rant/vent

[actingpassion123]

i truly, deeply, hate myself. almost everything about me. i'm not even strong enough to actually restrict. i restrict in the day, but then at night i just binge and binge and binge. i don't know if this is b/c of my night medicine, or if i feel guilty about restricting, or if i just want comfort. part of me wants to just stop taking my night medicine in hopes that it will fix the binging. but that's the medicine that keeps me sane. and i don't even have the energy to purge at night. i know this is good, but it just makes me hate myself more. i want help, but at the same time i don't. i just wish i could disappear. i don't want to be in this spot anymore. but i promised myself a long time ago that i wouldn't attempt anything again. i just want to disappear.

i'm seeing my therapist tomorrow afternoon, but i don't even feel like going. it's not worth it anymore.

i'm sorry about this rant, but i just felt like i needed somewhere to go.

[Jen]

I'm glad you vented--that's actually a really good thing to do. When you vent, and let feelings out, they don't stay inside of you and build up as much. So, nicely done!

Just a reminder, because sometimes it's helpful to be reminded of why you're doing what you're doing: by restricting, you're setting yourself up to binge. When you restrict, you deprive yourself of food, calories, and nutrients, that your body so desperately needs in order to function. So, by the end of the day, your body is essentially freaking out and it gets pushed over the edge--and the binge is its way of trying to make up for everything you deprived it of. Your body is trying to take care of you. So, if you were to normalize your eating, and eat small, frequent meals, throughout the day, you'd see that the binging would most likely decrease.

Hang in there, Laura, I believe in you.
<3