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Exclamation cant take it anymore - June 8th 2010, 05:10 AM

since i was a junior in high school i have lost a grand total of [Edited by Jen]. i have always had extremly low self confidence and was never happy with my weight growing up. i joined weight watchers with my mom and it actually worked...

then i went away to college this past year and the idea of the freshman 15 scared me to death after working so hard to lose all that weight. i had no way of keeping track of things living on dining hall food and i started having extreme anxiety all the time about it. it eventually became all that i think about. planning day to day when and what i was going to eat. eventually i couldnt handle watching my friends eat whatever they wanted and gave up on trying. i have always had a LOVE for the taste of food and started eating what i wanted, the foods i loved. along with this came even more intense anxiety when one day (no matter how much it has always freaked me out) i shoved my fingers down my throat and everything came up. at the time i was happy. even knowing how bad it was, i was finally able to eat normally and not worry about gaining the weight back. but after a few weeks/months i started planning my days around this. having to share a bathroom with 50 other girls and a roomate in a dorm, i would find out where she was and when she would be back so that i could throw up in the privacy of my own room, in our trash can. i ended up losing [Edited] by christmas and was so happy with the way things were. i got back to school the next semester and my friends eventually confronted me about it. i dont know how, but they knew and finally opened my eyes to what i was doing to myself. i started bumping into problems and i would continue to eat foods to trigger my anxiety and purges, but either my roomate would be in the room, they would be watching me, i would have to be somewhere at a certain time, etc, so there was no time to get the food out of me. this behavior continued and got worse and worse over time, but i just couldnt stop. i ended up popping almost every blood vessel in my eyes, cutting my throat, and felt even worse in the long run. i wanted to stop so badly but my body was so used to this that i didnt know what to do. i got home for summer thinking the change in atmosphere would help, but having an empty house, a full kitchen, and my own bathroom only made things ten times worse. if i put anything over [Edited] and conatins sugar or carbs i FREAK out. basically if it isnt fruit, vegetables, egg whites, or water i have horrible anxiety about it. its the feeling where i dont know what to do with myself and i just want to pull my hair out and cry. i have actually gained [Edited] since ive been home even continuing with this behavior. after all this time, i have no gag reflex in my throat anymore so even after eating bad and trying to throw it up, i cant no matter how hard i try. the anxiety is worse than ever and i dont know how much more of it i can take. i dont know what to do anymore, anyone else dealing with this problem? i need advice..

Last edited by Jen; June 8th 2010 at 05:21 PM. Reason: Please don't post weight/calorie numbers; it's against the Terms of Service.
   
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Re: cant take it anymore - June 16th 2010, 05:49 AM

I'm sorry to hear that you're dealing with so much. It does sound incredibly stressful, but you have to realize that your body was made to eat food. You simply need it to function properly throughout the day. Calories and carbs, proteins, vitamins, even good fats are there to FUEL you, not to hurt you. If you eat decent foods and the recommended amount of calories and carbs from day-to-day, you aren't going to gain all of that weight. Your body will probably stay right where it is because it uses all of it up to help you feel energized.

Of course, it will definitely take some rewiring of the brain to change your mode of thinking. That's why I think you need to speak with a counselor. There should be one available at your school through their health services. Don't hesitate to ask for the help you need. You deserve to be happy and healthy, and there is hope to get better - I promise. =]


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Re: cant take it anymore - June 16th 2010, 05:58 AM

I agree that counseling sounds like a good idea. If you're with a counselor that works well for you, you should be able to work these problems out so you no longer have anxiety about it.
   
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