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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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My mum is making recovery so much harder! HELP! - June 26th 2010, 04:29 AM

I really just need some way to NOT let this bother me, but thing is...it DOES.
So what happened is ever since she was about 14...she has had problems with eating. She's never been anorexic, and its rather like the restricting type of Bulimia...except her binges aren't that extreme. She's now 50 and is still exactly the same. Before I got anorexia...I never noticed, but its only since i've been trying to eat more (after having anorexia) I notice she doesn't eat.
What she will do, is eat too much at night (im talking maybe 12 nut bars...or a whole block of chocolate, or a whole big easter egg, or a whole bag of nuts) - a decent amount. Then she won't eat any breakfast...now thing is, I hate this because I feel really fat and I dont want to eat if she isnt. Then like in the weekend she won't have much lunch...but then I am expected to have a MORNING SNACK AND LUNCH...but yet she will only have a few crackers. I don't like this feeling, I wish she would just be normal. So heres me eating all this crap to please her, then afternoon snack for me...well she wont do that one either. For tea, she tells me i need MORE than her, plus stuff afterwards just because she has a huge amount. I tell her the reason she eats too much is because she starves herself during the day, but because I eat lots during the day I dont want stuff at night. I tell her shes making this so hard for me, but she can't stop. So because shes starved herself during the day she PIGS out at night, then get's pissed off at me because I won't have anything - I may have some ice cream, but not as much as her. So then the next day she's "stuffed" from the night before and won't eat anything. She's also on anti-depressents but wont even tell me (i know because i caught her taking pills called citalopram - I looked them up on the internet,) and im certain she has never taken them before - she doesnt realise how easily children pick things up. So this makes me feel horrible.
I just need a way to allow myself food if she isn't eating. I hate eating more than her during the day, i feel fat if I have sandwiches and creamed rice and biscuits + more and she has had...2 bananas. I feel so horrible, but this is not helping with recovery, so I need some way to just not let her habits bother me.
   
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Re: My mum is making recovery so much harder! HELP! - June 26th 2010, 05:09 AM

Hey Emma,

So I can relate, totally. My mum used to be anorexic when she was my age, and it doesn't help my eating behaviours sometimes. But I found by being rational with her, and knowing that when she's stressed she eats, helps. Try talking to your mum again. Tell her that her eating is effecting your eating, because it's basically monkey see, monkey do, especially if you are trying to recover. You could try ignoring it, but that's about all you really can do. Try to remind yourself that you do need food, even if she isn't eating. Hang in there.


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Re: My mum is making recovery so much harder! HELP! - June 26th 2010, 03:28 PM

I know how hard it is. I'm comparing my calories intake to everyone in my family... and I find my mother just don't eat when we all are eating, but during the rest of the day she'd have biscuits, bread, cold meat... whatever, but I don't usually see her doing it so I get desperate when she says she won't have anything for lunch or dinner and then would make me eat.
But I know she's fatter than me, so why copying her "diet"? Thinking this helps me
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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: My mum is making recovery so much harder! HELP! - June 27th 2010, 03:24 PM

Hey Emma,

I don't blame you for being frustrated with this. I think you need to sit down and talk with your mom again. Let her know why this is so hard for you. Tell her that you understand that she is still struggling, but it's very hard to be expected to continue on recovery and not use behaviors, when you're surrounded by behaviors on a daily basis. It sounds like your mom knows what she's doing, and wants better for you--but she just might not realize how difficult it is. Try to calmly explain to her how you're feeling, and let her know that you aren't expecting her to get better overnight, but that in order to make recovery more possible for you, some things do need to change.

If she's not able/willing to make all the changes at once, maybe ask her if there's a way you could be separate in your eating habits; maybe it would be helpful to not see her binge, or to eat at a different time than her so that you don't have to compare. I know that's not ideal, but it's something.

Hang in there, Emma. Know that ultimately, it's hard, but you're doing the right thing--you're choosing recovery, and remember, no matter what your mum does or doesn't do, YOU know what you need to do. You're doing the right things.

Take good care of yourself.
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Re: My mum is making recovery so much harder! HELP! - June 28th 2010, 05:16 AM

I know how hard this is. My mom has physical problems(which isn't her fault) but it makes her not hungry, so when I have to eat from a normal sized plate, while she eats very little from a small plate, it makes me hate myself... So, I usually don't eat... if I do, I puke it up... I know it's different, but I still kind of understand. I don't want to eat if she can't, because I don't like to feel fat(even though I am...). Sometimes, I resent her for being sick.
   
