Triggering: I'm a horrible person.

[Nutmeg]

I told a very close friend that I was trying to get over my anorexia, that I was honestly going to try my hardest, and was getting rid of the diet pills... But no. I tried at first, but gave up within about a week. And I never did get rid of the diet pills--I just put them away.

I can't believe I lied. I always tell him the truth--even if it hurts. I've told him I've liked him, told him I self harm, told him about the anorexia in the first place, told him I tried to kill myself, how I tried to kill myself... Everything.

And now, every moment, I'm lying to him. I can't deal with myself. I've changed... Too much.

I don't want to tell him the truth, but I really don't want to lie to him anymore either. I don't know how to go about this problem.

I feel horrible.

EDIT: I went from[Edited] really quickly. And I mean QUICKLY. Losing breath already, hard to do simple tasks--same 'symptoms' I had before, but more difficult than before. This is tough.

[actingpassion123]

you're not a horrible person. i know how hard it can be to tell people the truth. part of you wants to, which is wonderful. keep trying to let that side of you out.

it's always hard to make the first step and get rid of the object that's haunting you. it can feel like a safety net, but you'll eventually feel more secure when the pills are gone. keep trying!

[Nutmeg]

Originally Posted by actingpassion123

you're not a horrible person. i know how hard it can be to tell people the truth. part of you wants to, which is wonderful. keep trying to let that side of you out.

Originally Posted by actingpassion123

it's always hard to make the first step and get rid of the object that's haunting you. it can feel like a safety net, but you'll eventually feel more secure when the pills are gone. keep trying!

Yes, and I tell him the truth all the time. In fact... This is the only thing I'm lying to him about, and it's tearing me apart that I'm lying to him. It really is.

[~CourageousSurvivor~]

Hey there,

I promise you are not a horrible person. Sometimes ED's cause us to do things that we would not normally do. Sometimes it causes us to lie, hurt or do other things to those that we love. But that is not YOUR fault it is ED. Your Eating disorder is trying to alienate you from the people that you care about and the people that care about you because it feels threatened. ED's don't like it when we have people to lean on because then it does not have as much control and we, eventually, are able to see the light and see where this disease is taking us; see that this disease is lying to us.

I know it hurts like hell when we lie to someone about something especially when it has to do with ED. We end up beating ourselves up more than usual and the lie seems to be ten times worse then it is. That is ED. ED knew you would struggle with the lying part and knew it would put more fuel to the fire and cause you to have more self hatred but I promise you can break that and I promise you have no need to hate yourself.

Do you think that you could work up to telling your friend about the diet pills? Maybe tell him over MSN or whatever? Or text? Or the phone? Just say 'I know I told you I got rid of them but I couldn't.' Then go from there. Maybe you could have him over and ask him to be there and support you while you throw them away or maybe you could ask him to throw them away for you?

I know it will be hard but I am sure it will help and I am sure it will make you feel a lot more stronger.

Please hang in there and if you need anything feel free to pm me.

Jenna

[Nutmeg]

Originally Posted by ~Jenna~

Hey there,

I promise you are not a horrible person. Sometimes ED's cause us to do things that we would not normally do. Sometimes it causes us to lie, hurt or do other things to those that we love. But that is not YOUR fault it is ED. Your Eating disorder is trying to alienate you from the people that you care about and the people that care about you because it feels threatened. ED's don't like it when we have people to lean on because then it does not have as much control and we, eventually, are able to see the light and see where this disease is taking us; see that this disease is lying to us.

I know it hurts like hell when we lie to someone about something especially when it has to do with ED. We end up beating ourselves up more than usual and the lie seems to be ten times worse then it is. That is ED. ED knew you would struggle with the lying part and knew it would put more fuel to the fire and cause you to have more self hatred but I promise you can break that and I promise you have no need to hate yourself.

Do you think that you could work up to telling your friend about the diet pills? Maybe tell him over MSN or whatever? Or text? Or the phone? Just say 'I know I told you I got rid of them but I couldn't.' Then go from there. Maybe you could have him over and ask him to be there and support you while you throw them away or maybe you could ask him to throw them away for you?

I know it will be hard but I am sure it will help and I am sure it will make you feel a lot more stronger.

Please hang in there and if you need anything feel free to pm me.

Jenna

I guess that makes sence that it's the ED doing all this. It's reasonable. But I had the ED for a while, and this is the only time I've lied to him ever. Despite me having the ED before I decided to try to quit and everything. And... Ugh. He was so happy that I was finally making progress...

[~CourageousSurvivor~]

I know what you are going through. My ED did the same thing. A lot of the people in my life knew that I was cutting, they knew I was suicidal etc but I never once told them I was struggling with an ED. Looking back I realize that ED wanted me to keep him a complete secret. He had no problem with me divulging my issues with self harm and suicide but anything that had to do with the ED was completely off limits.

I think that ED does that to make us question ourselves and what not. Why can we tell people about everything but we cannot tell them the truth about it? Are we weak? Are we horrible? Are we attention seeking? I think it is one of the ways for ED to keep hold of us. We have this 'huge' secret lingering over us and making us hate ourselves so who do we turn to to get rid of the hatred? ED of course. But I promise you can make it through. Keep fighting and try to get through to your friend that you are still struggling. I don't think he will be disappointed. Most likely he will just be worried. If he truly cares about you he will try to be understanding and help you in the best way he can.

Please hang in there and if you need anything do not hesitate to pm me.

Jenna

[Casey.]

He may have been happy that you made progress, but he would want you to tell him that you are slipping. It's okay to slip, but talking to him and keep trying to go onwill help. You are not a horrible person. Just hang in there.

[Nutmeg]

Originally Posted by ~Jenna~

I know what you are going through. My ED did the same thing. A lot of the people in my life knew that I was cutting, they knew I was suicidal etc but I never once told them I was struggling with an ED. Looking back I realize that ED wanted me to keep him a complete secret. He had no problem with me divulging my issues with self harm and suicide but anything that had to do with the ED was completely off limits.

I think that ED does that to make us question ourselves and what not. Why can we tell people about everything but we cannot tell them the truth about it? Are we weak? Are we horrible? Are we attention seeking? I think it is one of the ways for ED to keep hold of us. We have this 'huge' secret lingering over us and making us hate ourselves so who do we turn to to get rid of the hatred? ED of course. But I promise you can make it through. Keep fighting and try to get through to your friend that you are still struggling. I don't think he will be disappointed. Most likely he will just be worried. If he truly cares about you he will try to be understanding and help you in the best way he can.

Please hang in there and if you need anything do not hesitate to pm me.

Jenna

That actually makes a lot of sense... I mean, generally speaking, everything else doesn't really deal with self image, as ED does... It has more power, in it's own way.
And I think I'll tell him at the next opportunity. He asks me often if I'm okay, so next time he asks and we have time to talk about it, I'll tell him what's going on.

[Nutmeg]

Originally Posted by Cas*

He may have been happy that you made progress, but he would want you to tell him that you are slipping. It's okay to slip, but talking to him and keep trying to go onwill help. You are not a horrible person. Just hang in there.

I guess that's true... I mean, I would like to know if something like that happened to him. It would be dissapointing, I'm sure, but it would be better to know than thinking everything's getting better when it isn't...
Thank you for the advice.