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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Open my eyes
Average Joe
Ess The Morgenstern *'s Avatar
Name: Esther
Age: 27
Gender: Female
Location: Guadalajara, Spain

Posts: 170
Join Date: June 5th 2010

My story - July 18th 2010, 12:11 PM

Fit, you have to fit. Really? How to fit somewhere? Being fit. TV tells you, so do everyone. What an... advice.
If you're fit, everyone loves you. Now look again, do they love someone obsessed with her body? Does it worth losing your life, your friends? Does it worth hurting your family? Some months back I'd tell you 'Of course!' Now I tell you 'how selfish I've been' I won't say anything else.
The fact of me restricting myself made me so happy, I thought I'd be Miss Popular if I lost one pound here and two there. Being underweight, I was Miss Sick, my friends weren't any longer calling me, they couldn't see me destroying myself like that... what they didn't know is that my self-destruction started before. I've been a puker forever, no mention of cutting. Last year I gave up on eating, I was going to move to the city, I'd lose my life!!! It's so hard for me to meet new people, I was just... terrified. What I thought is 'If I'm thin, it'll be easier'. I just added a problem.
I had to be thin, nothing else worthed it. Mum would be proud of me once for all. Looks matters. I had to be better. The best = the skinniest. So... smart, naah?
Then one day I ate... I ate!! I was in Ireland by then, I ran to the toilet, (not new, I puked every night and threw more than half of my lunch, which was a cucumber sandwich, and shall I say my breakfast was a cup of tea, no milk or sugar on it) but then my friend walked into the toilet and called my name. I didn't puke. I skipped my dinner. But I had ruined my day. When I came back to the house from the bowler, I ate, I ate what I didn't eat in all that time. I was a pig again.
My bulimia was worse than any time before. I wanted to eat the whole world and then puke it. I would eat freaking amounts of food. It got even worse when I started to go to my new school. I hate people there. I made friends with the most slutty girl there, who was ALWAYS comenting on how fat people look. If someone were thinner, she'd say this person was bulimic. She wasn't thin at all, and that made her jealous.
Her comments triggered me each day, but I didn't know anyone else. I didn't care if my scars were visible or not, I cut my forearms, tummy, legs and my left wrist.
Weekends were terrible. I was so lonely. At some point I couldn't stand it anymore, and I attempted to suicide. I cut my veins, but dad found me.
Next time I tried to kill myself I was out with this girl. I ruined her birthday. I drank all my sorrow with an intention: never ever wake up again. But I woke up in the hospital. I was told I had stopped breathing, I had no blood pressure, my heart nearly collapsed. 5 minutes more and I'd have got my purpose. But I was saved. The next day I realized I didn't want my life to be like this. I wanted to live, and I decided I'd change. I would eat, because I deserved it. I wanted to be healthy. No longer the sick one.
I started adding food, and the next time I visited my therapist, I told her the truth about my ED, because they thought I was anorexic. We worked in my meals.
I told one of my friends, to who I'm forever in debt for all she's done for me, about my ED, she told me she was there for me, and she introduced me to her friends' group.
I wasn't any longer alone. I love this people, they make me laugh a lot... and feel loved.
Before this, I attempted to suicide one moe time, I took loads of pills. Yet again I ended in the hospital.
I haven't purged since May 30th, but there's still a lot of work to do. I have to stop binging and hurting myself by -new self harm way- burning my wrist. It hurts so bad. I'm knowing myself a bit better and actually loving it. I hope one day I can say 'I saved myself', and hurting isn't any longer necessary because I love and respect myself... someday.
I haven't weighted myself in such a long time.
Everytime I fall I tell myself 'folk, head up, you are yourself and that's more than enough' I really hope I can stop this lie I've been living in. Depession doesn't help that much, but I'm overcoming it as well. I'm drinking less than I used to do, though party is party... you know ;P I'm not abusing on pills anymore.
It's made me stronger, so if you told me 'do you regret about your ED?' I'd tell you 'yes, I do. But I wouldn't change it'.
All I want to say is that there's hope, I know you can do this. I'm still stucked here but now I see the light.

Fear Cuts Deeper Than Knives

"And if you told me 'go to the hell', I'd tell you I know pretty well that place"

Last edited by Casey.; July 19th 2010 at 03:13 AM. Reason: Removing trigger tag to fit with the guidelines.
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: My story - July 19th 2010, 12:32 AM

Wow, thank you so much for sharing this. How incredibly inspiring! It just goes to show that you can make progress in recovery. Thank you again!
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: My story - July 19th 2010, 07:07 AM

That's so great that you're not abusing pills anymore! I'm very proud of you! And even attempting to get over depression is a huge step; congratulations.

Thank you for sharing. This was a very good read; makes me feel less alone.

myspace.com/lonesome_fish for poetry. I like feedback sometimes. And I like smiley faces .
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
emma01 Offline
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Re: My story - July 19th 2010, 07:25 AM

This is a great story! Really inspiring and encouraging for anyone here to try hard and recover Thanks for sharing and glad to hear you are doing so well.
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
Open my eyes
Average Joe
Ess The Morgenstern *'s Avatar
Name: Esther
Age: 27
Gender: Female
Location: Guadalajara, Spain

Posts: 170
Join Date: June 5th 2010

Re: My story - July 19th 2010, 02:11 PM

thank you guys recovery is possible for we all

Fear Cuts Deeper Than Knives

"And if you told me 'go to the hell', I'd tell you I know pretty well that place"
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  (#6 (permalink)) Old
Casey. Offline
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Age: 30
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Location: Somewhere in my mind

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Join Date: January 6th 2009

Re: My story - July 20th 2010, 09:53 PM

I'm glad you decided to share with us Esther. I'm proud of you, not only for telling your story, but for trying to recover. Keep hanging in there.

She whispered to her own reflection "I will be strong."

"I am not what has happened to me.I am what I have chosen to become."- Carl Jung

"If ye harm none, do as ye wish."

Sometimes things just happen.

Smile through the tears.

PM me

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