scared

[actingpassion123]

i was diagnosed as anorexic a few years ago, and went on the recovery track and had been doing pretty well up until this year. right now i'm just going through a hard time. i don't know what i want anymore. Actually, i know what i want (hunger, starvation, control, bones). i have all of these "needs" about restricting, but there's this other part that knows that it is wrong. it's like there are two voices in my head battling with each other over how i should behave.

how do you deal with these separate feelings inside your head (if you have them). i'm just scared about what they're doing to me.

[inner_beauty]

Hey there, Laura.

I know what you are going through. I deal with the same problem of wanting two things at once, even though one is bad for me. I journal about how much I have gained in recovery, and then how much I lost to ED. The gain page is filled up, while the other isn't. It helps me realize that Recovery is worth it, and by going back, I'd just be feeling lost, depressed, low, and not myself.

[Jen]

Hey Laura,

It's so hard when you have those conflicting voices in your head! Have you ever tried writing out what they are saying? Many people find it helpful to literally write out a dialogue, between your healthy voice and your ED voice. Sometimes that helps release it from your head and get it down on paper--and it makes it easier to see how ridiculous the ED is, how manipulative and cruel that part of you is, and make it clearer as to why you want to listen to the healthy, caring part of you. I recommend journaling/blogging in general, but this in particular is helpful!

Are you getting any help for your eating disorder? If so, keep reaching out. If not, I'd definitely suggest talking to someone--having help, both casual and professional, is so important. Support is key.

Hang in there, Laura, I believe in you!
<3

[actingpassion123]

I'll definitely try writing them out. I think it will be helpful to just get them out of my head. Thank you guys. It feels a little better knowing that I'm not alone or going crazy

[secret]

Hey Laura, here are a few helpful tips, maybe you can use them...
As Jen mentioned, it is a good idea to write down what your thoughts are saying but also what happened before these thoughts occurred. Maybe these thoughts come in times of stress, anxiety, or sadness? Also, you have to do your best to limit restrictions... Restrictions will simply lead to a cycle, where you will feel anxious and fearful again. I don't know in what part of the world you live in but there are very often resources you can head to where you can go to if you feel that you are having a downfall. You should be proud of yourself however, you have identified that you are not doing so good lately and therefore this is a very good step If you wish to PM me you can go ahead. I am a recovered anorexic and am today studying in social work and also volunteer for an anorexic and bulimic agency! take care !

[actingpassion123]

I am seeing a therapist and a med doctor. I'm just really confused. I haven't written things down because I'm afraid of what they'll say (don't know if that makes any sense).

I got really sick a week ago and then went to a cousin's wedding, and with those two things I ate a lot (what I consider binging) and I'm back to a "normal" weight. But i feel so unbelievably horrible about it. I haven't eaten much since I got back home. I do want to tell someone in my life about it, but I'm scared they'll stop me or treat me differently or be angry or dissappointed.

When I "recovered" from anorexia, I always promised myself I would go back to it in college. I'm going to college in the fall, and I just always imagined myself anorexic there. I want it so badly, but I can see what it's doing to me. I have two voices still. I'm depressed. My urges to self-harm are more. I have no idea what I actually look like.

I'm not doing well with regulating my food intake/outake by myself. I've started to think in the back of my mind about inpatient treatment possibilities. Would this be possible even if I'm not at a low weight or purging excessively? I just want to end this for good. I am scared of what I'll do in moments of deep depression, but I just don't know if that's enough. I'm just running out of options...