEEL THIS WAY ANYMORE. I AM SO FAAAAAAAAAAAAT AND GROSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry to hear that you're struggling atm. I'm 100% certain that you aren't fat. You are allowed to eat you know. Its not a crime. Half the time if you're active during the day you burn it off anywai, so I wouldnt panick too much. I know its hard, but you're so strong and you can do this, and it will get easier honestly. Have you got anyone you can talk to? Your therapist perhaps? Just to explain that you're struggling, because you don't have to do this alone and the more support you get, the better! Hope this helped somewhat. Keep you're chin up, and if you ever need to talk, you know where I am.
You are not fat! That is your ED talking lovely, and you know it.You are allowed to eat, and you can eat different things, you know that. You have to keep fighting this, and keeping fighting to allow yourself to eat whatever, because you deserve to get better, you do. Hang in there Jenna.
She whispered to her own reflection "I will be strong."
"I am not what has happened to me.I am what I have chosen to become."- Carl Jung