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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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my story (it's a really long one) - August 11th 2010, 06:43 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

this is the story about my personal struggle with anorexia, and how I finally admitted to having it. I wanna thank Wolfsvalentine and Tiredofbeing for being there for me through it. I love you Frackles and Elly!

All my life, I've been the fat one, the slow one, the one who couldn't keep up. If it wasn't my brother cuttng me down, it was my mom telling me I was fat. I hated myself so much my entire life and at one point, starting in about the 4th or 5th grade, I became suicidal. My life was spiralling out of control, but that's not really part of my story.
The story really begins the summer between my Sophomore and Junior years in high school (that would be summer 09). I had had a great summer, but come August, things went out of control again. My only living grandparent died, my perfect boyfriend dumped me the same day, and my favorite cousin on my mom's side was murdered two weeks later. I felt like I was falling to pieces, and there was nobody to help me pick them back up. I was depressed, cutting myself a lot, and although I knew I'd never do it, I wanted to kill myself.
Things started going from bad to worse, as my poor self-esteem went from just being inward, to outward too. See, for me, hating myself wasn't something I did, it was who I was. I was completely convinced that I was worthless, inside and out. My choir teacher didn't help either.
You see, I come from a town with a very impressive show choir. Almost every school in the Midwest has heard of us, and my directors will do almost anything to make sure we're the best we can be. And, while they'll never say it to anyone, image does matter to them. It's not that they'll tell you or even verbally hint at you that you need to lose weight, but they'd give you the look. That look that says everything. I got the look a lot during the first month or so of show choir, while my life continued to spiral downward. So I decided that I needed to control some part of my life and please my teachers, so I became determined to lose weight, at whatever the cost. So I stopped eating and started excersizing. I'd get up, claim I didn't have time for breakfast (one meal gone), go to school and have about half of a sack lunch because I had a "big breakfast" (another half-meal skipped), go to practice, come home, spend two hours a night dancing until "Oh, It's nine already? I should go do my homework" and end up doing countless crunches, situps, bicep curls in my room until midnight (an another meal gone). It kept going on like this through the entire season. At competitions, I'd have a veggie tray and diet Mtn. Dew for lunch because I'm "trying to eat healthier," and something small for dinner so I wouldn't pass out on stage. And my efforts worked. My directors went from giving me the look to seeing me in costume, hair and makeup done, and calling me "glamorous." I figured if I could get that response from them for this, then it was worth it. It went on all through the season, and into the track season. I was at the point where I couldn't even eat a normal meal or I'd feel sick. Some of my friends noticed and tried to talk some sense into me, but I kept claiming I was fine, and when I'd get upset over it, they'd leave me alone.
It wasn't until the summer that I realized what was going on. I'd lost quite a bit of weight, and energy, and everything started getting just a little bit harder. After the school year ended, I went almost straight to the summer camp that I'd worked at the two summers before. The theme for the High School work crews that summer was All In. It was about how we need to "Love the Lord your God with all of your heart, and with all of your soul, and with all of your mind, and with all of your strength." We discussed in our Girl's dorm Devotions one night about how part of going All In! was to give our struggles to the Lord, because he will lift your burdens and take them away, so the girl who was leading the devo told us all to write down something we were/had struggled with. I suddenly felt this tugging on my heart to write about the anorexia I wouldn't let myself believe existed. When volunteers were asked for to share, my hand stayed down, because I was afraid they'd all judge me or get mad at me. But I know God put the right people in the right place, because the girl who shared first shared about the struggle she had had with bulimia the previous winter. All of the girls responded with care and understanding, and I felt that tugging feeling again when they asked for more volunteers. So my hand went up, and that was the first time I ever admitted to myself or anyone else that I'm anorexic. The girls were all really great to me, and still are. Although we've all gone our own ways, back to our various towns, states, and colleges, we all still keep in touch. And as I still struggle day-to-day, the constant reminders from all of those girls keep me going and help me find hope.


“I can only hope that they’ll turn that anger and frustration and madness into something positive, so that two, three, four, five hundred will step forward, so the gay doctors will come out, the gay lawyers, the gay judges, gay bankers, gay architects … I hope that every professional gay will say ‘enough’, come forward and tell everybody, wear a sign, let the world know. Maybe that will help.” Harvey Milk, 1978

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Last edited by Casey.; August 12th 2010 at 04:59 AM. Reason: Changing trigger tag to fit with the guidelines.
   
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Re: my story (it's a really long one) - August 14th 2010, 03:17 AM

I'm so proud of you for sharing your story with us, it's never an easy thing to do. I hope you are doing better now, and I am glad you had those friends to help you realize what was happening. Stay strong <3


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Re: my story (it's a really long one) - August 14th 2010, 03:39 AM

thanks... I kinda started bawling when I wrote it. I actually submitted it to Melissa Cross's book about her song Courage (Melissa=singer in the band Superchick)


“I can only hope that they’ll turn that anger and frustration and madness into something positive, so that two, three, four, five hundred will step forward, so the gay doctors will come out, the gay lawyers, the gay judges, gay bankers, gay architects … I hope that every professional gay will say ‘enough’, come forward and tell everybody, wear a sign, let the world know. Maybe that will help.” Harvey Milk, 1978

http://amanoutofyou.tumblr.com
   
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Re: my story (it's a really long one) - August 15th 2010, 02:53 AM

I'm glad you're getting better, keep going. and thank you for posting this, it's very inspirational... (:
   
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