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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Welcome me, I'm new!
thegreatgatsby18's Avatar
Name: natasha
Age: 27
Gender: Female
Location: salem,oregon

Posts: 2
Join Date: June 16th 2010

Unhappy pretty desperate.. - June 18th 2010, 03:26 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

well im natasha,
and let me start by saying that i have no idea how this site really works,
im not even sure if i still qualify for a teen. im 18.. but anyways..

i am so desperate to find an answer,a solution..
i looke all over the internet,everything. i just dont know what to do anymore
my parents,ahve given up on me and its so stressfiul, to be alone
in a time like this when i feel like i need a communtiy of support to get through this.

so- im bulemic,and i have been for about a year,
before this i was annorexic over exerciser,which i do still sometimes..
to lose a few.

but for the most park im a puker, ugh its so disgusting to admit.
people look at me so disgusted when they find out.
its just so hard to quit you know?

its like i feel SO much better afterwards,
but then the guilt,shame,and brokeness kick in,
and there i am balling my eyes out..alone..in the bathroom..
puking my guts up..
its just not working for me anymore..

im so depressed i dont even think i remeber what normal feels like anymore.
i dont know how to be happy,or healthy/
what the hell does healthy even mean?
becuase as far as i can tell those models can walk and stuff,
so i mean thats healthy right?
i dont know anymore..

i feel like im completely losing it..
ive deffinetly already lost myself,
im obsessed with my looks thats all that matters,that and puking.

i feel like such an idiot,
im 18 now i should have life figured out right??
im suppsoed to be an adult,
have this all down,and be responsible and amazing
and know how ot live and be healthy and stuff..

well no,..
how can i/?
my mom taught me NOTHING
i dont evne know how to be a woman.
all she said was "look good for guys,f*ck guys,and stay in school."
great advice... right?

ya so i literally am like this huge failure that cant even get a grip on eating,.are you kidding me?/???

AND to top it all off,
my parents kicked me out,
so im staying with my guy friend, ex boyfriend
because i had nowhere else to go.
and weve been hooking up,and so i feel wose about myself
becuase he wont date me becuase of my problems,
but helkl hook up becuase im hot he says..
what the EFFFF. so im doing it even more now becuase
i lok at my body and see NASTINESS.

im SOOOO lost,and alone!
i have no idea what to do!!!!
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Open my eyes
Average Joe
Ess The Morgenstern *'s Avatar
Name: Esther
Age: 26
Gender: Female
Location: Guadalajara, Spain

Posts: 170
Join Date: June 5th 2010

Re: pretty desperate.. - June 18th 2010, 04:06 PM

hi natasha
you're not a failure, and it's not your fault to be bulimic, can you blame someone because of having cancer? no, well, same thing goes to you. I'm bulimic as well and I'm 17, does it mean that you and me, and all the people here, and everyone around the world who's suffering from EDs are such a lost cause? no!
We all have mistakes, this isn't something we choose, this is a way to cope with our feelings because we didn't find a better way when things were going wrong, and well duh, I know this just made things even more difficult.
I know what's to feel rejected because your ED, I can't say my boyfriend did since I hadn't one by the time it grew stronger but I'd trust only in one person in this world, and when I told her about my ED, she told me I was mad and never again called me, I felt worthless, I felt so lonely and yet I haven't found a friend like her but if she didn't want to be with me through the bad times, maybe I should look for a real friend.
You deserve something better that this, I don't know which problems you'd had with your parents, to be honest I think I could never ever forgive my mother since she pushed me to go on a diet, and then everything started so I partialy blame it on her and my dad... I'm doing more for him by mentioning him here than he has ever do for me.
Look for professional help, please, before it goes further.
If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here.
All the best xx

Fear Cuts Deeper Than Knives

"And if you told me 'go to the hell', I'd tell you I know pretty well that place"
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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
DarkSeph Offline
Experienced TeenHelper
DarkSeph's Avatar
Name: Liam
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Location: Ireland

Posts: 623
Blog Entries: 9
Join Date: May 28th 2010

Re: pretty desperate.. - June 18th 2010, 10:22 PM

First of all welcome to TH 18 definitely qualifies as a teen, a large number of people here are your age and besides anyone is welcome here. If you ever need any sort of help or advice at all, don't be afraid to ask for it.

Try not to be so hard on yourself. ^^ You're a far better person than you're allowing yourself to believe, feeling bad about yourself will only depress you more. I'm really sorry to hear your mother hasn't given you much support, and the truth is you definitely do deserve a lot better.

It might be worth seeking professional help. This is something that can definitely get better and a professional would really be able to help you through it. Try to be more confident in yourself, don't be afraid to seek support and don't be down on yourself. There's a lot of pressure around 18-20 to suddenly "be a responsible adult" but the truth is we all have problems and sometimes everyone needs support. Best of luck.

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desperate, pretty

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