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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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emma01 Offline
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I don't want anymore help!! - July 13th 2010, 11:45 PM

Okay so if you have read my other posts, you may know that I am eating again, I am quite happily having 3 good meals and snacks if I am hungry. That is all fine and I would be quite happy to just gain a bit of weight....but I see a doctor each week to be weighed and I also have a counsellor and a dietician. Thing is, I HATE it.
I worry about gaining weight because I am embarrassed about it at the doctors, i feel this is the reason I worry about my weight. I feel every couple of hundred grams I gain, is everyone elses little victory. They are all so happy and stuff, trying to be encouraging...and when I lose weight I worry about what they will do...so I worry each week and I want to stay the same weight, so they aren't happy im getting fat, but arent making me feel like i've failed. I feel like all the counsellor and dietician care about is my weight and whether or not I have gotten my period back. This talk is really uncomfortable for me. They dont seem to care that mentally I feel so much more better, I dont want to die anymore, I like life, I enjoy eating and everything. Weight is such a triggering topic for lots of people with eating disorders...which is why we arent even allowed to mention it on here, and thats all anyone talks about.
Another thing, i HATE my counsellor, i HATE counselling, as In I really really hate it. I've gone as far as deleting the msgs off my phone so my mum doesnt know ive got an appointment. Unfortunately she now rings mum...not me. I get all upset when I have to go..im embarrassed to be there and I am getting nothing out of it. They know very well I hate going, but counselling does more harm than good for me. I've even said the F word in front of mum...and that means im mad lol im never allowed to say that.

So I dont know what to do, I have no problem eating to gain weight...as long as Im the only one that knows. I hate the help I get, my blood tests have been fine right the way through, I get ECGs regularly and they have all been fine. I understand getting the medical checks, that is okay...but I hate getting weighed and my weight being copied and pasted to many other people. Im so embarrased about it, and I dont think they realise its making it so much worse!

Does anyone else feel like this, or am I just really abnormal?
   
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Re: I don't want anymore help!! - July 14th 2010, 02:18 AM

i've never been in therapy, but i totally get how you feel about the numbers and other people knowing. I hated weighing myself and focusing on a number and all that stuff. Eventually i just stopped with the scale and looked in the mirror to see if i was pleased. try to tell your mom that the conceller is going to make you get worse, and really be straight forward and emphasise it. Tell the consellor, if getting rid of her doesn't work, that weight is a touchy subject for you and you don't what to do the weighing anymore. Stress that it will make you worse. tell her to measure your sucess by milestones like your period, ect. or by visual confirmations, unless you are uncomfortable with that.
I'm sure she's listen b/c she wants you to continue to improve.
Good luck and congrats on you sucess,
Annali


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Re: I don't want anymore help!! - July 15th 2010, 11:36 PM

Hi Emma,

I know how hard it is, especially to have others involved in monitoring your every step. If there was a way to do recovery without being monitored, I'm sure everyone would've done it! Unfortunately, having accountability is the best way to do it. It sounds easy, like, "I'll make sure I'm gaining weight", but the truth is, EDs are very strong, and if someone neutral isn't making sure everything is okay, it's easy for the ED part of you to grow strong again and cause you to stop gaining/eating/etc. again.

Try just remembering that this is for the best. And the sooner you get to a healthy weight and healthy mindset, the sooner all of the monitoring can stop. And that WILL happen, I promise!

It would be good if you felt that you had a bit more control over the situation, though. Let's assume that you can't stop the fact that they monitor your weight and talk to each other. But aside from that, what (realistically) could happen to help you feel a little bit better about the situation??

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Re: I don't want anymore help!! - July 17th 2010, 04:43 AM

Well if I couldnt stop the weigh ins, I would like the counselling sessions and the dietician appts to stop. The counsellor just talks to me, and those are the appts i hate the most. And now that im eating the dietician appts are useless because she tells me each time to "increase calorie intake" and I spend an hour listening to her say "this is serious, this is serious" and im so sick of it. I understand that I do have to get weighed, I do like the doctor...shes nice, but if I cant get rid of her, I want to stop with the counselling and dietician.
   
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Re: I don't want anymore help!! - July 17th 2010, 03:27 PM

So maybe you could talk to your mum, or another helpful adult (maybe your doctor even) and let her/them know about this. They want you to be in counseling so that it'll help you--but if counseling ISN'T helping you, it's defeating the purpose. Tell them that it's not that you're giving up on recovery, or giving up on counseling (even if you wish you could), but that the counselor isn't helpful and isn't giving you the tools and assistance you need to get better, and you want to look into seeing someone else.

You can be your own advocate. Don't hesitate to speak up when something isn't working.

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Re: I don't want anymore help!! - July 18th 2010, 04:55 AM

The doctors know I hate her. I told them right at the start I hate it. The doctors and I even have a joke about how much I hate it. Even THE COUNSELLOR knows I hate going, I told her upfront and they compromised, by say once a fortnight for a short time rather than once a week, but frankly that doesnt do it for me...but she says I have to go. I just get so angry at her because its making this so much worse. Mum definately knows I hate going, mum hates me going because my mood just goes right down, she tells me I change completely when I have to go. In fact, the only reason I half look forward to it is because it means I get subway for tea (FOOD!) lol! I've told everyone that but they dont seem to get it. Its all about what I weigh and its driving me crazy. I have an appt. on wednesday and I dont know what to do
   
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Re: I don't want anymore help!! - July 20th 2010, 09:24 PM

So I do keep thinking about this and I wasn't quite sure how to answer at first.

I think a big problem is that many people recovering from at eating disorder will relapse at least once during their recovery. Eating disorders by their very nature will make a person manipulative. I am not saying you are manipulative, but if you were starting to restrict what you ate again and lose weight you may start to do anything you could to hold onto that, for example lie about how much you're eating and avoid weighings. I know I certainly did. And for this reason it's very hard for professionals to fully trust people with eating disorders -- as I am sure you know anorexia/bulimia/etc can be very powerful. How will they know that you are eating what you say you're eating if they cannot weigh you to see you are not losing weight?

With regards to the weighing thing, I was always given the option of being weighed blind, which means getting onto the scales backwards so you can't see what you weigh. Perhaps you can ask for that.


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Re: I don't want anymore help!! - July 20th 2010, 09:50 PM

I agree with Rachel here. Everyone slips up, and having an eating disorder makes it harder for you to get up from the slips. I know I used to lie about what I was eating, how much I weighed, and how much I was exercising. It does make it hard for professionals to trust us, because they know how we will become to keep following out disorders. You can talk to your doctor about stopping the dietitian appointments, if you don't think you need them anymore. But I doubt they will let you stop counseling right now. Just try talking to your mum, or your doctor, and let them know that it's not helping you.

Hang in there Emma.


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