Letter to ED

[~CourageousSurvivor~]

I did this in treatment and it helped. I write my feelings to ED. I need to do this now so I am making it a thread. I think it could help me and it might help others to at least know that this is in option. It really does help to talk to ED and basically tell him/her to fuck off.

Dear ED,

I hate you. You have ruined my life for the longest time. When I was younger you told me that eating a lot would protect me. You told me if I ate I wouldn't hurt and I wouldn't be noticed by people. No one would touch me. This was true in a sense because no one did want me but people noticed me and made fun of me.

Eventually you started berating me for being so fat and you encouraged me to starve. Now I am terrified of food. I ate a little today and I feel like I ate too much. I know I didn't. I should have eaten more.

Now I am on the road to becoming completely obsessed with thin. I don't want to get there but I am. I hate looking at myself in the mirror because all I see is a fat blob. You make me hate myself and I hate you for that. I should not hate myself as much as I do. Yet I don't know how to live without you.

That is the whole issue, isn't it? You have held me for so long in life that I don't know how to be without you. Without you I don't know what I would do. Would I become a fat cow? Would I get to a normal, healthy weight? I don't know but I am too scared to find out.

You tell me that you are the only one who will ever be there for you. I can't seem to let go of that belief. I want to let go of it but then, as if the devil is helping you, I am reminded by my father or mother or someone else that I am not important and I run to you because to you I am important. You want me. You love me. You own me.

I hate you for that. For being my security blanket. I fucking wish you would die. I need you to die but I am scared of you dying. Today I looked in the mirror at a shirt I bought last week and I think it is fitting looser. It didn't bring me any happiness because all I could see is how fat I still am. Too much fat here, too much fat there.

God, I feel so weak because of you. I feel like you are my only link to life and that doesn't even make sense because with you in my life I will surely die. But if I didn't have you I fear that I would die sooner.

I don't want to die. Please let me go. I want to beat you. Please let me go. You are a liar. You are a thief. You took so much from me and I still give to you. You are like everyone else in my life, NO GOOD. But, without you I truly would have no one.

My friends, they are great but they have their own lives. My family, well, you know about them and you use it to your advantage. You make me feel as if I am never going to be special to anyone.

That is bullshit. Everything you tell me is bullshit. You are just like my parents, my molestors. You spew bullshit and I fall for it and I get it into my head that you love me. You don't love me. You want to own me. You want to conquer me. You want to take advantage of me and hurt me and make me dirty and unwanted.

I will take back control. I won't purge the food I ate. I will eat something tomorrow and slowly I will eat a little more everyday. I have to so that I can survive. So that I can live.

You won't control me forever. One day I will squash you like a bug and then I will leave you in the dust to rot like you so badly deserve. I will be free from you. I will and no matter what lies you scream I will not be defeated. I will not be conquered. No one has ever conquered me and neither will you.

I am stronger than you. I am stronger than all the hurt that is/has been pushed my way. I am strong and I will win. I will conquer you.

Jenna

[DeadlySin]

I'm proud of you. =)
That you can come to terms with all this, point out what is wrong and why you do it. And then stare it in the eyes and say I am stronger than you.
You are strong, and I hope you can stay on the right track.
I wish you the best of luck!

[~CourageousSurvivor~]

Thank you

[Tiny_93]

Jenna, I'm really proud of you. This is a big step.

Fight it, don't let your ED become you or control you. Recovery is possible! I believe in you

[Casey.]

Jenna, I'm so proud of you. You can keep fighting this.

[Angel]

This is such a big step you are taking in overcoming your eating disorder. :)
The journey may be long, but you are never alone. ♥

I wish you the best of luck with your recovery! Be strong, always. x

[actingpassion123]

this is an amazing letter that takes a lot of courage. it's inspiring