Triggering: What is wrong with me?(rant)

[Kaitlin]

I don't know why I'm like this. At first I wanted to puke, I loved it, even if I hadn't eaten anything, I like the feel of just puking the acid or w/e it was. Now I hate it though. I can't stop myself. I'm hiding in my room right now because I just binged. And whats worse is its what I binged on last night, those stupid sub sandwiches. Last night was the first night I noticed blood in my puke. I had a horrible time purging last night, usually its so easy for me but last night I don't know, I ended up choking and it was so disgusting, I hate myself for it. But now I'm craving it. I just had to binge on the same thing. I want to take it out now. I feel so sick. I feel it trying to come up anyways, without my consent. I hate this. I hate that I can't control my own body. I hate that I actually WANT to puke blood again. That I'm being seduced by it. I'm trying to not want it but it's hard... it would be so easy to just do it, I could just tell my parents I felt sick... ugh. I don't know what to do anymore. I hate it but I crave it. What's wrong with me...

[Casey.]

Purging blood is not good, at all. That's actually a bad sign, and means you really should think about seeing a doctor.

As for what's wrong with you, well binging and purging can be an addicting feeling, that feeling of being in control of your body. That addiction becomes bulimia, and then it spirals out of control, and it can kill you. Have you talked to anyone about your eating? It would be a good idea to talk to an adult you trust, let someone know what's going on, you don't have to do this alone.

[Kaitlin]

There isn't an adult I trust though unfortunately, and even if there was last time and adult got involved (though not by my choice) they told my parents EVERYTHING I told them (this was just about my self injury though thank goodness and I was able to like play it wayy down) But I'm not ready for my parents to know, it wouldn't change anything except the way they look at me. Even if I wanted to I know we don't have the financial ability for me to even try and get help so I don't know what to do. My body is forcing me to throw up now, as if I were actually sick, the nausea after I eat is so bad. I have tried to talk to my parents about going to the doctor, but they just said I probably didn't feel good because since I'm homeschooled now and haven't been "going out" as much that I'm gaining more weight and not exercising at that the doctor would say I'm just basically fat and need to stop eating so much. Even when I told my mom I "got sick last night from this gross smell" and that I threw up blood, she didn't care, probably thought I was exaggerating or mistaken. So unless I tell them everything I can't even go to the doctor. I really have no one to tell, and even though a couple friends know, they don't want to hear about it, and I don't want to burden them.