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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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Stuckinhell Offline
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Relapse - July 23rd 2010, 01:09 PM

I'm really worried. I've been doing so well. I've always had issues with my eating, though i dont believe it's an ED. But whatever. right now i need help.

I cant face the thought of eating food, whenever it's put in front of me i feels so panicky. I'm spending hours in front of the mirror again, just hating what i see, trying to visualise loosing the weight i want. I'm barely eating atall, and only so as to keep people of my back. I visited my mum for 2 nights, and she started yelling at me over my eating so i left. But on my own theres no one to help me.

right now i'm still in control. I can feel myself slipping, but i dont know what to do about it. Because above everything else is the hate i feel when i look in the mirror, the longing to loose weight, to cleanse myself, to purge my hate away.

I dont know why i've gone backwards, but i dont know what to do about it


   
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Jen Offline
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Re: Relapse - July 24th 2010, 03:23 PM

Maia,

I'm so glad to hear that you've been doing well--that's incredible! I'm very proud of you. Slips happen, unfortunately. I don't know anyone who recovered without slipping at least once. But the important thing to remember is that it is in YOUR control if you want to let the slip turn into a full relapse, where you get back to where you used to be, ED-wise.

I know that EDs are so much about control. Remember, though, you're not giving up your control when you recover. It actually takes a lot of control to get to a healthy, happy place. You are in control either way, whether you use your control to slowly kill yourself, or use your control to help come more alive.

What can you do about it? You can talk to someone. Are you in any counseling at the moment? Reach out to whoever you have around you. Support is what you need to use as your army--build up your army to fight your eating disorder. You are stronger than you think, Maia. I believe in you.

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"Do not ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

“if nothing changed, there’d be no butterflies”

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Re: Relapse - July 24th 2010, 09:15 PM

I've spent too long removing all my support. My bf tries to be here for me, but he doesnt understand what it's like. For me, it's always been much more about low self-esteem and unhappiness with my weight/figure/looks, than control. I want to loose weight, and this is the only way i know how. This is how i can make myself thin, make myself beautiful, and therefore make myself happy.

I've been out of therapy for a year now, since i've been travelling. And i'm scared to go back. Scared to go to someone and say i have eating issues. Because, in all honesty, i dont know if what i have is an ed. I dont class it as one, and yet people worry about my eating. And i'm worrying. I'm endlessly obsessing about my weight, about food, and the next way to refuse food without arousing suspicion.

I just feel like a failure.


   
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