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Re: My mum is making recovery so much harder! HELP! - June 29th 2010, 09:10 AM

Thanks for the responses guys I've tried so hard to just get over it, and being at school makes it a bit easier because I can eat my lunch without her there and I just forget about her eating habits, and pretend that it is all normal. I just feel mean because when she doesn't eat all day, I hope she does eat more at night and hopefully she will learn she has to eat, but when she does 'binge' at night we all get pissed off at each other, and its when she skips breakfast that bugs me, because thats when I eat the most (I LOVE porridge and eat half of the dry oats out of the container) and thats when she eats the least. But I have just been trying to ignore it, mum and I both had a bit of banana cake today very nice!!!
   
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Re: My mum is making recovery so much harder! HELP! - July 9th 2010, 03:45 PM

this isnt your fault n dont u ever think that ok if u help her it might help u also....


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Re: My mum is making recovery so much harder! HELP! - July 10th 2010, 04:17 AM

I try and help her but its really impossible, omg like 5 minutes ago she was like "Do you want some banana loaf" i said "no i've had some today" she said "oh i wont have any either - i will only have some if you have some" OH MY GOD its driving me insane. So I said I'd have an apple and she said fine, so im munching on an apple for no reason just to please her its like can't we just try and make food as normal of a thing as possible
   
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Re: My mum is making recovery so much harder! HELP! - July 10th 2010, 11:10 AM

Emma, don't eat to please anyone but you. I'm recovering and something that works to stop my mum offering me food all the time is telling her my therapist asked me to eat these three meals a day with two healthy snacks in between, otherwise I wouldn't be doing what my therapist said, because I would b eating more and put on much weight at once is pretty unhealthy, then she kinda give up on "bothering" me with food.
This might help you? But anyway tell her what she's doing to you once again. Maybe ask your therapist (if you have one) to talk to her about this and give her some advice.
All the best xx


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  (#10 (permalink)) Old
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Re: My mum is making recovery so much harder! HELP! - July 10th 2010, 11:39 PM

Thanks for the reply, I do have a counsellor but i HATE going, I really really hate it, al my life i've been such a happy person and never ever needed one before, now I do and its just awkward and I get all worked up about going, so I only really stay for 15 mins and dont say anything! I dont feel comfortable talking to her whatsoever, as I dont know her> each time I go she tells me I will have to go to hospital and that just scares me. I did tel my dietician that the reason I dont have full fat milk and stuff (our household has diet everything because thats what we have always done) is because mum has never bought it and wouldnt have it herself. I told the dietician of mums eating habits and all she said was "Yea but your mum hasnt got a BMI of ...." And that REALLY pissed me off because weight shouldnt matter, mum may be at a healthy weight but her eating habits are not normal.
I dont know what to do anymore, she didnt have breakfast again the other day, but I still had my bowl of porridge and tried not to let it get to me, i got over it later on. Still hard though
   
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Re: My mum is making recovery so much harder! HELP! - July 12th 2010, 07:39 PM

As much as it would be great for your mum to take this opportunity to get better with food, and you should explain (calmly) why it bothers you...

At the end of the day, this recovery is about you. One of the very very very hard things about recovery is that there are so many people that don't have normal, healthy diets. I'm not talking about eating disorders, but everywhere you go there are adverts for this diet or that diet and someone is talking about how many calories they ate at lunch so how much exercise they have to do that night. It is difficult, and more so when you're living with someone who doesn't eat healthily at home, but you have to learn to shut it out! There is no other option. Your mum might eat this way but she is not underweight, she is healthy. You are not healthy. You have to stop worrying and even thinking about everyone else and focus on you and your needs only. Honestly, it's the only way to survive.

It's something you'll come across constantly throughout your life, and I'm not saying it's not hard because I know how difficult it can be -- friends talking about how calorific this meal is when you're trying your best to not throw it up, or being invited to join a sliming group, you know this kind of thing -- but you have to keep reminding yourself that you are different, you have your own needs, and for the sake of your body and your mind you need to meet those needs. Focus on you, and only you.


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Re: My mum is making recovery so much harder! HELP! - July 13th 2010, 09:11 AM

As hard as it is to do, you make a LOT of sense and I really really am trying to just get over what other people say. I even had one of my friends go Vegan for a week, I had to eat crap and accept food and sit there and watch her eat fruit, and say no to biscuits and cake because she could say she was vegan. I felt awful and I could have killed her, I nearly asked her if she could do her stupid diet some other time, or just go do away from me as it was not a good time to be focusing on not eating 'bad' foods. But I didnt say anything and she stopped after the week. LOL
   
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