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Stuckinhell Offline
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Scared - August 4th 2010, 08:48 PM

I'm going home to my mums tomorow for a whole week. and i'm totally petrified. My eatings got so bad these last few weeks. I'm hardly eating a thing, and purging daily. I dont think i've lost weight, but i'm pale and shaky with dark under my eyes.

I'm so scared of going home. I cant let my mum find out, but i'm running out of excuses. I've got to do 6 nights with her. That's 18 meals. All i can see is endless arguments, worried looks, and me getting worse and worse under the stress.

And whats scarying me most, is the simple fact that i dont want to stop. I feel so in control. Each time i deny myself. Each time i purge, i know that my life is in my own hands. I feel so split. Like i'm watching myself deteriate, nothing i can do. Because deep down, i'm happy like this.

I'm scared that i'll get back to how i used to be. That i'll undo all the work i've done. And i havent a clue how i'm going to manage eating around my mum. FUCK FUCK FUCK

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Jen Offline
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Re: Scared - August 5th 2010, 12:50 AM

Maia, I know this might not be what you want to hear: but the truth is, I think it could be good for you if your mom finds out. Right now even though the disordered part of you doesn't want help, you need help. And I bet that deep down, the healthy part of you knows that. This might be an easier way to get it. You CAN get to a solid recovery point, Maia. I know you don't believe it's worth it, but once you're there, you will not miss your ED. You will not want to restrict, to purge, to lose weight. You won't need to have those desires. It just...won't be there. It's incredible. You can do this. I believe in you.


"Do not ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

“if nothing changed, there’d be no butterflies”

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