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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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Secrets can't be kept forever... - May 15th 2010, 04:15 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I was doing so well. I put weight on. I started to enjoy food. I made such a huge effort to be better again. My breathing got better. I was more stable. I got back into a healthy life style and doing the things I enjoyed the most! Things were so much better - I was happier!

But since my friend comitted suicide 3 weeks ago, I've gone down hill again. It started with purging, and now I'm back to not even finishing one meal a day. It's going to sound crazy but this voice in my head, it tells me it's wrong to eat, and everytime I do, I feel guilty. I can't shake it. I can't make this go away.

Deep down I know this voice isn't real, and that eating is a good thing. I never wanted to be this way. And it frustrates me that I am. I'm trying so hard. I'm fighting myself everyday. I'm trapped.

I'm too afraid to tell my best friend out of fear that it's going to make her worry - of course it would! But I have a feeling she already knows

You know, I've noticed that I'm becoming ill again. I know that I'm the only person that can make myself better, but for some reason, no matter how hard I try, I just can't. It seems so wrong.....

Help please?

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Re: Secrets can't be kept forever... - May 15th 2010, 05:09 PM

Hi Laura, firstly I just want to say well done for getting better in the first place, I know how hard it must have been for you so you did really well in acheiving that. When someone who were really close to leaves us everyone finds it hard to cope, and because you've had trouble with this in the past, perhaps this is your subconcious way of dealing with it? Everyone deals with things differently. It's good that you've asked for help straight away, this shows that you know what's right and you know you shouldn't be feeling like this and acting like this again. When you recovered last time, was there anyone who helped you along the way? Could you speak to them for a bit of moral support? You said you think your friend already knows, do you think it would make her feel better in knowing the truth so that she can help you? It's more worrying to have the thought and not be able to do anything than to know and be able to do something about it. Or perhaps if you're friends with other people who were close to you're friend that you lost too? If you do then speaking to them could really help too because I'm sure they're finding things hard to deal with at the moment, you need each other.
I'm sorry you've had to do through so much, but please don't blame yourself because it isn't your fault. Take care, and I'm here if you need anything. <3
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Re: Secrets can't be kept forever... - May 16th 2010, 04:52 AM

Hey Laura,

I'm so sorry for your lost. I know what it feels like to lose a friend, it's not easy at all. Take a deep breathe and remind yourself that this is not your fault. Your friend would not have wanted for you to harm yourself, in any form. I know it's hard, but keep fighting this.

Talk to your friend. If you think she knows, tell her. She can help you, if you let her. Talk to someone, you don't have to do this alone.

She whispered to her own reflection "I will be strong."

"I am not what has happened to me.I am what I have chosen to become."- Carl Jung

"If ye harm none, do as ye wish."

Sometimes things just happen.

Smile through the tears.

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Re: Secrets can't be kept forever... - May 16th 2010, 07:06 AM

Thanks guys. At the minute I feel so out of control, like everything is moving, and I'm just standing still. I don't know if any of you's have ever felt like that??

I wrote a letter last night, explaining everything. Do I give it to my friend? I don't want to hurt her again, but I know if I get as ill as I did, then I will. And I don't want to do that. I thought I'd dealt with my friends death. (I'd posted a thread about her death before) but I've just gone back to being so angry and full of questions.

I don't want to be ill, but parts of me scream that it's wrong to eat. Maybe that's my little friend ED talking but who know's? I know the difference between right and wrong, but it seems as though there are two sides to me at the minute.

This post probably won't make sense to a lot of people, because it is quite confusing - sometimes I don't even understand it. But thank you for the advice, means alot

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Re: Secrets can't be kept forever... - May 17th 2010, 07:24 PM

Laura, you're right--there ARE two sides of you. There's the part of you that is sick, taken over by your ED, and wants you to be sick forever. Then the other part of you is the healthy, caring, compassionate part of you, that wants you to live your life and take care of yourself. It can feel like a war inside of you when the parts start arguing!

Death isn't something that is easy to get over. There's so much emotion entrenched in it--and many questions, like you said. It's okay to struggle with what happened--it was a terrible, awful thing. But something that might be helpful is remembering--turning to ED behaviors isn't going to do anything. It won't bring your friend back, and it won't take away the pain and anger--it only hides it temporarily, until it comes back full-force. So, the ED won't fix things--but confronting your feelings and working through them WILL.

Have you talked to anyone about what happened? Maybe a parent, teacher, therapist? Talking is key--the more you (healthily) release things, the less you will feel the need to turn to your ED.

Hang in there, Laura...

"Do not ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

“if nothing changed, there’d be no butterflies”

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Re: Secrets can't be kept forever... - May 19th 2010, 11:35 PM

hey Laura. so sorry for the loss of your friend. thats something that must be terribly difficult to cope with so i can understand why this would trigger disordered eating patterns. is it possible for you to see a therapist?? really i think you're going to need to do a lot of talking to heal from this. find someone you can really open up to and is a good listener. and dont be so hard on yourself for i guess relapsing because this is an ongoing battle and there are going to be times when it comes back and this is one of those times.

Much in little.
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Re: Secrets can't be kept forever... - May 21st 2010, 10:07 PM

Thank you I do see a psychiatrist yes, I'm seeing her next week. Also I managed to tell my best friend literally everything which was good. Slowly but surely, I'm making progress! thanks for the advice guys, truly means a lot <3

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Re: Secrets can't be kept forever... - May 23rd 2010, 03:50 PM

Hey Laura. I'm proud of you for confiding in your friend; that was really brave. It's good to hear that you're making progress again.
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